September update

Wish I could just wake up when September ends. But you get the recap of my month all right here. 

Continuing to heal a torn esophagus-so no caffeine or alcohol to kicked off year 12 of teaching; thats a big ask on my mental and emotional health. 

I am trying meal kits this fall. Take some of the work out of taking care of myself. Every Plate is what I went with. If you are interested please consider using my link you get some free food and so do I. 

It arrived at my apartment complex mail room without issue everything was the temperature it should be. The recipes were easy enough to follow- though there was some user error a few times. I am just learning and working on showing grace to myself. However as the month went on I had more health problems and on going stomach issues that made using the box difficult, so I've paused it for a few weeks while I rest my body and mostly my esophagus. 

The first day of school was pretty good. A little anxiety provoking at the end of the day, but otherwise smooth sailing. I definitely got my steps in, but it was the 1st and last day I support all 3 periods of Business Pre-Calc. I cannot do another day with no preps. 

The first week went well over all. Happy with how I handled myself in situations, and doing my best to remove myself from some of the toxicity of my work place. For me this means spending more time in the math department and art room and less time in other spaces. Going out for a walk instead of sitting in an echo chamber. I am working to choose Joy.

Which is hard most days. Seeing on facebook that my former in-laws were in town and knowing I wouldn't see them made choosing joy hard at the start of this month. I not only lost my husband in my divorce but I lost family that I care deeply for. They said I wouldn't lose them. My former mother-in-law promised to come see me when she was in Seattle to see my apartment. She's been here twice, that didn't happen- Actions speak louder. I still connect with my brother in law and my niece with some regularity, but I did loose people in the divorce. They didn't die, but they appropriately chose their kid. My ex doesn't have the same loss of family that I'm experiencing. he made very little effort to get to know my family. 🚩 But that means he wont ever understand the additional pain our divorce has caused me in loosing the relationship I had with his parents.  

Another day of emotional pain related to my divorce, knowing that the right thing for my mental health is to remove seeing things, which means deleting my ex and his family from social media. Looking at profiles that have already removed me from existence in their history like the last 9 years didn't happen. That are already posting pictures with what I can only assume is a new girlfriend. Being jealous because he rarely posted any photos with me. My wellbeing means protecting myself from myself. I didn't think he could hurt me more, but blocking me from his family which even he said I would never "lose" is a pain I don't want to know about if I don't have to. I won’t give up my niece, though she needs as much love, and as many people caring about her as the universe can possibly give her. Watching her grow up and finding her truth and what successes for her is joyful. I promised her when she found out that her uncle and I were getting divorced that I would never stop being her aunt. And I don’t plan on ever going back on that promise.  

This weekend I had another medical episode- this time I fainted in public. Thankfully there were people around to help me, but I have a moderate sprain of my right ankle and a strain requiring a brace on my left knee. I was just getting back into ballet- I think that's going to be a wash (praying its not but I'm being realistic).  When it rains it pours. I know there are people here that would happily come sit with me, or run errands for me. But I don't feel like I know anyone well enough here to want to be with them when I feel like this.  For the last few years I've been impressed that when my parents needed someone that the other person was there. Even with all the crap of the divorce, the not so happy relationship most of the time, when they were hurt, or really sick. the other person cared.  But it's so new, the divorce is so fresh and I'm protecting myself in not asking my ex for help. Protecting myself both because I have a real fear he wouldn't answer, or he'd say no but also from feelings that I know would come up if he were providing comfort.  And he wasn't ever that good when I was sick or dealing with several of the symptoms that have now escalated into bigger things. But when your next closest emergency contact is 1800 miles away, having to think of who else you can put is it's own fatigue. 

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I got a medical diagnosis- finally I can say I wasn't making up the issues with my digestion. It wasn't all in my head. It is real. I have something called an esophagus stricture or a narrowing of the esophagus, which is caused by eosinophilic esophagitis. So I got it dilated- which yes hurt once I woke up, but thankfully my mom was in town and I could rest during the weekend. The pain has continued however, and has been aggravated by actually getting sick in the form of a head, cold and sinus infection.

Sprained ankle from the fall and twisted knee are still healing. Not perfect but getting there. 

Having my mom in town for all of the stuff was great. We sometimes can get under each others skin, but when I'm ill or in pain or hurting, I'm really thankful to have her there. 

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Dating is strange. I'm not in a place that I want to be "in a relationship" with another person. I'm out there single looking to get to know people and have fun, but I am realizing that can mean disappointing people in the process. Never my intent, but I'm working on clear communication from the start.

I also am simultaneously afraid of being alone. Not ending up alone, but just sitting in being alone. Sitting with my own thoughts of disappointment in myself and others.  So many panic attacks and crying for no other reason than the pain of being alone. 

I don't have many close friends. A hand full of people who live all over the country. None of them in WA. That's maybe the hardest part these days. Feeling disconnected from the people who feel like home. 

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My mental health has been in the trash this month. I am grateful I finally have a therapist, but everything going on, work, personal issues, letting myself be emotionally vulnerable, processing the divorce more and the toxicity in that relationship probably from the start, my health issues, I am not okay. If I say I'm fine I'm probably lying. But opening up almost always opens up the waterworks and I'm not always in a space to cry. 

I'm so exhausted I nearly fell asleep while teaching my class today--yes while teaching.

I had an IEP or MDT meeting every day this week. I have 3 next week and at least 2 the following week. Hopefully the spring will be more calm...I can hope right?

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The end of this month has been uncovering greater webs of lies.  I've opened myself up to healing, to therapy to working through my demons, but in doing so I have to process all the feelings I've shoved down. I have to face all the feelings. I have to stop seeking distractions and start seeking truth and self-love. So I cancelled all the dating apps. I need to make myself the priority even when it's F*cking painful. 

If you ask me how I'm doing and I say Fine- you should know I'm probably not, but I'm also not in a safe space to be open about it. If you want that come sit in my living room. Or call me while I can curl up with a weighted blanket. Let me create the safest space I can for myself as I process how I got to this place and the pain I'm in here now.  

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I ended this month by getting more art hung. As I've shared before red flag #1 should have been that my ex didn't make our house feel like a home. Most of the art I moved I moved in the same boxes we had last moved them in, never unpacked in 2 years. So having art around me was a big priority. But I've had a rough time since I got home --- see all other blogs. And getting art up hasn't been a priority. But today it was. I started 9/30 with 44 pieces of art up in my home and I'm going to bed with 63 pieces up. Including 2 new prints, one I should have hung ages ago and the 16 photos for the collage of my summer road tirp.