I've been thinking a lot about regret lately. Choices I have made or didn't make. Aspects of my marriage where I could have done better and didn't. Things I let things slide or where I made the choice to argue. Up until my divorce I really tried to live a life where I could look back and not regret anything. But I don't think it's possible to go through separation and divorce and not think about regret. To not have your mind wander through what you could have done differently. To not think "Could I have prevented this?"
The answer I come to is no, I could not have prevented this. I choose to not allow him to rewrite our entire narrative. He can be hurting and processing his own "what if's" but this wasn't 8 years of a bad relationship, it wasn't 6 years of a failed marriage. Like a lot of couples we broke down over time. Lots of little pieces, I think of them as shards of glass, chipping away. There isn't 1 thing to regret or say hey if I had done x instead of y I'd still be married, because there are 2 people in a marriage and I have no idea how he would have responded to y and we could still be right where we are today.
Facebook memories section can be a wicked thing when you are going through a divorce. I've untagged myself from quiet a few photos in the last 2 months and I'm sure that will continue in the coming year. But today there were really critical memories.
1. 7 years ago we flew out to Seattle over Presidents Day weekend to look for our first apartment together. We found a cute town not too far from the airport, with a walking trail out the back gate, close to amenities, with enough room for him to work from home and for our things. While my marriage didn't work, I am so happy to continue to call the PWN home. To still have seasons but only snow if I make an effort to go see it. To be close to the mountains and the ocean, to have big expanses of water at my fingertips. The rain can be a bit much at times but this is my home. No Regrets
2. 6 years ago we took our belated honeymoon to Kona, Hawaii. Since then a trip to a warm place in Feb has been his commitment to me. Maybe that's why not being in NZ hurts a little more, promise on top of promise unkept. But that trip to Hawaii was extraordinary. There is very little I would change. Except to go on more hikes and apply more sunscreen. No Regrets
I am sure there are millions of small moments in my marriage, but I am working to let go of the regret and hold on to the positive memories. I know it will take a long time, it's not a journey I'm particularly excited about, but I am excited for who I will be on the other side.
C
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