Grace and Safe

 The opposite of anxiety isn't calm it's safe. 

The anxiety is free to melt away when I am safe. 

The reality is, I haven't felt safe in a long time. Not continuously. Not like I was free to let my guard down. Free to not be okay. 

Anxiety is the wall I put up to protect myself, but I'm not really protecting myself. I'm just causing more harm, more hurt. 

The opposite of anger isn't calm it's grace. 

I am so far from the peace I crave. The peace I had this summer. This disconnection from the person who makes me so angry, but isn't deserving of any of my energy. And then I'm so angry at myself. For letting myself get here. 

My therapist and I are working on re-wiring my thought patterns and behaviors. How I was raised, how I perceived my role in life how that got me to here and how to not ever be here again. It's super painful work and that just makes me more angry at him. This man who could compartmentalize our 8 years together so much that he could just move on like we never happened, no heart break, no devastation. I'm so angry that he's the one that caused the pain and I'm left to pick up a million broken pieces. 

The advice of you have to let go of that anger isn't helpful. Because most of my anger is at myself and I have to learn to show myself grace which is not natural for me to do. 

The anxiety and the anger are having a very real and tangible impact on my health. I am maxed out on my anxiety meds and the fast acting meds I can take to support. My heart feels like it's racing all the time. It takes nearly every once of energy to get through my day, which means I just crash when I get home, leaving no energy for cooking, cleaning or fun for that matter. 

My sleep schedule is a mess. Not that this is new, but it's worse. I wake up with panic attacks, bouts of anxiety, my mind rushing a million miles a minute. If it's after midnight the meds I can take are limited as the ones that will actually put me to sleep will then make me groggy for work. I sleep with a 20 pound weighted blanket, which use to be able to shut off my brain, shut down the anxiety and allow me to rest. Something I only needed every once in a while for panic or migraines. I sleep with it every night and it barely helps any more. 

My therapist says my body is on strike. She's not wrong. But I have no option but to push through. I feel like I have no option but to just keep pushing through. I know how to show everyone else Grace, but not myself. My job means helping keep people safe, but I struggle to find a space I feel safe myself. 

I crave these things. I crave safety and security, and peace.