Finding myself

 I'll be honest I didn't think I was lost, but no one ends up where I am without missing things, without taking wrong turns or with out letting pieces of themselves become less valued or important.  There are parts of me at 35 that 25 year old me would be so proud of and there are parts she would shake her head at. 

Younger me didn't need marriage, didn't need forever, I was fiercely independently probably to a fault - we all need people. But I didn't need marriage, and then I met him, and I didn't need it, but I wanted it. I wanted a life with him.  And while there is still a part of me that still wants that, I cannot have it in a way to values me or gives me what I need so it would never be enough and that's why I left.  I'm the one that said in the wake of all the new information I was given that I cannot do this, don't want to do this. 

I am on a mission to date myself this year. A mission to fall back in love with me. To learn who I am at this stage and season in my life. I am not the same person that met him in 2015 or the same person who married him in 2015 and in 2030 I will not be in the same person I am today, but I want to like who I am then, I want to know what I can compromise on and what I am unwilling to.   I want to make routines and structures for myself to live successfully alone. I want to save and plan for a future to ensure I can take care of myself and don't require anyone else to provide for me. 

I didn't know I was lost or that I'd lost myself until it hit me in the face, so I'm not sure wear to look to find me again. I pray, I do things that bring me joy, and that's a good enough place for me to start. 

C