Shell of myself

 I feel like every day this week has been a hard day. I continue struggle to fall asleep, I can never stay asleep and every day I feel like I'm falling more and more behind on life. Laundry and dishes pile up, thank god my bills are on autopay. Recycling and trash need to be taken out. It takes more and more energy to fake it through the day. I'm becoming a shell of myself. 

It's not just the divorce, moving into the next phase of that is a significant anxiety and more pain than I ever thought a person could feel. The days of work have been hard, trying to maintain boundaries, and not take on the personal crap however significant my students are dealing with, I did not go to school to be a therapist but that's the role I end up in most days, and I take some of that pain home with me. I am feeling fractured within my community, loosing some of the friendships I thought I had at work, realizing that some of them meant more to me than the other parties. It's sad to feel like I'm loosing more than just my marriage right now.  I have always been happy to be the person in charge. To take on the additional responsibilities use to be something that brought me joy, but I feel like I'm letting everyone down. 

I've taken partial days a few times recently in an attempt to "Catch up" with myself, to be in a better space than the day before but it feels like 1 step forward 2 steps back. No matter what I do. 

February Update

 February is an extra day long this year. I had been looking forward to another trip of a lifetime with my husband in February, but given that our marriage is ending, I thought it best to not take that trip with him and instead go home to see family and friends in the midwest. While the trip was good it wasn’t as restorative as I had hoped; I guess I just need to give myself more time. 

Things I did that I am proud of this month: 

1. I put in audition tapes to be an audiobook narrator. Not sure if anything will come of it, but I'm proud of myself for trying
2. I updated my address with the DMV- I am putting off getting a new license until I change my name back and that's a ways off. 
3. I did another 10 items on my bucket list - the items are getting harder. There are a few I am swapping out for things I can actually access / am interested in. 
1. The highlights of this month were: Fused Glass, PWHL MN v Boston Game, and visiting a speakeasy.
4. Got my Global Entry Updated- I was told it would be easier to update it now and then change my name on it when the name change goes through- I guess we'll see.
5. I am setting boundaries with friends and at work. 
6. I got everything out of the house I shared with my husband
7. I set new long term goals for myself 
8. I am starting to learn about investing in the stock market. 
9. I finished listening to a book. By this time last year I had listened to 10 or more books but this year has been different. Not a lot of brain power or drive to listen or learn or do anything beyond surviving. But I fished my first book of the year and have hope I will have energy for more soon. 

Goal for next month- 10 more dates with myself (or my friends who are always happy to join), finish unpacking everything, hang the last of the art. 

Family by Love

 I have family by blood, those whom I share genetic makeup with. I had no choice in who I got and they didn't choose me. 

I have family by marriage. I am navigating what those relationships will look like in the midst of a divorce. Some relationships I'll hold on to others I will let go. I got to pick some of these people to have in my life and I do get to choose who to keep. 

Then there is family by LOVE. 

This includes my best friend Natalie, her little brother and her parents. I've known them all for 30 years. I am the only non-family member who doesn't have to knock if their front door is open I am welcome. They have seen me through every stage of life and I am so thankful for them

My 2 best friends from college- who married each other- yes I am truly blessed. They have made 2 beautiful little girls who are my nieces by love. These little girls who I have watch grow from birth, who have worked hard to form bonds with so that they can have their own relationship with me.  I joke with their parents that I need to make sure someone checks on me when I'm old. 

This trip home I got time with family by blood and family by love and I am so grateful for all of them in unique and different ways. There has been a lot of loss the last few weeks and it's good to feel the love and support from those who had no choice in being my family and those who daily choose every day to be the family by love. 

C

Travel Etiquette

 I want to be clear that I realize how incredibly blessed and frankly spoiled I have been when it comes to travel for the last 7 years. I have traveled to many countries and have been in some of the nicest parts of airports in wonderful seats. Please take my rant with a grain of salt. 

I have not had to think about an airline seat for 7+ years. It's either been business or first class or on the rare occasion it wasn't I was asked a simple question- Window or Aisle. I haven't had to remember to pick a seat in a very long time. Today I flew and forgot to pick my seat- so I ended up in the middle in the rear of the plane not the very back, but close enough.  Here is my rant from today's travel. 

1. Is it not common knowledge that the person in the middle gets both armrests? Because I ended up with neither and that's just not okay. 

2. We deplane from front to back, this means if you are behind me you wait your turn. Unless it's announced that there is a tight layover- However we landed early so that doesn't fly with me. So imagine my surprise with a group of teens and their adults tried to push through me as I was getting my stuff. The kid maybe he doesn't know better but the adults- give me a break. 

3. I should not be able to hear your conversation through my noise canceling headphones. Keep your voices to a whisper when communicating with those around you. 

4. Cursing on a flight is never okay. Especially just in that casual conversation that is already too loud.  You do what you want at home, but on a flight with strangers who have different levels of comfort with that and other people's kids, it's not cool. 

5. It's not your business why anyone else needs to board early. I board early due to anxiety and routines due to my autism. When I don't I get more anxious and am prone to panic attacks. It helps me fly better to get myself seated, have my stuff arranged the way I need it before there are people pushing behind me. When we as a couple flew 1st class I had that built in, now that I don't this is how I manage. It's against policy for the airline to ask, and most of the time they do better, but sometimes they don't and the general public certainly doesn't.  Just because someone's disability or need isn't visible does not give anyone the right to ask personal questions. 

C

I miss him

 I've learned that there is no one that hates your ex more than your best friend. If you fall into that category, don't continue down this blog. You'll not be pleased. 

For anyone still reading you were warned. 

I miss him. Healing and grief aren't linear I know that, but I wasn't expecting the feeling I had last night and this morning of missing his company. I'm sure some of it comes from the fact that he is half a world away, some from the fact our divorce is moving into the next phase, some from being lonely, but I really missed being in his company last night. 

Part of this process I have learned is the feeling that I'm making a mistake, or that I will regret this later on in life.  I try to put that voice to bed or quiet it, because it is the choice I've made - that we've made. Regardless of how either of us feel about it later it's the part of life we are in now. 

I'm glad to be going home to get time with family, hopefully help me heart feel less lonely and be able to make some progress in healing. 

But right now, today, I miss him.

C

Adulting

 

I feel like I've had to do more adulting in the last 2 months than I had in the last 2 years.  Which yes I recognize was a way in which I let my ex down in our marriage. I defaulted to him so often that I honestly forgot how to tackle some things on my own. For this I am truly sorry. 

It has also made the last month especially a very steep learning curve.  Figuring out the divorce, so much paperwork, needing numbers and tax codes. Getting work done on the car, renewing AAA and getting a tire replaced and setting up appointments for the car to get some serious work before my summer roadtrip. Budgeting. Actually thinking about money and saving for my future for the first time in about 5 years. Not having someone else to rely on is going to make me a better more independent person, but it's a lot all at once. 

Realizing how much of what should have been our joint responsibilities I put on my ex leaves me disappointed in myself. He deserved a partner and I wasn't always that in the ways I think he needed me. 

C

Memories and Regrets

 I've been thinking a lot about regret lately.  Choices I have made or didn't make.  Aspects of my marriage where I could have done better and didn't. Things I let things slide or where I made the choice to argue.  Up until my divorce I really tried to live a life where I could look back and not regret anything. But I don't think it's possible to go through separation and divorce and not think about regret. To not have your mind wander through what you could have done differently. To not think "Could I have prevented this?"  

The answer I come to is no, I could not have prevented this. I choose to not allow him to rewrite our entire narrative. He can be hurting and processing his own "what if's" but this wasn't 8 years of a bad relationship, it wasn't 6 years of a failed marriage.  Like a lot of couples we broke down over time. Lots of little pieces, I think of them as shards of glass, chipping away. There isn't 1 thing to regret or say hey if I had done x instead of y I'd still be married, because there are 2 people in a marriage and I have no idea how he would have responded to y and we could still be right where we are today. 

Facebook memories section can be a wicked thing when you are going through a divorce. I've untagged myself from quiet a few photos in the last 2 months and I'm sure that will continue in the coming year. But today there were really critical memories. 

1. 7 years ago we flew out to Seattle over Presidents Day weekend to look for our first apartment together. We found a cute town not too far from the airport, with a walking trail out the back gate, close to amenities, with enough room for him to work from home and for our things.   While my marriage didn't work, I am so happy to continue to call the PWN home. To still have seasons but only snow if I make an effort to go see it. To be close to the mountains and the ocean, to have big expanses of water at my fingertips. The rain can be a bit much at times but this is my home. No Regrets

2. 6 years ago we took our belated honeymoon to Kona, Hawaii. Since then a trip to a warm place in Feb has been his commitment to me.  Maybe that's why not being in NZ hurts a little more, promise on top of promise unkept. But that trip to Hawaii was extraordinary. There is very little I would change. Except to go on more hikes and apply more sunscreen. No Regrets 

I am sure there are millions of small moments in my marriage, but I am working to let go of the regret and hold on to the positive memories. I know it will take a long time, it's not a journey I'm particularly excited about, but I am excited for who I will be on the other side. 

C

Favorites

★

 Until today my husband was on my close friends/ favorites list on instagram. But after all the emotions of my day to see the magical view of New Zealand a magical view that he promised me that he committed to us and then took on his own. Just another piece of sadness and grief for what could have should have been.  So for my well-being I have muted him on social media. I didn't unfriend him, because frankly we're still married, but I cannot watch the beauty of a trip that was supposed to be good for us, when there isn't an us any more. 

He was my favorite person and now he's not. 

C

Sitting in my saddness

 There are days to push through and there are days to sit with the sadness. When it's too much to lift or carry forward, so you just have to sit.  To feel all of the emotions fully. Today was one of those day that I sat with all the pain until I couldn't handle it any more. Until my body felt numb. Until I finally could cry. 

Yesterday I was angry and today I am sad. Sad for everything I've lost. Sad for everything that I am unsure of. Sad for what I know and what I don't know. Sad for the closure I may not get. Sad for the lies and sad for what could have been. 

Yesterday I was angry, today I am sad, tomorrow will be something else. When people told me it would be a roller coaster, but I didn't think it would be this bad. I know healing isn't linear, but the I could never have imaged this. 

My marriage was over before I made the choice to file for divorce. My marriage was over before I made the choice to move out. My marriage was over before he ever said a word. All of that can be true, I can know in my core that getting divorced is the right call for both of us and still have a sadness, still have pain, still feel broken. 

I don't know when the pain will stop, if the pain will stop and that's really scary. 

C

Disappointment

 There is a lot of disappointment in a marriage ending. Sometimes over big things and sometimes over things that don't really matter.  At the moment I am disappointed over something that doesn't really matter, but also something that was the first sign to me that something was off. 

Early this fall my husband came and ask about two different far flung locations and asked which I'd rather visit and I answered New Zealand. The trip was to start tomorrow for my mid-winter break.  In the past when we've booked an international vacation we talk about the things we want to do we plan together and ensure we are booked long enough in advance to do the things we want to do.  But this time he seemed to have no interest in planning with me. I would share ideas or bring up options and he never did anything with that or engaged in planning back. 

When I made the choice to move out and start working on ending our marriage rather than trying to fix it, I knew I was giving up that trip, and it was the right choice. But today valentines day as he prepares to depart on what would have been another fantastic adventure, I am disappointed. It was something I was excited for too and yet another thing I lost because of all of this.  In the big scheme of things, this doesn't matter, there will be more vacations and travel, but today, I'm mad I had to give up something I was looking forward to and he didn't. 

I am working to honor my feelings no matter what they are. Because they are valid and real. To say them out loud and then try to let them go. So today I am mad and disappointed. 

C

Rings

 When I first moved out I thought I would keep wearing my rings. I love them, he picked out my dream set they were perfect and so completely me, but over the last few weeks looking at my engagement ring has been difficult. 

That ring for me symbolizes exuberant over the top love. The fantasy he created for me come true in a symbol I could wear every day. But I can't have that reminder every day, at least not now. But when I tried to just not wear anything that felt disingenuous; I'm still very much married.  Even though our marriage is ending it feels wrong to not be wearing anything too. 

So I'm sticking with my wedding band. To recognize and honor the commitment I made; at least until that bond is officially broken by a judge and because I'm not ready to wear nothing on my left hand. 

Signing off for now

C

Valentine

Prior to my marriage, my luck with having a date on valentines day was low. I've been dumped on valentines day, I've broken a heart of another right before the holiday, I've spent most years single. Prior to my husband I had 1 attempt at a good valentines day- not his fault its the day I found out about my strawberry allergy and 1 really wonderful valentines day date though not on the day in 10 years of dating history. But in meeting my husband I found my person, I didn't ever have to wonder if there would be someone to say I love you to and to fuss over a little more on this very cheesy day every year. 

As I deal with the fact that many of those "I love you" statements probably weren't true or felt genuinely,  I also have to face this valentines day without my partner. I have wonderful friends who are making sure I don't spend it alone and I have a dance class to take my mind off of it, which I am so thankful for. But our world is so inundated with the holiday. You cannot walk into a shop or open any social media platform without the pink and red hearts, roses and people sharing wedding photos celebrating their partner. Celebrations of love abound. Which is really hard as I move through heart break. 

So for myself this year I am doing the following

1. Buying myself flowers

2. Buy some good chocolate 

3. Keep myself busy on the 14th I already have work all day and meetings but then I'm going out for beer and good pizza before maybe doing a barre class- we'll see how the beer and pizza are going. 

4. give myself permission to be sad if I need to be. 

So to everyone who doesn't have someone this Valentines day remember your worth is not defined by your relationship status even if the world is telling you otherwise. 

C

Goal Update

 13 years ago I set goals for myself of where I wanted to be in 5, 10 and 20 years. 

Let's do a check in on the updates:

5 year goal- Be done with grad school and doing something I love [mind you a decade a go I was thinking social work or counseling but I ended up pretty close] - I am a special Education teacher, doing work that I love with a great group of people.

10-year goal- Be living in a place that I love and have a faith community that I am connected to.

I LOVE living in the PWN- wish it was about 15 degrees warmer but I do love it.

20-year goal- Small home on land so I can disconnect from the world. I had this. It was wonderful and beautiful and perfect. Until it wasn't. What I thought was my dream has changed and I'm learning to let that be okay.

So let's set some new goals.

5 years from now- 2029 Continuing to work in a place that I love with people that I love doing work that matters. Saving for travel and my future, not worried about buying a house but just having a home that I love. Honestly if I'm still where I am now I think I'd be fine with that. I have what I need.

10 years from now- 2034 Have 45 or more National Parks Checked off the list of 63 as the goal. Be open to including someone else in my life again. I hope to have made it back to Europe and reclaim spaces for myself.

20 years from now 2044 I will be in my 50's I hope by now I've found love again, that I've let my heart heal and be closed and find a way to be open again. I hope I've saved well enough to retire while I can still enjoy my life. I hope to have finally built out my dream camper van and be driving an electric vehicle on the day to day. I hope to still be traveling and visiting National parks and be nearly done with my really big crazy goal.

That Last of It

 Yesterday I tackled the last of it; the things in the home that we shared that were the hardest for me to move to look at to tackle. 

My wedding dress will now sit behind the door to my closet where I will know it's there but cannot see it until I find something to change it into. 

Photos from our wedding that I'm not ready to navigate through are in the back of a high cabinet so they will be safe when I'm ready.

The loving sentiment that people left for us on our wedding day in cards and and our signature book went in trash. 

Love letters he wrote me though few had been saved until today when they were crumpled up or ripped to pieces and thrown away covered in tears after 1 final reading. 

We did a walk through to ensure I got it all. I think I did. I got everything tangible. 

There is a feeling when we are there together that I don't get to and cannot take with me. A feeling that will stay in the house so that I can be at peace. 

C

Finding myself

 I'll be honest I didn't think I was lost, but no one ends up where I am without missing things, without taking wrong turns or with out letting pieces of themselves become less valued or important.  There are parts of me at 35 that 25 year old me would be so proud of and there are parts she would shake her head at. 

Younger me didn't need marriage, didn't need forever, I was fiercely independently probably to a fault - we all need people. But I didn't need marriage, and then I met him, and I didn't need it, but I wanted it. I wanted a life with him.  And while there is still a part of me that still wants that, I cannot have it in a way to values me or gives me what I need so it would never be enough and that's why I left.  I'm the one that said in the wake of all the new information I was given that I cannot do this, don't want to do this. 

I am on a mission to date myself this year. A mission to fall back in love with me. To learn who I am at this stage and season in my life. I am not the same person that met him in 2015 or the same person who married him in 2015 and in 2030 I will not be in the same person I am today, but I want to like who I am then, I want to know what I can compromise on and what I am unwilling to.   I want to make routines and structures for myself to live successfully alone. I want to save and plan for a future to ensure I can take care of myself and don't require anyone else to provide for me. 

I didn't know I was lost or that I'd lost myself until it hit me in the face, so I'm not sure wear to look to find me again. I pray, I do things that bring me joy, and that's a good enough place for me to start. 

C

Balancing Act

 All relationships are a balancing act, when to pull, when to push and when is it just not worth the fight.  When to say I deserve better and when to say we should work on this. 

At some point he and I decided different things weren't worth the fight. We stopped engaging with each other because hearing the same old answer no longer felt worth the effort. We both failed because we stopped bothering with each other.  If you look at the last year that we both shared publicly on social media. We don't appear on each other's pages in photos.  I had a few that I have archived because while I don't want to forget what I thought were good times, it's too painful right now. 

We created separate lives without the other person. We both spent substantial time outside this summer, but my idea of a hike is so much shorter and slower than his that we didn't do those things together. I enjoy concerts and musicals, but many of them are on weeknights so I would go alone. I am not a morning person so sunrise hikes aren't my idea of a great time.  We stopped prioritizing including each other in what we were doing.  And we are both guilty of it, this is not a 1 sided failure for either of us. 

His standard of clean and mine are not the same, he is far more put together, but I'm managing to keep my apartment cleaner than the house every was. Doing laundry weekly, vacuuming, dusting every Saturday, doing dishes every other day, taking out the trash weekly, it's now all on me, so why was it so hard for me to be a better partner or balance him more?  I don't have an answer for that the same way I don't have answers for why the things I was craving in a partner weren't met for me; other than that at some point the effort didn't feel worth the reward. 

None of this is instant, it's slow and happened over time. We both hurt each other, we didn't meet each other's expectations and at some point we stopped putting in the effort to ask for what we needed. 

C 

Home

Two years ago, today, I smiled with husband in front of what I thought would be my forever home. The place we would turn into our own and grow old together in. Today we met with our relator to sell it. It's not a home any more, at least not my home. But it's never going to be just a house. I thought I was starting to find a new normal to wake up and not cry every day. But today I am emotionally back to where I was 2 months ago, completely broken and unable to stop crying. I know healing isn't linear and there will be more days like today and that is the scariest part.  

Knowing that I will be in a good place again, and then I'll be right back here. 

All failures and mistakes all the pain flooding back in with full force, that's the scariest part of all of this. 

Makes me want to curl up and disappear. 

The Magic of Dance

 From dancing in the shower to jumping around the living room to my first ballet class since childhood dancing has healing powers. Dancing is an emotive art so it's no wonder a good dance session is often followed by a good cry, but these days that's pretty healthy for me.

Tuesday's dancing was a class. I took classes back in 2021 and then we moved farther away so I stopped. Living closer in again I am happy to be able to take them again. It's good for my soul and my soul could use some healing.  2 nights ago I took ballet and I was out of my depth.  The website clearly said Ballet 1 is for people with 6 to 9 months of intro classes...but I haven't taken any intro classes, and so I signed up anyway. It was a work out, but it was great. For 60 minutes my mind was totally distracted from the chaos and heartbreak of my life and I was just free. And then after class reality hit like a ton of bricks and because I was in a place to be emotional there were tears, but I'm okay with that. I will take another ballet 1 class next week because I can follow a model and because you don't have to be good at your hobbies. 

Yesterday I had Jazz, which also kicked my butt and was harder on my knees than I expected. 

I'm starting with 5 classes a month to balance with the other things I'm trying to build into my life, and go from there. But I did knock another item off the bucket list in taking a dance class so progress.

C