Boiling Over

 I hate the word fine. The word Fine ruined my marriage. My ex used it all the time never sharing his emotions until they all boiled over. I thought I could fix things. That's always been my role to fix. But you can't fix something when the other person has no interest. When they are already 1 foot out the door. 

Its been 9 months since I moved out and case could be made I'm struggling more now that I was then. But now I'm the one using the word fine, because if I tell people how I really am my whole world falls apart and I start sobbing.  

7 years ago I made a promise to a man and to God that I would honor, and love and cherish and support. And I did all of those things the best I could with someone who never really let me in. And even after I moved out I honored those commitments. I didn't step out I didn't date I made a promise before God and that meant something to me. So I didn't consider dating until my divorce was finalized. A commitment that my ex told me he shared.  He told me several times in our divorce process he had no interest in dating.  And no surprise to anyone but me any more he lied. 

He started dating someone long before we signed divorce papers.  He was so done with me, so not heart broken at all he was ready to move forward. He had his family lie to me when he introduced him to this woman in June. She is the reason I didn't get to see my in laws when they were here. The promise I would never lose them, all talk. 

All I asked of him when we signed divorce papers was tell me before it's public knowledge that you are seeing someone. Well we can say he failed that. 

7 years ago I thought I married a good christian man. I was wrong. I married a man. The man I left didn't know God any more because if he did, he wouldn't have made the choices he did. I'm left working through years of lies.