This is the ramblings of the month of August. I checked in once a week and just added on. This is where I ended up.
The first week in August had so many highs and lows.
I had an emergency dental appointment to fix the crown the broke in Moab- thankfully it just needed to be re-attached. The same day I met with my ex at the courthouse for what could have been an email- except I needed a fan and he thought he needed a tent.
On the 4th I spent the day at the beach for a birthday and seafair and paid for it dearly with a horrible sunburn that still hurt a week later. - Struggle of being single is 1) not having someone to help with sunscreen and 2) not having someone else to help with Aloe when you forget to reapply sunscreen.
On the 5th I had to take the car in for repairs for the part that broke in Boise- this was as expensive as I thought it would be and any savings from the trip have now been spent.
On the 6th I got the email that my divorced had been processed. I had hoped I'd feel better- thought I'd feel better- I didn't I spent the day crying at home.
On the 7th I spent over 5 hours at Social Security to get my name changed. That evening I tripped in Capitol Hill taking off most of my upper shin in the process on my way INTO dinner. Can't even blame a drink. Seriously at this point I amazed myself. I spent 35 days on the road- hiked over 100 miles on complex trails- no falls - 1st time out in Seattle and I crash land.
On the 8th I had another planned but expensive dentist appointment- as I am out of Dental Insurance. Did you know the maximum dental coverage has increased around $500 since the 1960's?
On the 9th I had a date cancel. Would have been my first, first date in almost 9 years. Kind of feeling like I just want to rip off that bandaid. I honored my vows I actively turned down dates for 8 months, no apps until after the divorce was finalized. Not for him but for me, to work on myself to honor the commitment I made. But I need to socialize and figure out what forward looks like, because I feel like I'm standing still. Stuck.
I made it back to church first time since June and while the sermon was difficult to hear I needed it. Isn’t that the way church should work? Lots of crying today but it was cathartic. Take away: Imperfect, In Progress and Messy.
I got on the dating apps. It’s weird people either look young enough to to have sat in my classroom in the past 5 years, or old enough to be my father. The Seattle Tech bro conundrum is a real issue because they all started working from home four years ago and never went back and they don’t understand how to socialize. And this is from the autistic person. I know my worth I know I’m worth showing up on time for. I’m worth a two-way conversation and offering to buy me a drink. And yet I fully understand why all of the smart, beautiful, kind, empathetic women that I know are mostly single. Because whatever we’re being offered, isn’t worth the trouble.
I have gone on a few dates this month and it’s all weird. It’s good to get to know someone it’s good to put myself out there. It’s good to be treated with respect.It’s weird to be in this situation. It’s weird to be dating again. It’s weird because Somedays I am 100% over my ex and some days I’m not; Not that I would go back, but when I’m sitting in the hospital- he’s who I wanted to have be there. I wanted him to protect me- keep me safe. I am never going back, but it’s OK to know that moving forward is the right thing and still be hurting. It’s OK to hurt. It means it’s OK for him to move on too. To feel strange about the idea of him dating and wonder if he gives a shit about me dating at all. I don’t get know those things anymore. Not that my ex ever did a good job about sharing his feelings with me; kind of how we ended up here. But it’s so much to process every day and some days I just don’t want to.
I finally made it back to the Ocean. After spending most of the summer in the desert, life slowed down at the water. And also, is it really summer? If I don’t get mini donuts? I don’t think so!
This month was the Democratic national convention thank goodness, a lovely distraction from my reality. An escape from what’s going on inside my head and an opportunity to cry cried a lot this month. They haven’t all been happy tears, but they haven’t been sad tears either. I am so excited to help elect the first black Asian woman president—And I’m pretty damn excited to get a teacher and a Minnesotan in office too.
I distracted myself with 2 baseball games, a trip to the ice rink, a musical and a concert this month.
I got ready to go back to work. I spent six years this department chair, and four years as a union rep of some kind. This year, I’m not in charge of anything. Yet another change in my life, one that I was planning to make long before my divorce, I was making an attempt to save my marriage but now I don’t have marriage to save. I’m a little nervous about what I’m going to the extra time. Sitting alone with my thoughts isn’t healthy in the quantity I’m currently getting.
And just when I thought summer was quieting down…
Ended up in the hospital again- similar reason to the trip in Wyoming this time there was blood involved. Horrible pain and a lot of blood. ER was next to useless. Just because my pain looks different because I live in pain so my pain is quiet doesn’t mean it’s not there. Crying exasperates the pain so I don’t. Talking exasperates the pain so I don’t.
I have a tear in my esophagus the best they could do was tell me no pain meds, here is a better antacid- that you’ll have to pick up tomorrow and schedule your own G.I. Appointment. But you cannot get anyone to talk to you until Monday. If you can help it don't get sick on the weekends. G.I. clinic told me it would be a 3 month wait for an in person appointment or I could be seen virtually the same day-1 guess at what I chose. Got more medications and am finally able to take a pain med again. On meal replacements and liquid diet for the foreseeable future. No alcohol (not great for back to school week) but I will survive.
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Our students are suppose to out live us. Loosing kids never gets any easier. It's never any less painful. As we go into the first day of school next week one place will be missing a smile. Missing laughter. Missing someone who should be there.
It has been extremely difficult to be at work and feel like I can be productive. To get what I need to get done done. I just want to sit and be sad, but I don't get to be because 100 other kids are relying on me to be excited for them to be there and ready to make this year the year they don't hate math.
But if you know me personally or have gotten to this point in this blog you know I have a lot going on emotionally and physically right now, so if you are the type of person that prays. I would really appreciate some prayer.
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But yeah- there has been a lot to take in and process this month. I can say will full sincerity I'm ready to leave August 2024 behind.
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