December Update

 If you had told me last December that I was going to find happiness again, I wouldn't have believed you. Honestly if you told me that in September I'm not sure I would have believed you. But here I am ending what has easily been the hardest year of my life, really looking forward to what the next year has in store. 

I am actively working on myself in therapy. This has easily been the 2nd best thing I did for myself this year. The first being loving myself enough to walk away from my marriage. Therapy for me is less about dwelling in the past and more about navigating my thought processes, getting to the core of why I believe certain things about myself and working to live healthier moving forward. 

I listened to a lot of female musicians this year. Fell into the top 100 Dessa listeners, and got my feels processed, validated or at least out with these songs this year. 

1. Labour- Paris Paloma
2. Hallowed Ground- Bishop Briggs
3. God's Hotel- Peytan Porter
4. I Choose Me - Samantha Leah
5. Long Time Coming- Caitlyn Smith
6. What if I'm not ready- Dessa - I was at this show
7. Dutch - Dessa
8. Blush- Dessa
9. The Bull Pen- Dessa
10. Where I sleep Emeli Sandre

This year I've really learned that No is a full sentence. With no further explanation needed. I can simply say no to things. I can prioritize myself over my job, over what other people want of me. I can make time for who and what I want, and not say yes just because. I can take up space at the table when I choose to sit at it, but not have to be there all the time. Giving up control is hard, but so crucial. 

I've learned to build a space I love. It would be hard to go back to living with someone full time. Not impossible, but it would certainly take adjustment as I've fallen back in love with having my space set up as I want it. If the laundry sits on the couch for a day and doesn't get folded, it's okay.  If I wait 4 days to run the dishwasher as it's not yet full- this is also okay. I take the trash out weekly and get the boxes of recycling out when the stack is almost too big for me to get out on my own, but I'm not seeking to please anyone else by the way I do or don't keep my house.  

I have art ALMOST EVERYWHERE.  I still have 1 fully blank wall in my bedroom, and I kind of like it that way, nothing to distract me as I fall asleep, but plenty of beautiful things to look at the rest of the time. 

Before break, I got a reminder of why I stepped down from leadership. The anxiety and pressure and stress of trying to get everyone an answer, to feel like my own questions have been answered, the desperate need for closure when frankly it rarely exists and the anxiety caused by disappointing people or feeling like I need to coddle adults. I'm so over it. I don't miss it and I really don't want it back. I remember looking at my first co-chair when she stepped down, she seemed lighter and happier. I feel that now, and as much as I care for many of the people I work with. This week has been damaging to my mental health. 

8 years ago this month I got engaged. Something I thought was perfect and would last forever- simply didn't. Over the last 12 months I have been removing memories from Facebook and doing my damnedest to fill my photo drives with new memories so my phone stops creating "memories" with my ex because it's extremely painful to be reminded of what I thought were happy memories that now feel very tainted by many of the things he said and done in the process of the end of our marriage. Mostly feeling like much of my marriage was a lie that was carried on far too long, because he was too scared to be honest with himself and with me about it. But the engagement photos hadn't been removed last year, because at this time I was still hopeful he'd fight for me. That when I said I was looking at moving out that he would say something- anything to stop me from doing that. But he didn't. He didn't fight for us. It feels like he was waiting for me to walk away so he didn't have to be the "bad guy" leaving me with so much baggage to work through- thank god for therapy. But it's time to say goodbye to many of those photos, because continuing to have them and see them isn't healthy. 

In the memory making department. I am learning to open my heart up again.  It has been a year of firsts. First dates, first time time meeting each others friends, first time cooking for each other, first trip together, first holidays together. And so far so good. Communication feels respectful, things that would have in the past led to an argument or name calling or tears, are civil conversations. We had had conversations where we aren't on exactly the same page, but it's not accusatory or belittling, it's respectful and that's a breath of fresh air after the last several years. His friends have been warm and welcoming, and mine note it's nice to see me smiling again. I have a sense of ease and calm when I'm with him. We compliment each other and I look forward to what's to come.  I certainly have missed him as We are both home for Christmas. Texting and video calls are great, but they aren’t enough so I look forward to us both being home in January. 

This Christmas has been an emotional one, maybe even more emotional than last Christmas and that’s saying a lot because last Christmas marriage ended, but I was spending it with my ex in-laws. 

While there was drama and chaos and so many tears, unlike last year, it led to a lot of really good conversations, and I am hopeful that those conversations will lead to progress for me in therapy and better relationship relationships with my family.

 

I have taken So many naps. pretty much daily long naps I am processing so many things in dreams. I am battling Demons that I really don’t want to take into 2025. This year I want to be able to trust myself. As I leave 2024, I have feelings and thoughts that I second-guess myself on pretty much daily and I want to be in a place where I can trust my feelings and trust myself in the decisions I make moving forward. I want to no longer make decisions based on fear or worry. I want to stop second-guessing myself. I want to feel confident in what I’m saying and what I’m doing, but I with that I’m signing off. See you next year!