October Update

 Halloween use to be my favorite holiday. Not sure what it will be this year, but I still love fall and want to enjoy it as much as I can. 

I ended Sept by hanging up 19 pieces of art. Yes 19!

Bringing my house total to 63 pieces in 700 sq feet. That may feel like a lot to some people, but honestly it really helps me feel like this place is home.

My goal is to get all the art I currently own up before I've been here a year. So I've got 3 months to go. Honestly struggling to believe it's been that long. 

I've been on my own for 10 months. Some days it feels like years and other days it feels like the blink of an eye. This month I really want to work on letting go of the things I cannot control that cause me pain. Letting go of the power I give to a person who doesn't deserve it and power to cause pain that only hurts me. 

The month kicked off with 4 medical appointments. Consultation with a new Neurologist, an MRI a Swallow study, and a Food Allergy testing to get at the root cause of the Eosinophilic Esophagitis. 

I think I confuse the neurologist, but at least he is trying. Ordered a new MRI and wants me to journal my health-a system I am very familiar with. If I have more fainting episodes we will add cardiology to the list of specialists in my life. I'm in the process of getting all my doctors under 1 roof, but I can't get in with a new primary care until January so I will be divided for a while longer. 

I don't expect any 1 doctor to have an answer. But I hope that by having testing and bringing multiple experts together that I can work towards finding answers. I'm also looking into full Genome sequencing. If that's something you've done please let me know in the comments or reach out to me with your thoughts. 

Swallow study wasn't pleasant but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It was also validating that the issues I feel like I'm still having are real and not in my head. 

The MRI didn't show anything new. Which I am grateful for. While I would like answers to what's happening in my body, I'd rather it not be something with my brain. 

No new food allergies, but more environmental allergies.  Doctor thinks I may have something called Pollen Food Allergy Syndrome or Oral Allergy Syndrome which is when the proteins of fruits and veggies are very similar to the pollen of things I am allergic to which causes similar reactions as if I were to ingest the pollen from the primary allergy source. 

I have also scheduled a consult with cardiology towards the end of the month. 

I'm feeling grateful that the new hospital system I am in has been able to get all of my appointments in quickly.  I've got enough crap in my life, that it's nice to feel like something is going okay. 

First Friday in October I put on a really fun outfit and went to a concert where I was reminded of how old I am, based on the fact I don't wear lingerie as outerwear, I wear practical shoes and even in those shoes that dancing for 2 hours straight is a lot for me. Zedd was fantastic. I loved being able to feel completely free. No judgement or criticism, just an opportunity to stim and be myself for a few hours.  Will definitely be looking for more local opportunities for EDM.

The 2nd week in October was one filled with joy. Time with friends, short work week, meeting new people and finding joy. There was a not so great concert in Black Violins. I've never seen the Paramount so empty it was actually kind of sad. Unfortunately I also had the displeasure of sitting next to a woman whose perfume was high intensity Rose. I love real flowers, but perfume is just too intense for me, so I ended up leaving the show early. I also proctored the SAT this week.  I totally see why people do it as a retirement job. Bring a good book, get up and walk around the room every 5-10 minutes and make easy money. I'll keep this in mind for picking up extra work next summer. 

The dog that literally got me through Christmas last year died this week. Gracie - My in-laws dog sat with me on the couch in the living room at their house as my world began to truly crumble. In a place of feeling so many painful emotions, she sat with me and snuggled so I wasn't alone.  Seeing that she died hit me like a ton of bricks I wasn't expecting.  

Going into week 3 in October and I finally feel like I had energy left over to do things extra. To meal prep to try new recipes to do things entirely for myself.   

Recipe number 1 is a stew recipe. Found here: Instapot Stew Made enough for many meals- I ordered Cup size freezer cubes so I can meal prep for better Freezer meals

Recipe # 2 is a new glaze for Ahi:Maple Glaze So good and so simple, now to build confidence in cooking tuna to my preferred temp.

Recipe #3 is a fall tradition 

2 small sweet potato peeled and diced (or 1 large)

1 onion 

2-3 medium tomatoes diced or 1/2 of a 14 oz can.

1 lb stew meat

1 package of chili seasoning

3 Cups of Beef Broth - I like unsalted

1/2 cup of bbq sauce

1 Can of kidney Beans (optional)

In an instapot- Brown your meat first add the seasoning while browning then add everything else. Stir and set to high pressure I find 35 minutes with a natural steam release works well. 

Pray to God but Tie up your camel. Great words of wisdom from my therapist

More doctors appointments. Finding new pain meds I can use has been an interesting ride, but I think I've gotten there. My anxiety and depression are demons I fight every single day. It's why I have weekly therapy. It's why I blog in the first place. It's why getting out of bed even for the fun things can be really hard sometimes. 

I met with another specialist- Cardiology. Because if me passing out isn't neurological maybe it has to do with my heart. While I have been broken hearted for months now, I am hoping that there isn't actually anything physically wrong with my heart.  While I'd love an answer to my health issues, it's scary to think about what those things could be. 

Cardiologist thinks it sounds like syncope but was concerned about how low my blood pressure is so I've been told to have more salt- a lot more salt. I also got 48 hours of heart monitoring and an echocardiogram scheduled. More tests for me I guess. 

I hung up several more pieces of art while adding more to the collection, so it may be the never ending project. But I got the big 3 maps hung and that felt rewarding. I also did another paint night and got more art hung in my classroom. 

To the left 3 maps of Minneapolis, MN; St. Paul, MN; and Seattle, WA. These were a gift from a former para educator that I worked with and I love them. 

Below is the corner of my classroom filled with many of my own pieces of art. 

I went on a lot of walks this month. 

Watching the sunset over the mountains from Discovery Park is probably my favorite of the month. But it was something new. And I’m enjoying new. 

Halloween has held a lot of emotional energy. It was the first time I met my ex in person. And has always been my favorite holiday as an adult; even before that. It’s the day I’ve been dreading having to live through since our wedding anniversary in June, which was probably one of the most painful days for me besides moving out.  I’ve since found out that he had already moved on to the point that he was Introducing a new woman to his family moving on, and I haven’t gotten to the point of forgiving him for that that’s gonna take a while, But I’ve started forgiving him things earlier. For lies, And half truths.  I know logically that holding onto the anger really only hurts me. But I can’t let go of it all at once I think that’s asking for something Inhumane from me. 

I don’t want to treat Halloween like just any other day. It’s not; it’s still my favorite holiday. It is a day that I get to be playful and I get to have fun, But it’s not the only day I get to do that.  So this year instead of trying to make my Halloween smaller, I made it bigger and I let myself have fun multiple days. I played Halloween trivia to kick off the spooky season.  I went to A spooky organ concert. Halloween at church- where we got a scene from Princess Bride.

I had the annual Halloween party with the club that I advise at school. I carved pumpkins. I dressed up on Halloween and I have a beginning of November event as well. I had fun and I brought myself joy. I made new memories.