What originally started as a travel blog has morphed into a medium for sharing about daily life at home. Life's an adventure, even if you never leave the country, and this is my journey.
If you had told me last December that I was going to find happiness again, I wouldn't have believed you. Honestly if you told me that in September I'm not sure I would have believed you. But here I am ending what has easily been the hardest year of my life, really looking forward to what the next year has in store.
I am actively working on myself in therapy. This has easily been the 2nd best thing I did for myself this year. The first being loving myself enough to walk away from my marriage. Therapy for me is less about dwelling in the past and more about navigating my thought processes, getting to the core of why I believe certain things about myself and working to live healthier moving forward.
I listened to a lot of female musicians this year. Fell into the top 100 Dessa listeners, and got my feels processed, validated or at least out with these songs this year.
This year I've really learned that No is a full sentence. With no further explanation needed. I can simply say no to things. I can prioritize myself over my job, over what other people want of me. I can make time for who and what I want, and not say yes just because. I can take up space at the table when I choose to sit at it, but not have to be there all the time. Giving up control is hard, but so crucial.
I've learned to build a space I love. It would be hard to go back to living with someone full time. Not impossible, but it would certainly take adjustment as I've fallen back in love with having my space set up as I want it. If the laundry sits on the couch for a day and doesn't get folded, it's okay. If I wait 4 days to run the dishwasher as it's not yet full- this is also okay. I take the trash out weekly and get the boxes of recycling out when the stack is almost too big for me to get out on my own, but I'm not seeking to please anyone else by the way I do or don't keep my house.
I have art ALMOST EVERYWHERE. I still have 1 fully blank wall in my bedroom, and I kind of like it that way, nothing to distract me as I fall asleep, but plenty of beautiful things to look at the rest of the time.
Before break, I got a reminder of why I stepped down from leadership. The anxiety and pressure and stress of trying to get everyone an answer, to feel like my own questions have been answered, the desperate need for closure when frankly it rarely exists and the anxiety caused by disappointing people or feeling like I need to coddle adults. I'm so over it. I don't miss it and I really don't want it back. I remember looking at my first co-chair when she stepped down, she seemed lighter and happier. I feel that now, and as much as I care for many of the people I work with. This week has been damaging to my mental health.
8 years ago this month I got engaged. Something I thought was perfect and would last forever- simply didn't. Over the last 12 months I have been removing memories from Facebook and doing my damnedest to fill my photo drives with new memories so my phone stops creating "memories" with my ex because it's extremely painful to be reminded of what I thought were happy memories that now feel very tainted by many of the things he said and done in the process of the end of our marriage. Mostly feeling like much of my marriage was a lie that was carried on far too long, because he was too scared to be honest with himself and with me about it. But the engagement photos hadn't been removed last year, because at this time I was still hopeful he'd fight for me. That when I said I was looking at moving out that he would say something- anything to stop me from doing that. But he didn't. He didn't fight for us. It feels like he was waiting for me to walk away so he didn't have to be the "bad guy" leaving me with so much baggage to work through- thank god for therapy. But it's time to say goodbye to many of those photos, because continuing to have them and see them isn't healthy.
In the memory making department. I am learning to open my heart up again. It has been a year of firsts. First dates, first time time meeting each others friends, first time cooking for each other, first trip together, first holidays together. And so far so good. Communication feels respectful, things that would have in the past led to an argument or name calling or tears, are civil conversations. We had had conversations where we aren't on exactly the same page, but it's not accusatory or belittling, it's respectful and that's a breath of fresh air after the last several years. His friends have been warm and welcoming, and mine note it's nice to see me smiling again. I have a sense of ease and calm when I'm with him. We compliment each other and I look forward to what's to come. I certainly have missed him as We are both home for Christmas. Texting and video calls are great, but they aren’t enough so I look forward to us both being home in January.
This Christmas has been an emotional one, maybe even more emotional than last Christmas and that’s saying a lot because last Christmas marriage ended, but I was spending it with my ex in-laws.
While there was drama and chaos and so many tears, unlike last year, it led to a lot of really good conversations, and I am hopeful that those conversations will lead to progress for me in therapy and better relationship relationships with my family.
I have taken So many naps. pretty much daily long naps I am processing so many things in dreams. I am battling Demons that I really don’t want to take into 2025. This year I want to be able to trust myself. As I leave 2024, I have feelings and thoughts that I second-guess myself on pretty much daily and I want to be in a place where I can trust my feelings and trust myself in the decisions I make moving forward. I want to no longer make decisions based on fear or worry. I want to stop second-guessing myself. I want to feel confident in what I’m saying and what I’m doing, but I with that I’m signing off. See you next year!
I start this list in January and add to it as the year goes on.
Bath/Body/Hair
FHI UNbrush My hair tangles so easily but this brush tames this wild beast, even if I skip brushing for a few days. But best use is morning and evening, before and after a shower.
L'ange Brush Dryer Life changing. Seriously. Doing my hair has always taken more spoons than I've been willing to give it, but this along with a shorter style makes it fast and easy. Dries my hair in under 10 minutes and styles it at the same time. They are almost always having a sale, so just wait to get it at a discount- I think I got mine 40% off.
Compressed Towel Tablets I have often found compressed hand towels and wash clothes to be cheap, scratchy and not worth it. Then I found this. They are thicker, larger and softer than other options I've tried, they can take a beating and a lot of soap. Great to keep in the car, to travel with and to take camping. They take up almost no space, are light weight and need very little water to expand fully.
Typology Tinted Skincare It took me a while, but I did finally cave after yet another day of makeup looking really cakey on me. I'm glad I did- While I've only been using the products since mid-October I would be completely fine parting with the rest of my make up. I have linked the very popular trio as it's a good place to start. I currently have 2 different tints as I am somewhere in the middle, 2 lip colors (Ruby Red and Plum Purple), the concealer, color corrector for redness (Could wear this alone) and the glow drops. It is the easiest and most flawless my makeup has ever been as an adult and I don't think I'll ever go back. I like that my skin looks like my skin but a little better.
Goats Milk Soap This year I struggled a lot with contact dermatitis from pretty much anything and everything. But this soap never causes issues. It is my favorite for my home and to gift to others. It's made in small batches in rural MN. I personally love the pumpkin spice for a hand soap and use the unscented as a body soap. The Eucalyptus Mint is also a really refreshing scent.
Food/Beverage
LMNT Electrolyte Mix Not all electrolyte powders are created equal. Most are filled with sugar and not enough salt. The first Ingredient in LMNT is Salt, the first in Hydration IV is Sugar. I've tried about a dozen different hydration brands and LMNT beats out last year's favorite Drip Drop by a mile in how it makes me feel. Like most people I thought low sodium diets were "better for you" turns out I need more salt in my diet as it helps reduce my headaches. As a chronic migraine sufferer since the age of 2 I wish someone had said try salty water earlier. I do my best to add 1 pack to 24 ounces of water once a day and it really helps limit my migraines. It's also good for staying balanced on hot summer hikes. I actually really love the Mango Chili Salt Flavor
Home Goods
Claire White Wine Glasses The wine glasses we got from our wedding were the same style I grew up with and was cut glass very ornate. Not my style now, so those were donated and I got myself a pair of stemmed wine glasses. I don't need many as it's normally just me and normally stemless is fine, but some drinks really need that stem. You can usually find these on sale through Amazon- I got mine for about $20.
Shower Chair Chronic Illnesses dictate a lot of my life. Living with Autism dictates a lot of my life. Standing in a shower and self care is often something I have little to no energy left for, this chair has made a significant difference in my life. I put off getting a shower chair for a long time because I thought it was for "old people" but I wont feel bad any more because it makes my life better.
KitchenAid Stick Blender This is probably the most used gadget in my kitchen. If I need to chop or mince- it does that. If I need to puree it does that, if I need to whisk it does that. I don't make bread and my cookies and cakes are limited. I don't need the big stand mixer and was okay with parting ways with it in the divorce. He will use it more than I will. But for the small batch cooking I do, this is perfect. The best part all the parts that touch food are dish-washer safe which makes clean up easy too.
Instapot 6 Quart Well it took me about 10 months after moving out on my own to really get into a swing of cooking and I finally did it thanks to the Instapot. I've owned this for at least 4 years but have used in more in the last 3 months than I had in that entire time previously. I love the ease of a frozen meal, but given a new list of dietary things to avoid or limit, I found that it was easier to meal prep my own and then have options to choose from. I freeze all but 2 portions and have them on hand for an easy meal after work- especially on the really long days. This fall I built a stock pile of soups and stews I could pull from during the week and not having to think about having a really good home made meal.
Soup Freezer Containers Comes in a pack of 4 and each piece holds 2 individual servings. I put my soups/stews in the molds and stick them in the freezer after about 24 hours they are frozen and can be put in bags to store long term. This way I only defrost 1 at a time and have home cooked meals any night of the week.
Cooling Sheets Climate change is real. Apartments without A/C can get very warm, and as someone who likes to have the weight of a blanket while I sleep, having the ability to stay cool is crucial. I've also started to have night sweats/ hot flashes and these are wonderful. Many colors available.
Electronics:
Skull Candy Ear BudsI own 2 pairs of these. 1 for work and 1 for home (mostly the gym). They are so much more comfortable and affordable than the Apple products and work really well. Between the case and the buds themselves they've got close to a 20 hour combined charge They have a small loop you can attach a carabiner to so they can go anywhere with you.
Clothing
Athleta Brooklyn Mid-rise Ankle Pant I shop their sales specifically for this pant. I have it in 3 colors now, an olive green, mauve and a white and green strip for summer. This pant is light, flowy and can be dressed up or down. I love that Athleta has talls so I get the fit that is advertised. It hits me right at my belly button and is the perfect rise for this type of pant.
Simple Seed Adult Romper Is a onesie in a cute pattern or solid that is soft, lightweight and great for sleep or lounge wear. I would not wear it outside my home unless I was camping- then it's completely reasonable. It has built in hand and foot covers just like baby's favorite onesie which is actually great for those of us that scratch or just get cold. The comfy jersey fabric and tag free design make this a sensory friendly option- they are also size inclusive.
Thinx Underwear If you aren't someone who menstruates this doesn't apply to you- if you do I strongly suggest giving these a try if you are a light to medium bleeder. I cannot speak to how well it works if you are a heavier bleeder but for me this is a reusable option I could get behind. The cup was never a good option for me and I don't like all the chemicals in pads and tampons or the impact they have on the environment. These are expensive upfront so I have been building up my set for about 2 years, but totally worth it.
This is the FIRST TIME in 7 years that I'm not hosting Thanksgiving. At first I was a little sad about that; but then I realized it was freeing. I don't have to do anything for anyone else. I can choose who I want to spend my time with, and choose who I don't wish to spend my time with. As with every November I am trying to be grateful. I thought I'd try this month to follow one of those grateful checklists within this blog.
1st: Unexpected Blessing: In a year of a lot of medical bills- any time I can pickup coverage for colleagues I appreciate the extra cash. Today I picked up 1.5 classes- happy to have the extra.
2nd: Friends I am grateful for:
I kicked off the month by choosing to spend my time with friends. A very millennial Harry Potter party. I am so grateful to all of them. They've seen me through some dark days and it was great to have fun and start to enjoy coming out the other side.
3rd: Childhood lesson
When I was in elementary school, but parents gifted my grandparents a night at a hotel. But being who they are, they invited me to join them for a night in the city and a pool to swim in. Unknown to any of us there was a convention happening at the hotel for trans people. I remember standing in the elevator and asking grandma why that man was wearing a pink dress. My grandmothers response "Doesn't she look nice"
My grandmother believed in meeting all people with kindness and grace. I think about the responses other members of my family would have given me, but those simple words have stuck with me in such a positive way and I will forever be grateful to her for that.
This weekend I introduced someone to some of my friends from work and church. And all the anxiety I had about it, was just silly. Dating is strange. Dating after nearly a decade is down right weird. But I didn't need to be worried or anxious about any of this. It was good. They all noted I looked happy, they could see a difference. And that is a lovely change.
For me the Christ like attribute I am most grateful for is Grace. We don’t know what’s going on in another persons life and whenever possible starting from a place of grace is impactful
5th: Saying. - "If you think you love freedom, but don't care if it applies to everyone, what you actually love is privilege"
Election day is scary. Today my worst fears were realized. I am so angry that we are here again. That this is the state of the country I live in. The fight continues forward. But today and probably tomorrow I sit with sadness and grief. It's okay to hold space for that.
I couldn't control the election results, but I could control decorating my Christmas Tree, so that's what I did. My Angel on top is a Suffragette.
6th:Provision Of healing.
I am grateful in this season, that as I move through my grief journey, my divorce and the after effects of that, that I am finding healing. I am learning to forgive and to apologize. Even when apologizes are not offered in return. The people who hurt me owe me nothing, but I owe myself peace and space to heal.
7th: Tradition
Well today is my ex husband's birthday. So not spending today the way I traditionally would, but I'm building a new normal. A tradition in general that I am thankful for is driving to see the Christmas lights. Growing up we would drive around the lakes in Minneapolis to see all the houses with their beautiful displays.
Today I was dressed down for being happy. I had great Indian food. And I spent time at our district's transition program where I got to see several alumni from my school and my heart was filled with joy. Had a session with my therapist to end my night.
This year- it feels like it's been Keep Pushin' by REO Speedwagon.
I used to be lonely 'til I learned about livin' alone I found other things to keep my mind on And I'm gettin' to know myself a little bit better Whoa-oh, I keep pushin' on I keep pushin' on, yeah
Goin' through all the changes I made so many mistakes, oh yes, I did Tryin' to leave behind the heartaches And sometimes I think I was a little bit crazy, oh yeah Whoa-oh, I keep pushin' on
Keep pushin', keep pushin' (Keep pushin') keep pushin' on Keep pushin', keep pushin' You know you have got to be so strong (keep pushin')
9th: Memory
This year has been about trying to forget memories if I'm being honest. Or at least compartmentalizing the last 9 years.
2 memories from the last 9 years I have no interest in ever forgetting are the first times I met my best friends two daughters. I have loved these girls since before they were born. I have loved watching them grow. And will continue to be their extra auntie forever and for always.
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Shakespeare date. I've a new found joy in having someone else plan dates and activities. To share those responsibilities. I feel like I'm learning what it means to have a healthy relationship.
10th: Book
My favorite book as a child was "The Little Princess" my dad read it to me and gifted me a copy on my wedding day to remind me that no matter what I will always be his princess. A fact I have been reminded of this year as he's helped me through some of my darkest days. I am so grateful to have never outgrown that title.
Wicked at the Paramount. I've never seen this show and this was a gift to my younger self. I have seen many Broadway shows and tours, and this was hands-down the best music reality and singing I have ever seen in a show. It was also to be in a packed house of people love music musicals in the same way I do.
11th Talent
My own talent that I am most grateful for is my voice. My voice has provided me countless opportunities to make memories and meet new people. I have performed in some amazing spaces, but some of my favorite memories singing are with my mom, aunt and grandmother around the organ or piano. Finding our perfect 4 part harmonies.
Today was a much needed day off. Not because I got to rest but because I got to catch up. To move through the mountains of paperwork that have taken over my life these last few weeks. I got to start and finish several IEPs and amendments. I got progress reports out and put in schedule requests for upcoming meetings. This fall has just about wiped me out, and it was nice to have a day to catch up and catch my breath.
Sometimes all you need is someone to show up for you and sometimes you need to be the person that shows up for someone else. I’m learning to be that person without depleting myself. giving what I can when I can.
12th Technology
Honestly most days as a teacher I hate technology. I hate the over reliance on tech. And I spend most days cursing cell phones even though I do appreciate what mine can offer.
But as I am working to be thankful for something specific every day- here is today's - I am thankful for the heated seats in my car. It rains A LOT in the PNW and I often get back to my car wet and cold, so I am thankful for the quick ability to warm up and shake off that chill.
13th Charity or Foundation
The ACLU- American's Civil Liberties Union is more important now than ever. They have been fighting for our civil rights for over 100 years and will need our help to keep fighting for 100 more. The next four years are going to be very busy. Not only do I support them financially but also with an investment of my time.
There is plenty of work to be done. And plenty of organizations already doing good work you don’t have to start from scratch. Not everyone has the financial resources to give money, but none of these organizations run without dedicated Volunteers. Your time is priceless. Think about who/ what causes you can give it to.
Today the thing I've been anxious about every time I go out happened. I ran into my ex while at Target. As soon as I recognized him, my heart went into overdrive and I was in fight/flight mode. But I'm proud of myself. I was polite we had a civil exchange and it wasn't bad. I wont actively seek it out, but I didn't faint, I didn't die. I got through it. Though it did take a solid hour for me to feel like I had calmed down and wasn't in a state of panic. I do hope to get past that at some point. To be able to run into him and not allow him to have that type of power over my responses. But for now I'm proud of myself and my therapist is proud of me too. Which I've decided is like getting a gold star as a grown up.
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14th Silly Moment
Most silly moments that I miss involve Disney, being playful and feeling like a kid again. For today we'll go with me meeting Eeyore with my Eeyore.
Today I spent the day traveling from Seattle to Boston. So many hours of travel for just a few days with family- but I wouldn't have it any other way.
15th Surprise
I don't tend to do well with surprises. But small things, like getting flowers on a Tuesday, or having someone else offer to cook, are always nice.
Tonight is the first night of wedding weekend. Drove up with family this morning to Rochester. Was great to get time with my cousins.
16th Location
There are a lot of places that I hold dear. As someone who has lived a lot of places, each "home" has an attachment and a feeling. Given that I'm in NY this weekend for a wedding, I'll go with one of my favorite places here. My aunt and uncle's lake house. It's a peaceful place, on the water that's always filled with love.
Woke up today with a Migraine- crapping timing as it's wedding day- but was able to take meds and sleep for a few hours to feel better. Still not 100% but getting closer.
My cousin got married today. She was a beautiful bride. I’m excited to see what this next chapter holds for her.
17th Act of kindness
So many acts of kindness recently. Honestly picking someone up at the airport whether platonic or romantic love is a form of love. So grateful for my cousin Abby for picking me up at the airport, letting me stay at her home and driving me hours over a long weekend.
18th Product
I've actually got a whole list of products I'm grateful for. It's a blog that will come out in December. My take on Oprah's favorite things likes. But a sneak peek from that is this:
Goats Milk Soap This year I struggled a lot with contact dermatitis from pretty much anything and everything. But this soap never causes issues. It is my favorite for my home and to gift to others. It's made in small batches in rural MN. I personally love the pumpkin spice for a hand soap and use the unscented as a body soap. The Eucalyptus Mint is also a really refreshing scent- but can be difficult for those with sensitive skin.
Another full day of travel to make it home. Lyft to the airport at 4:00 am- Through security by 5:00 am. Flight at 7:00 am. Shower by noon and curled up in bed by 1:00pm. Oh and I got flowers on a Tuesday- so yay for small surprises.
19th Teacher
There are 2 teachers from my youth that stand out. Both made me feel the way I hope I make my students feel- valued, important, seen and respected for all their uniqueness.
4th grade- Mrs. Baker
Made even the most stressful parts of school- reading and vocabulary fun. She saved several of my projects and used them as examples years later.
AP US History - Sister Jeanne Marie
Taught me to work smarter not harder. How to take effective notes, and make the most of my studying. She also let me do more projects and show what I know in different ways.
We lost power at 8 pm due to a bomb cyclone. I was in the shower. I went to bed and I slept.
20th Room in my home
Well I have a 3 room house at this point so I'm going with a place in my house. That place is in my reading chair. An Eames replica, leather chair with ottoman and a great warm blanket is a relaxing place to sit and enjoy a glass of wine or a smoothie while listening to the day's record of choice.
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Got a great night sleep in total darkness but with no power and temps dropping was grateful to have an option of a warm bed, good food and wonderful company elsewhere. Also no work so there is that.
When you date in college your friends likely know your partner, because one or more of them likely introduced you. When I dated in grad school, my partners friends became my friends. With my ex, our lives became very isolated. We needed the other person to be more for us than either of us could be for the other. A lesson I will take with me in the future. It takes a village to be sustained, and no one should give that up for another person, but rather look at it as a chance to have each village grow.
21st Part of my day
3rd period math. A lot of teachers I know would probably not say the best part of their day is a specific class. But mine is. I have joy in teaching all of my classes, but 3rd period this year is especially engaged and truly a joy to teach most days.
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2nd day no work. Day 1 of a long and very painful headache. Immensely grateful today to have someone who wanted to take care of me. Who did the little things to try to make sure I could get better.
22nd Household task
Doing myself- none of them- its a side effect of being an adult. But Having others do for me, dusting. That's a task I enjoy the least so appreciate when someone else does it the most.
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Day 3 no work which was a good thing because it was also Day 2 of headache. 3 rounds of meds and a lot of rest later and I started to feel better today. There is still a little pain behind my right eye, but manageable. Grateful for walks in the neighborhood with good company.
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Today I saw Macklemore and a whole slew of other talented performers at Benaroya hall in Seattle. A place I love going because the way sound echos through the space is beautiful and brings me a sense of peace.
Got to go home to a place with power. After 2 nights elsewhere I am grateful to sleep in my own bed.
Unfortunately at some point today my wallet was lost/stolen. so I spent the 23rd doing a lot of cancelling cards and requesting new ones.
23rd Something that happened today
Therapy.
I started therapy with Better Help in August and have had incredible growth, self-reflection and progress. We all have aspects of life that feel defeating, and honestly finding a local therapist was proving unrealistic. Better help matched me with a therapist whose schedule works for me. I see her 3-4 times a month and am really seeing progress towards my goals. Learning I don't have to do this all on my own has been a huge blessing this year.
*Shameless Plug- if you are interested you can use my link above and get 2 weeks free and I get a discount on my next month of therapy.
24th Ordinary object
A Ring.
I got engaged in December of 2016 and almost never removed my ring until Spring of 2024. That's over 7 years of getting very use to having a ring on my left ring finger. I tried to go without and did okay for awhile, but decided to get something for myself and a gift for some of my family that has lifted me through this year. So I got us all matching dainty signet rings. It's amazing how reclaiming that finger as something for me has been a part of me taking back my power post divorce.
Tonight I went to another concert at Benaroya -Rainbow City Performers whose mission is: creating a diverse and inclusive environment for musical expression that promotes the equity and visibility of people in the LGBTQIA+ community. I already have a few students in mind that would benefit from this type of community as they leave high school.
I also was able to get my wallet back- almost full. So that’s good enough for me since I cancelled all the cards already.
25th Trait of my personality
I look for the best people. While sometimes this can bite me in the butt, I am getting better at saying goodbye after a red flag when possible obviously not possible with my students, But certainly in my relationships. I wouldn’t want someone to only see my flaws and not all of the great things that I can offer so I try to look the same way.
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Still no school- 4th day out of work. I honestly miss it. I miss seeing my colleagues. I miss seeing my students. I was on vacation the 14th-18th. I went back to work on the 19th, And have not been back since. This week is Thanksgiving so as of right now the most I could work this week is 2 days.
26th Change in my life
Honestly it feels like my life has been changing non-stop for the last 12 months. I'd be okay if some of the changes stopped. But I think the biggest change is that things that were automatic nos for me when I was younger aren't any more. I don’t see things as black and white as I use to. I've accepted more greyscale and while I take less BS in my life than I did a year ago. I also am more accepting of new opportunities.
27th Promise
I have really felt like I've recommitted to my faith in the last few months. The promise I am grateful for is the grace of God. I am saved by Grace Alone through Faith Alone. Not by make acts, action or inaction, not by what I have done or will do, but by Grace Alone through Faith Alone.
That's not permission to go be an ass or cruel in my daily life. It's a reason to provide Grace to others and be that Christ like attribute for others.
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Today I had an echocardiogram. The most recent in a what has felt like a never ending series of test to get at the "heart" of what's been going off with my health.
28th reason for smiling
Doing the Crossword with a special person. I am a Monday maybe Tuesday crossword person- this week I got the Wednesday crossword on my own, but curling up and doing the harder days with someone is a new and fun thing that makes me smile.
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Thanksgiving. It's my first time in 7 years not hosting this Holiday. This year I get to be a guest.
New friendships, a new relationship, and so many great reasons to smile.
29th Meal
This years thanksgiving meal was pretty fabulous; especially the deserts.
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I got myself a cabin in the woods as an escape from the City. I found the most peace this summer disconnected from the world. I knew that I needed that at the end of the month this year. A staycation for myself, to let my mind drift and relax. Unfortunately, I took.a pretty hard fall first thing in the morning so it wasn't exactly the trip I had envisioned, but still really good.
30th Struggle
The struggle I am grateful for is my Divorce. This time last year my whole world fell apart. This week, the last week in November is when he told me he didn't love me and couldn't remember the last time he had, if he ever had. Those are the most painful words I've heard. Our marriage certainly wasn't perfect, but I didn't realize, had been afraid to realize it was that bad. The last year has been a lot of pain. A lot of crying, a lot of emotions and feelings I wouldn't wish on anyone. But it's been a lot of learning to love myself again. Discovering the version of me I want to be, instead of who I thought I needed to be. I've learned it's not bad to take time for yourself. To grow. Sometimes we need space and time. To admit our mistakes and forgive the unforgivable. There are still hard days, and I'm sure there will be more hard days, but I'm learning to find joy again. To make new memories that are happy. To build a new life for myself that is healthy.
Halloween use to be my favorite holiday. Not sure what it will be this year, but I still love fall and want to enjoy it as much as I can.
I ended Sept by hanging up 19 pieces of art. Yes 19!
Bringing my house total to 63 pieces in 700 sq feet. That may feel like a lot to some people, but honestly it really helps me feel like this place is home.
My goal is to get all the art I currently own up before I've been here a year. So I've got 3 months to go. Honestly struggling to believe it's been that long.
I've been on my own for 10 months. Some days it feels like years and other days it feels like the blink of an eye. This month I really want to work on letting go of the things I cannot control that cause me pain. Letting go of the power I give to a person who doesn't deserve it and power to cause pain that only hurts me.
A wise and wonderful person in my life said something recently and I've been trying to repeated it in hard moments. "Your ex doesn't owe you anything" Treat them like you woud a stranger on the street just another random person who exists in the world. Now this is obviously easier said than done. But instead of a fishing hook that I feel like has been imbedded deep inside my heart that get yanked on every time I think about what he did and didn't do. I am envisioning velcro and I imagine removing those hooks and letting myself be free.
It sucks that rather than do the 1 think I asked of him- please have the decency to tell me before you publicly share that you are with someone else, that he blocked me and erased my existence online. It was hurtful and cowardly. But rather than continuing to let that hurt me I'm repeating the mantra- "He's no longer the man you married"
It sucks that he decided his commitment to me and and God weren't worth waiting 8 months to process before he decided to engage in relations with another woman. It's extremely hurtful. I married a man so connected to God and the commitments he made. I married the kind of man who stood behind his promises. So I keep reminding myself "He's no longer the man you married"
It sucks that it feels like he got everything he wanted and I'm left in a million pieces. But as my wise friend says "he doesn't owe me anything" he's nothing better than a stranger any more. So even though I'm left with the feelings of "how could I be so stupid", "how could I not see what was happening in my own home" and "Should I have stayed longer and tried harder" I tell myself "He is no longer the man you married".
I'm not "Healed" I don't know if I ever fully will be. I think when someone hurts you to your core the way divorce does, the way lies of this magnitude do, I think there will always be a scare. Right now this wound is still open. It's still fresh. It's still has days that I feel like I can't get out of bed. Days that my heart wont stop racing and no amount of anxiety meds can calm. There are days that I can compartmentalize and be "okay" even if not great, but after those days the pain seems to come like a surge and knock me back.
If by some miracle this letter makes it to my ex. I hope he reads it. But he doesn't owe me anything.
J- You are no longer the person I fell in love with. You aren't the person I committed my life to before God and our families. You changed and not for the better. You spent years hiding behind the word "fine". Your inability to share your feelings was the counter balance to my inability to give you what you wanted. You held the power the whole time. And that kind of sucks. I shouldn't have given you that kind of power in my life. I wont make that mistake in the future. You still have hooks in me, but you can't fix it. I have to do that. I have to work through forgiving myself. I know people say that I should forgive you because not doing so only hurts me, But I'm not there. I don't forgive you right now. I'm still in so much pain most of which could have been lessened if you'd just had the courage to be honest. You aren't the man I married. So since being friends clearly went out the window because of your actions. I just have to treat you like a stranger on the street. Who owes me nothing.
Wish I could just wake up when September ends. But you get the recap of my month all right here.
Continuing to heal a torn esophagus-so no caffeine or alcohol to kicked off year 12 of teaching; thats a big ask on my mental and emotional health.
I am trying meal kits this fall. Take some of the work out of taking care of myself. Every Plate is what I went with. If you are interested please consider using my link you get some free food and so do I.
It arrived at my apartment complex mail room without issue everything was the temperature it should be. The recipes were easy enough to follow- though there was some user error a few times. I am just learning and working on showing grace to myself. However as the month went on I had more health problems and on going stomach issues that made using the box difficult, so I've paused it for a few weeks while I rest my body and mostly my esophagus.
The first day of school was pretty good. A little anxiety provoking at the end of the day, but otherwise smooth sailing. I definitely got my steps in, but it was the 1st and last day I support all 3 periods of Business Pre-Calc. I cannot do another day with no preps.
The first week went well over all. Happy with how I handled myself in situations, and doing my best to remove myself from some of the toxicity of my work place. For me this means spending more time in the math department and art room and less time in other spaces. Going out for a walk instead of sitting in an echo chamber. I am working to choose Joy.
Another day of emotional pain related to my divorce, knowing that the right thing for my mental health is to remove seeing things, which means deleting my ex and his family from social media. Looking at profiles that have already removed me from existence in their history like the last 9 years didn't happen. That are already posting pictures with what I can only assume is a new girlfriend. Being jealous because he rarely posted any photos with me. My wellbeing means protecting myself from myself. I didn't think he could hurt me more, but blocking me from his family which even he said I would never "lose" is a pain I don't want to know about if I don't have to. I won’t give up my niece, though she needs as much love, and as many people caring about her as the universe can possibly give her. Watching her grow up and finding her truth and what successes for her is joyful. I promised her when she found out that her uncle and I were getting divorced that I would never stop being her aunt. And I don’t plan on ever going back on that promise.
This weekend I had another medical episode- this time I fainted in public. Thankfully there were people around to help me, but I have a moderate sprain of my right ankle and a strain requiring a brace on my left knee. I was just getting back into ballet- I think that's going to be a wash (praying its not but I'm being realistic). When it rains it pours. I know there are people here that would happily come sit with me, or run errands for me. But I don't feel like I know anyone well enough here to want to be with them when I feel like this. For the last few years I've been impressed that when my parents needed someone that the other person was there. Even with all the crap of the divorce, the not so happy relationship most of the time, when they were hurt, or really sick. the other person cared. But it's so new, the divorce is so fresh and I'm protecting myself in not asking my ex for help. Protecting myself both because I have a real fear he wouldn't answer, or he'd say no but also from feelings that I know would come up if he were providing comfort. And he wasn't ever that good when I was sick or dealing with several of the symptoms that have now escalated into bigger things. But when your next closest emergency contact is 1800 miles away, having to think of who else you can put is it's own fatigue.
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I got a medical diagnosis- finally I can say I wasn't making up the issues with my digestion. It wasn't all in my head. It is real. I have something called an esophagus stricture or a narrowing of the esophagus, which is caused by eosinophilic esophagitis. So I got it dilated- which yes hurt once I woke up, but thankfully my mom was in town and I could rest during the weekend. The pain has continued however, and has been aggravated by actually getting sick in the form of a head, cold and sinus infection.
Sprained ankle from the fall and twisted knee are still healing. Not perfect but getting there.
Having my mom in town for all of the stuff was great. We sometimes can get under each others skin, but when I'm ill or in pain or hurting, I'm really thankful to have her there.
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Dating is strange. I'm not in a place that I want to be "in a relationship" with another person. I'm out there single looking to get to know people and have fun, but I am realizing that can mean disappointing people in the process. Never my intent, but I'm working on clear communication from the start.
I also am simultaneously afraid of being alone. Not ending up alone, but just sitting in being alone. Sitting with my own thoughts of disappointment in myself and others. So many panic attacks and crying for no other reason than the pain of being alone.
I don't have many close friends. A hand full of people who live all over the country. None of them in WA. That's maybe the hardest part these days. Feeling disconnected from the people who feel like home.
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My mental health has been in the trash this month. I am grateful I finally have a therapist, but everything going on, work, personal issues, letting myself be emotionally vulnerable, processing the divorce more and the toxicity in that relationship probably from the start, my health issues, I am not okay. If I say I'm fine I'm probably lying. But opening up almost always opens up the waterworks and I'm not always in a space to cry.
I'm so exhausted I nearly fell asleep while teaching my class today--yes while teaching.
I had an IEP or MDT meeting every day this week. I have 3 next week and at least 2 the following week. Hopefully the spring will be more calm...I can hope right?
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The end of this month has been uncovering greater webs of lies. I've opened myself up to healing, to therapy to working through my demons, but in doing so I have to process all the feelings I've shoved down. I have to face all the feelings. I have to stop seeking distractions and start seeking truth and self-love. So I cancelled all the dating apps. I need to make myself the priority even when it's F*cking painful.
If you ask me how I'm doing and I say Fine- you should know I'm probably not, but I'm also not in a safe space to be open about it. If you want that come sit in my living room. Or call me while I can curl up with a weighted blanket. Let me create the safest space I can for myself as I process how I got to this place and the pain I'm in here now.
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I ended this month by getting more art hung. As I've shared before red flag #1 should have been that my ex didn't make our house feel like a home. Most of the art I moved I moved in the same boxes we had last moved them in, never unpacked in 2 years. So having art around me was a big priority. But I've had a rough time since I got home --- see all other blogs. And getting art up hasn't been a priority. But today it was. I started 9/30 with 44 pieces of art up in my home and I'm going to bed with 63 pieces up. Including 2 new prints, one I should have hung ages ago and the 16 photos for the collage of my summer road tirp.
The reality is, I haven't felt safe in a long time. Not continuously. Not like I was free to let my guard down. Free to not be okay.
Anxiety is the wall I put up to protect myself, but I'm not really protecting myself. I'm just causing more harm, more hurt.
The opposite of anger isn't calm it's grace.
I am so far from the peace I crave. The peace I had this summer. This disconnection from the person who makes me so angry, but isn't deserving of any of my energy. And then I'm so angry at myself. For letting myself get here.
My therapist and I are working on re-wiring my thought patterns and behaviors. How I was raised, how I perceived my role in life how that got me to here and how to not ever be here again. It's super painful work and that just makes me more angry at him. This man who could compartmentalize our 8 years together so much that he could just move on like we never happened, no heart break, no devastation. I'm so angry that he's the one that caused the pain and I'm left to pick up a million broken pieces.
The advice of you have to let go of that anger isn't helpful. Because most of my anger is at myself and I have to learn to show myself grace which is not natural for me to do.
The anxiety and the anger are having a very real and tangible impact on my health. I am maxed out on my anxiety meds and the fast acting meds I can take to support. My heart feels like it's racing all the time. It takes nearly every once of energy to get through my day, which means I just crash when I get home, leaving no energy for cooking, cleaning or fun for that matter.
My sleep schedule is a mess. Not that this is new, but it's worse. I wake up with panic attacks, bouts of anxiety, my mind rushing a million miles a minute. If it's after midnight the meds I can take are limited as the ones that will actually put me to sleep will then make me groggy for work. I sleep with a 20 pound weighted blanket, which use to be able to shut off my brain, shut down the anxiety and allow me to rest. Something I only needed every once in a while for panic or migraines. I sleep with it every night and it barely helps any more.
My therapist says my body is on strike. She's not wrong. But I have no option but to push through. I feel like I have no option but to just keep pushing through. I know how to show everyone else Grace, but not myself. My job means helping keep people safe, but I struggle to find a space I feel safe myself.
I crave these things. I crave safety and security, and peace.
I hate the word fine. The word Fine ruined my marriage. My ex used it all the time never sharing his emotions until they all boiled over. I thought I could fix things. That's always been my role to fix. But you can't fix something when the other person has no interest. When they are already 1 foot out the door.
Its been 9 months since I moved out and case could be made I'm struggling more now that I was then. But now I'm the one using the word fine, because if I tell people how I really am my whole world falls apart and I start sobbing.
7 years ago I made a promise to a man and to God that I would honor, and love and cherish and support. And I did all of those things the best I could with someone who never really let me in. And even after I moved out I honored those commitments. I didn't step out I didn't date I made a promise before God and that meant something to me. So I didn't consider dating until my divorce was finalized. A commitment that my ex told me he shared. He told me several times in our divorce process he had no interest in dating. And no surprise to anyone but me any more he lied.
He started dating someone long before we signed divorce papers. He was so done with me, so not heart broken at all he was ready to move forward. He had his family lie to me when he introduced him to this woman in June. She is the reason I didn't get to see my in laws when they were here. The promise I would never lose them, all talk.
All I asked of him when we signed divorce papers was tell me before it's public knowledge that you are seeing someone. Well we can say he failed that.
7 years ago I thought I married a good christian man. I was wrong. I married a man. The man I left didn't know God any more because if he did, he wouldn't have made the choices he did. I'm left working through years of lies.
If you were to ask me my favorite food, I would say "Dumplings". I have never found a dumpling I cannot enjoy. Today I tried another one and I'm another happy camper.
Growing up dumpling meant the squishy bit in a chicken noodle soup and filled pastas. In high school my mom helped me fall in love with sweet cream cheese wontons. In college it became Chinese soup dumplings which are still among my favorites. In graduate school I discovered really fantastic perogies made the right way pan fried goodness with sour cream and a little Indian place above a connivence store that introduced me to Samosas. The neighborhood I lived in in Minneapolis had a place with great empanadas. In moving to Maple Valley I found a little place that served Pelmeni - Russian (Alaskan) dumplings. And today I tried Momo or Nepalese dumplings for the first time.
Dumplings have the power to warm me from the inside. They are a comfort food. They bring joy. So after a week with a lot of mental health and physical health challenges. It's nice to just sit down and eat a bowl of dumplings. Comfort in something familiar taking on a new format.
If I had to pick one word to describe my year, thus far, it would be illness.
Since January I have had three episodes of severe vertigo that led to passing out one where I know I hit my head and 2 that I’m unsure. I’ve ended up in the hospital twice for vomiting. I’ve had an increase in migraines, an increase in overall fatigue, and continued struggles with anxiety and depression.
While some of these things are new, some are not. I’ve spent my whole life living in chronic pain and dealing with chronic illness. I don’t know my life without it and normally talk about disability in terms of being autistic and that I wouldn’t want to cure, Because it’s intrinsically, part of who I am. If someone offered me a cure tomorrow for all of the pain, chronic illnesses, undiagnosed pain. I would accept it in a heartbeat.
my ex-husband knew about my chronic illnesses when we got married, They have gotten worse over the years, but he’s not here anymore and they’re getting worse and I’m having to manage them all on my own because there’s no one out here thatI feel like I could ask for that, even though people have offered. I’m not very good at accepting help. But more than that when I’m in these really low places, I don’t want others to really see that there’s so few people that I let in. 2 close friends- Who live 1800 and 3000 miles away, respectively. And my parents- mostly my mom.
This is the ramblings of the month of August. I checked in once a week and just added on. This is where I ended up.
The first week in August had so many highs and lows.
I had an emergency dental appointment to fix the crown the broke in Moab- thankfully it just needed to be re-attached. The same day I met with my ex at the courthouse for what could have been an email- except I needed a fan and he thought he needed a tent.
On the 4th I spent the day at the beach for a birthday and seafair and paid for it dearly with a horrible sunburn that still hurt a week later. - Struggle of being single is 1) not having someone to help with sunscreen and 2) not having someone else to help with Aloe when you forget to reapply sunscreen.
On the 5th I had to take the car in for repairs for the part that broke in Boise- this was as expensive as I thought it would be and any savings from the trip have now been spent.
On the 6th I got the email that my divorced had been processed. I had hoped I'd feel better- thought I'd feel better- I didn't I spent the day crying at home.
On the 7th I spent over 5 hours at Social Security to get my name changed. That evening I tripped in Capitol Hill taking off most of my upper shin in the process on my way INTO dinner. Can't even blame a drink. Seriously at this point I amazed myself. I spent 35 days on the road- hiked over 100 miles on complex trails- no falls - 1st time out in Seattle and I crash land.
On the 8th I had another planned but expensive dentist appointment- as I am out of Dental Insurance. Did you know the maximum dental coverage has increased around $500 since the 1960's?
On the 9th I had a date cancel. Would have been my first, first date in almost 9 years. Kind of feeling like I just want to rip off that bandaid. I honored my vows I actively turned down dates for 8 months, no apps until after the divorce was finalized. Not for him but for me, to work on myself to honor the commitment I made. But I need to socialize and figure out what forward looks like, because I feel like I'm standing still. Stuck.
I made it back to church first time since June and while the sermon was difficult to hear I needed it. Isn’t that the way church should work? Lots of crying today but it was cathartic. Take away: Imperfect, In Progress and Messy.
I got on the dating apps. It’s weird people either look young enough to to have sat in my classroom in the past 5 years, or old enough to be my father. The Seattle Tech bro conundrum is a real issue because they all started working from home four years ago and never went back and they don’t understand how to socialize. And this is from the autistic person. I know my worth I know I’m worth showing up on time for. I’m worth a two-way conversation and offering to buy me a drink. And yet I fully understand why all of the smart, beautiful, kind, empathetic women that I know are mostly single. Because whatever we’re being offered, isn’t worth the trouble.
I have gone on a few dates this month and it’s all weird. It’s good to get to know someone it’s good to put myself out there. It’s good to be treated with respect.It’s weird to be in this situation. It’s weird to be dating again. It’s weird because Somedays I am 100% over my ex and some days I’m not; Not that I would go back, but when I’m sitting in the hospital- he’s who I wanted to have be there. I wanted him to protect me- keep me safe. I am never going back, but it’s OK to know that moving forward is the right thing and still be hurting. It’s OK to hurt. It means it’s OK for him to move on too. To feel strange about the idea of him dating and wonder if he gives a shit about me dating at all. I don’t get know those things anymore. Not that my ex ever did a good job about sharing his feelings with me; kind of how we ended up here. But it’s so much to process every day and some days I just don’t want to.
I finally made it back to the Ocean. After spending most of the summer in the desert, life slowed down at the water. And also, is it really summer? If I don’t get mini donuts? I don’t think so!
This month was the Democratic national convention thank goodness, a lovely distraction from my reality. An escape from what’s going on inside my head and an opportunity to cry cried a lot this month. They haven’t all been happy tears, but they haven’t been sad tears either. I am so excited to help elect the first black Asian woman president—And I’m pretty damn excited to get a teacher and a Minnesotan in office too.
I distracted myself with 2 baseball games, a trip to the ice rink, a musical and a concert this month.
Ice Skating - first time in over a year
Saw Peter Pan
I got ready to go back to work. I spent six years this department chair, and four years as a union rep of some kind. This year, I’m not in charge of anything. Yet another change in my life, one that I was planning to make long before my divorce, I was making an attempt to save my marriage but now I don’t have marriage to save. I’m a little nervous about what I’m going to the extra time. Sitting alone with my thoughts isn’t healthy in the quantity I’m currently getting.
And just when I thought summer was quieting down…
Ended up in the hospital again- similar reason to the trip in Wyoming this time there was blood involved. Horrible pain and a lot of blood. ER was next to useless. Just because my pain looks different because I live in pain so my pain is quiet doesn’t mean it’s not there. Crying exasperates the pain so I don’t. Talking exasperates the pain so I don’t.
I have a tear in my esophagus the best they could do was tell me no pain meds, here is a better antacid- that you’ll have to pick up tomorrow and schedule your own G.I. Appointment. But you cannot get anyone to talk to you until Monday. If you can help it don't get sick on the weekends. G.I. clinic told me it would be a 3 month wait for an in person appointment or I could be seen virtually the same day-1 guess at what I chose. Got more medications and am finally able to take a pain med again. On meal replacements and liquid diet for the foreseeable future. No alcohol (not great for back to school week) but I will survive.
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Our students are suppose to out live us. Loosing kids never gets any easier. It's never any less painful. As we go into the first day of school next week one place will be missing a smile. Missing laughter. Missing someone who should be there.
It has been extremely difficult to be at work and feel like I can be productive. To get what I need to get done done. I just want to sit and be sad, but I don't get to be because 100 other kids are relying on me to be excited for them to be there and ready to make this year the year they don't hate math.
But if you know me personally or have gotten to this point in this blog you know I have a lot going on emotionally and physically right now, so if you are the type of person that prays. I would really appreciate some prayer.
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But yeah- there has been a lot to take in and process this month. I can say will full sincerity I'm ready to leave August 2024 behind.
Dating in 2024 is weird. I didn’t think I would ever need to know that other than hearing things from my students and my friends. But here I am dating in 2024.
Here is what I have learned
Within the 12 year age Range I’m willing to consider dating (34-46) People either look Young enough to have been someone I could’ve taught or old enough to be my father. Mostly the latter
If a man post a group photo as his main photo, he is never the attractive one in that photo
People are not putting their best foot forward out here flipping off the camera sticking their tongue out saying lewd things so much of the pool is not an option from the start- People for who they are at face value.
At least 50% of the profiles are fake or scams. If they’re not willing to meet you within a week or they’re trying to tell you about crypto delete report and walk away.
So many people are on this for the ego boost of how many likes they can get and then never engage in conversation.
At least 80% of the people that aren’t scams that do engage in conversation are wildly inappropriate.
Of the remaining about 10% of profiles, there is a significant lack of social skills when meeting in person.
So let’s do some math
Let’s say in one month you match with 20 profiles- this would entail looking at well over 100 as most people fit into the I’m not interested category. And I’m sure not everybody’s interested in me.
We take 10 of them out right away scams
Eight more are highly inappropriate or never bothered to message back
This leaves us with two dates one had no social skills
-Showed up late didn’t pay for my drink didn’t compliment how I looked and didn’t ask me any questions about me that I hadn’t previously asked him about himself
I have been home for 1 week. It's been a roller coster
1st- Dentist appointment to re-cement crown $250. Go to Court House to finalizing divorce papers - first time seeing my ex in months pleasant conversation leaves me even more sad. Thankful for good friend who had a beer with me after.
2nd- Cleaning car, cleaning house get food etc.
3rd- Finally get my mail delivered after 3 days of calling USPS
4th- Friend's Birthday party/ Seafair - fun- however the resulting sunburn from hell that made it painful to move for 2 days not so fun
5th- Car repairs $720 and painful sunburn
6th- Email that divorce was finalized yesterday. Day for being sad while distracting myself with the happiness of Tim Walz.
7th- 5 Hours at the Social Security Administration office to change my name. Went out to dinner with Timeleft but tripped and fell on the street before I got to the restaurant skinning my hands, already sunburned leg and injuring my pride. Used dinner as a distraction, but can barely walk now that I'm home.
Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment but I've run out of dental insurance for the year so that will be NOT FUN but hopefully the baseball game is fun and I manage to go out without injuring myself.
I was born right around the time George H.W. Bush was inaugurated, and my very liberal mother thought if the President could have 4 names, so could her daughter.
I don't recommend doing that to a child. My entire childhood and into adulthood there has only been 1 box for a middle initial- but I always had 2. I've had my second middle name mistaken for part of my last name and my first middle name mistaken for part of my first name. So when I got married 7 years ago I dropped the 2nd middle name and my maiden name.
Almost 7 years to the day of when I went into social security to take my married name I was back in the same office to take my maiden name back. But I didn't take back my 2nd middle name. Nothing in my life is simple so I'm keeping my name simple. 3 names, 4 syllables, nothing complicated other than spending almost 6 hours in the social security office.
I don't think I'll ever change my name again. Even on the off chance I find someone I want to let back into my life in that way again, I firmly believe I'll keep my name, because I like my name. I like that it's uncommon but simple. I like that I will be the only person with this last name in my district. So I wont get emails that don't belong to me. I like that no one can take it from me. When you get divorced so much is taken from you. Taking my name back is something I had full control over.
I used a lot of different gear this summer. Most of it I was really happy with (Because I did my research in advance of spending money). But I thought I'd share the ones I wont go on the road without.
I consider myself glamping light. I like to be comfortable and will take heavier or bigger items in order to provide that comfort.
Sleep System:
Tent
Kelty Late Start 2 I don't believe in 1 person tents, because even when I camp alone I like space to move so for me a 2 person tent is a 1 person tent. You would have to REALLY like the person your camping with, and have narrow sleeping pads, for this to be a 2 person tent. But for me this summer I loved it for 4 reasons:
Set up and Take down are SO easy. I got it down to around 3 minutes including stakes.
Deep Bathtub Floor- I had several Flash Flooding situations on the road trip this summer and I never worried about water getting in my tent.
The stakes it came with are better than the backup ones I bought.
Packs small- This is NOT a backpacking tent it's 4.5 pounds, but for car camping it so easy to fit anywhere in my car.
Quilt:
Puffy Quilt - I did have and use a sleeping bag for much of the trip and I do love mine, but it's not in production any more. This quilt however that my niece got me for Christmas saved the day in so many ways.
Extra warmth on the cold nights
A great star gazing blanket either on the ground or wrapped around me
It has thumb loops and snaps so you can wear it as a cap without worry
Perfect size for 1 person and packs into almost nothing. This is just going to stay in my car for those cold football games this fall.
Mattress:
Deep Sleep Overland Mattress- This was a splurge item for the trip and was worth every penny. I slept great nearly every night once I got it inflated properly. If I had the space I could have slept in my car as this is designed to fit my outback, but for me it made for a great bed each night. Almost as comfortable as what I have a home. I think the electric air pump is essential to getting it to sleep like at home levels.
I brought my pillow from home, a sheet for on the mattress (Twin XL) and a very thin top quilt that I used when it got really hot.
Cook Kit:
Stoves:
I brought 2 and I'll defend that decision. I had my new 2 burner Eureka! Ignite 2 burner and my old and trusted Jet Boil. They serve very different purposes. The 2-Burner is meant for actually cooking. Rice dishes, pancakes, brats and chicken- etc. Where as the Jet Boil is really good at heating up water- which is good for things like Coffee, Oatmeal and backpacking meals. On a 35 day trip I was happy to be able to make real meals, that didn't come out of a bag. However, if I were to do a shorter trip - less than 10 days. I'd only take the jet boil with me to save on space. They use different types of fuel so it's a lot to pack if you aren't going to get use out of both of them.
Pots and Pans
GSI Bugaboo Base Set - SMALL This is all I will probably ever need. I have 2 pots and 1 pan, lids and a handle. The Strainer is built into each pots lid. They all stack together and fit perfectly in my camp kitchen bag. The non-stick surface makes clean up so easy too. I would only take this out if I was taking my 2-burner stove.
Kitchen Bag:
Kelty Camp Kitchen Organizer Delux Kelty makes 2 options for this bag. I prfer this one because of how it opens and stands on its own when open. I loved that all of my cooking supplies except the 2 burner stove were all in 1 place. This bag fits the following - with room to spare:
Cutting board and 3 knives, Utensils set, 2 Silicone spoons and 1 set of tongs, Salt and Pepper grinder, Thermometer, Bugaboo Set, Jet Boil, Mug, Cup, Plate and Bowl, soap, scraper, water bladder, trash bags, extra food bags, 2 collapsible water bottles, Table Cloth and paper towels.
Table Cloth
Picnic tables are nasty and having a cover you can easily put on and have it stay on is such a time saver. This fixed the problem of having a clean cooking surface every day: Table Cloth stretches around the table to stays put. I got the 30x72 and it worked in every national park except 1 (Capitol Reef). I would just wipe it down after every meal and pack it back up in my kit. Never leave anything that has touched food out where there are animals. It just invites trouble.
Cooler:
I used 2 coolers this trip. The Yeti Roadie which is fine and the K2 60L cooler. This thing is a beast. It holds over 80 pounds of ice (no food) and keeps ice for up to 10 days based on my own experiences this summer (5 days in Utah). I cannot pick it up full but the handles make it easy to maneuver inside my car to drain the water out and to lift it onto a trolley to move around when needed. The square shape was also better for me as it allowed me to put the coolers side by side and have access to both.
Trail Gear:
Back Pack
My pack was the last present I got from my ex, but it's actually a good one. Ultimate Direction Fastpacker 2.0 This is a 20L bag that feels like a 10L. The 2 chest harnesses and the number of pockets mean I can be more conscious about where and how I carry the weight in my bag. The extra zipper makes it really easy to get into mid hike without unpacking the whole bag, while the roll top feature provides extended storage up to 23 L. I used the 2 front strap pockets for my Satellite emergency device and my bear spray, while the 2 back waterbottle pockets typically held 1L water bottles and until Utah the back storage pocket was just for snacks and firstaid. In Utah I started using my water bladder.
Hydration:
I have 2 0.5 L bottles that go on the front of the pack, I only used them a handful of times and mostly for having water in my tent when it got hot as one is insulated and would keep it cool overnight.
Osprey Hydration Bladder I have the 2L version of this product which they don't seem to make anymore. I love mine. It's the perfect size the quick connect hose means I can leave my bite piece and hose line in place and just take out the bladder to refill it. The back panel also helps the bag keep its shape in my pack instead of sinking to the bottom which is a feature I really like. I wish I would have switched to this sooner because it makes life so easy. I actually use it still during the summer as a way to stay hydrated on the go with the pack system.
Shoes
Altra Lone Peak 7- Trail Runners I switched to trail runners from traditional hiking boots last year and I am so thankful that I did. First these are way lighter and easier to wear. Second they have a wide toe box that makes them so much more comfortable and third they have Zero heal drop. What this means is that my body is better aligned on longer hikes which makes me not so sore the next day. They also dry really fast even after getting wet which for much of what I was doing was best case scenario.
If you don't like to be barefoot, or really like padding in your footwear- you will hate these. But for me they meet my needs.
Clothing
The stand out clothing of this trip all comes from Eddie Bauer and is part of there UPF collections. As I sit here today typing this very sunburned after a day at the beach in Seattle, I know the UPF clothing literally saved my skin this summer. It's light weight and breathable while providing another layer of protection. On this trip I had 2 Guide Long Sleeve Tops and one pair of Rainier Capris (out of production). My Puffer jacket is also Eddie Bauer.
