September update

Wish I could just wake up when September ends. But you get the recap of my month all right here. 

Continuing to heal a torn esophagus-so no caffeine or alcohol to kicked off year 12 of teaching; thats a big ask on my mental and emotional health. 

I am trying meal kits this fall. Take some of the work out of taking care of myself. Every Plate is what I went with. If you are interested please consider using my link you get some free food and so do I. 

It arrived at my apartment complex mail room without issue everything was the temperature it should be. The recipes were easy enough to follow- though there was some user error a few times. I am just learning and working on showing grace to myself. However as the month went on I had more health problems and on going stomach issues that made using the box difficult, so I've paused it for a few weeks while I rest my body and mostly my esophagus. 

The first day of school was pretty good. A little anxiety provoking at the end of the day, but otherwise smooth sailing. I definitely got my steps in, but it was the 1st and last day I support all 3 periods of Business Pre-Calc. I cannot do another day with no preps. 

The first week went well over all. Happy with how I handled myself in situations, and doing my best to remove myself from some of the toxicity of my work place. For me this means spending more time in the math department and art room and less time in other spaces. Going out for a walk instead of sitting in an echo chamber. I am working to choose Joy.

Which is hard most days. Seeing on facebook that my former in-laws were in town and knowing I wouldn't see them made choosing joy hard at the start of this month. I not only lost my husband in my divorce but I lost family that I care deeply for. They said I wouldn't lose them. My former mother-in-law promised to come see me when she was in Seattle to see my apartment. She's been here twice, that didn't happen- Actions speak louder. I still connect with my brother in law and my niece with some regularity, but I did loose people in the divorce. They didn't die, but they appropriately chose their kid. My ex doesn't have the same loss of family that I'm experiencing. he made very little effort to get to know my family. 🚩 But that means he wont ever understand the additional pain our divorce has caused me in loosing the relationship I had with his parents.  

Another day of emotional pain related to my divorce, knowing that the right thing for my mental health is to remove seeing things, which means deleting my ex and his family from social media. Looking at profiles that have already removed me from existence in their history like the last 9 years didn't happen. That are already posting pictures with what I can only assume is a new girlfriend. Being jealous because he rarely posted any photos with me. My wellbeing means protecting myself from myself. I didn't think he could hurt me more, but blocking me from his family which even he said I would never "lose" is a pain I don't want to know about if I don't have to. I won’t give up my niece, though she needs as much love, and as many people caring about her as the universe can possibly give her. Watching her grow up and finding her truth and what successes for her is joyful. I promised her when she found out that her uncle and I were getting divorced that I would never stop being her aunt. And I don’t plan on ever going back on that promise.  

This weekend I had another medical episode- this time I fainted in public. Thankfully there were people around to help me, but I have a moderate sprain of my right ankle and a strain requiring a brace on my left knee. I was just getting back into ballet- I think that's going to be a wash (praying its not but I'm being realistic).  When it rains it pours. I know there are people here that would happily come sit with me, or run errands for me. But I don't feel like I know anyone well enough here to want to be with them when I feel like this.  For the last few years I've been impressed that when my parents needed someone that the other person was there. Even with all the crap of the divorce, the not so happy relationship most of the time, when they were hurt, or really sick. the other person cared.  But it's so new, the divorce is so fresh and I'm protecting myself in not asking my ex for help. Protecting myself both because I have a real fear he wouldn't answer, or he'd say no but also from feelings that I know would come up if he were providing comfort.  And he wasn't ever that good when I was sick or dealing with several of the symptoms that have now escalated into bigger things. But when your next closest emergency contact is 1800 miles away, having to think of who else you can put is it's own fatigue. 

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I got a medical diagnosis- finally I can say I wasn't making up the issues with my digestion. It wasn't all in my head. It is real. I have something called an esophagus stricture or a narrowing of the esophagus, which is caused by eosinophilic esophagitis. So I got it dilated- which yes hurt once I woke up, but thankfully my mom was in town and I could rest during the weekend. The pain has continued however, and has been aggravated by actually getting sick in the form of a head, cold and sinus infection.

Sprained ankle from the fall and twisted knee are still healing. Not perfect but getting there. 

Having my mom in town for all of the stuff was great. We sometimes can get under each others skin, but when I'm ill or in pain or hurting, I'm really thankful to have her there. 

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Dating is strange. I'm not in a place that I want to be "in a relationship" with another person. I'm out there single looking to get to know people and have fun, but I am realizing that can mean disappointing people in the process. Never my intent, but I'm working on clear communication from the start.

I also am simultaneously afraid of being alone. Not ending up alone, but just sitting in being alone. Sitting with my own thoughts of disappointment in myself and others.  So many panic attacks and crying for no other reason than the pain of being alone. 

I don't have many close friends. A hand full of people who live all over the country. None of them in WA. That's maybe the hardest part these days. Feeling disconnected from the people who feel like home. 

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My mental health has been in the trash this month. I am grateful I finally have a therapist, but everything going on, work, personal issues, letting myself be emotionally vulnerable, processing the divorce more and the toxicity in that relationship probably from the start, my health issues, I am not okay. If I say I'm fine I'm probably lying. But opening up almost always opens up the waterworks and I'm not always in a space to cry. 

I'm so exhausted I nearly fell asleep while teaching my class today--yes while teaching.

I had an IEP or MDT meeting every day this week. I have 3 next week and at least 2 the following week. Hopefully the spring will be more calm...I can hope right?

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The end of this month has been uncovering greater webs of lies.  I've opened myself up to healing, to therapy to working through my demons, but in doing so I have to process all the feelings I've shoved down. I have to face all the feelings. I have to stop seeking distractions and start seeking truth and self-love. So I cancelled all the dating apps. I need to make myself the priority even when it's F*cking painful. 

If you ask me how I'm doing and I say Fine- you should know I'm probably not, but I'm also not in a safe space to be open about it. If you want that come sit in my living room. Or call me while I can curl up with a weighted blanket. Let me create the safest space I can for myself as I process how I got to this place and the pain I'm in here now.  

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I ended this month by getting more art hung. As I've shared before red flag #1 should have been that my ex didn't make our house feel like a home. Most of the art I moved I moved in the same boxes we had last moved them in, never unpacked in 2 years. So having art around me was a big priority. But I've had a rough time since I got home --- see all other blogs. And getting art up hasn't been a priority. But today it was. I started 9/30 with 44 pieces of art up in my home and I'm going to bed with 63 pieces up. Including 2 new prints, one I should have hung ages ago and the 16 photos for the collage of my summer road tirp. 

Grace and Safe

 The opposite of anxiety isn't calm it's safe. 

The anxiety is free to melt away when I am safe. 

The reality is, I haven't felt safe in a long time. Not continuously. Not like I was free to let my guard down. Free to not be okay. 

Anxiety is the wall I put up to protect myself, but I'm not really protecting myself. I'm just causing more harm, more hurt. 

The opposite of anger isn't calm it's grace. 

I am so far from the peace I crave. The peace I had this summer. This disconnection from the person who makes me so angry, but isn't deserving of any of my energy. And then I'm so angry at myself. For letting myself get here. 

My therapist and I are working on re-wiring my thought patterns and behaviors. How I was raised, how I perceived my role in life how that got me to here and how to not ever be here again. It's super painful work and that just makes me more angry at him. This man who could compartmentalize our 8 years together so much that he could just move on like we never happened, no heart break, no devastation. I'm so angry that he's the one that caused the pain and I'm left to pick up a million broken pieces. 

The advice of you have to let go of that anger isn't helpful. Because most of my anger is at myself and I have to learn to show myself grace which is not natural for me to do. 

The anxiety and the anger are having a very real and tangible impact on my health. I am maxed out on my anxiety meds and the fast acting meds I can take to support. My heart feels like it's racing all the time. It takes nearly every once of energy to get through my day, which means I just crash when I get home, leaving no energy for cooking, cleaning or fun for that matter. 

My sleep schedule is a mess. Not that this is new, but it's worse. I wake up with panic attacks, bouts of anxiety, my mind rushing a million miles a minute. If it's after midnight the meds I can take are limited as the ones that will actually put me to sleep will then make me groggy for work. I sleep with a 20 pound weighted blanket, which use to be able to shut off my brain, shut down the anxiety and allow me to rest. Something I only needed every once in a while for panic or migraines. I sleep with it every night and it barely helps any more. 

My therapist says my body is on strike. She's not wrong. But I have no option but to push through. I feel like I have no option but to just keep pushing through. I know how to show everyone else Grace, but not myself. My job means helping keep people safe, but I struggle to find a space I feel safe myself. 

I crave these things. I crave safety and security, and peace. 

 

Boiling Over

 I hate the word fine. The word Fine ruined my marriage. My ex used it all the time never sharing his emotions until they all boiled over. I thought I could fix things. That's always been my role to fix. But you can't fix something when the other person has no interest. When they are already 1 foot out the door. 

Its been 9 months since I moved out and case could be made I'm struggling more now that I was then. But now I'm the one using the word fine, because if I tell people how I really am my whole world falls apart and I start sobbing.  

7 years ago I made a promise to a man and to God that I would honor, and love and cherish and support. And I did all of those things the best I could with someone who never really let me in. And even after I moved out I honored those commitments. I didn't step out I didn't date I made a promise before God and that meant something to me. So I didn't consider dating until my divorce was finalized. A commitment that my ex told me he shared.  He told me several times in our divorce process he had no interest in dating.  And no surprise to anyone but me any more he lied. 

He started dating someone long before we signed divorce papers.  He was so done with me, so not heart broken at all he was ready to move forward. He had his family lie to me when he introduced him to this woman in June. She is the reason I didn't get to see my in laws when they were here. The promise I would never lose them, all talk. 

All I asked of him when we signed divorce papers was tell me before it's public knowledge that you are seeing someone. Well we can say he failed that. 

7 years ago I thought I married a good christian man. I was wrong. I married a man. The man I left didn't know God any more because if he did, he wouldn't have made the choices he did. I'm left working through years of lies. 

Dumplings

 If you were to ask me my favorite food, I would say "Dumplings". I have never found a dumpling I cannot enjoy. Today I tried another one and I'm another happy camper. 

Growing up dumpling meant the squishy bit in a chicken noodle soup and filled pastas. In high school my mom helped me fall in love with sweet cream cheese wontons. In college it became Chinese soup dumplings which are still among my favorites. In graduate school I discovered really fantastic perogies made the right way pan fried goodness with sour cream and a little Indian place above a connivence store that introduced me to Samosas.  The neighborhood I lived in in Minneapolis had a place with great empanadas. In moving to Maple Valley I found a little place that served Pelmeni - Russian (Alaskan) dumplings. And today I tried Momo or Nepalese dumplings for the first time. 

Dumplings have the power to warm me from the inside. They are a comfort food. They bring joy. So after a week with a lot of mental health and physical health challenges. It's nice to just sit down and eat a bowl of dumplings. Comfort in something familiar taking on a new format. 

Illness

If I had to pick one word to describe my year, thus far, it would be illness. 

Since January I have had three episodes of severe vertigo that led to passing out one where I know I hit my head and 2 that I’m unsure. I’ve ended up in the hospital twice for vomiting. I’ve had an increase in migraines, an increase in overall fatigue, and continued struggles with anxiety and depression. 

While some of these things are new, some are not. I’ve spent my whole life living in chronic pain and dealing with chronic illness. I don’t know my life without it and normally talk about disability in terms of being autistic and that I wouldn’t want to cure, Because it’s intrinsically, part of who I am. If someone offered me a cure tomorrow for all of the pain, chronic illnesses, undiagnosed pain. I would accept it in a heartbeat. 

my ex-husband knew about my chronic illnesses when we got married, They have gotten worse over the years, but he’s not here anymore and they’re getting worse and I’m having to manage them all on my own because there’s no one out here thatI feel like I could ask for that, even though people have offered. I’m not very good at accepting help. But more than that when I’m in these really low places, I don’t want others to really see that there’s so few people that I let in. 2 close friends- Who live 1800 and 3000 miles away, respectively. And my parents- mostly my mom. 

August Update

This is the ramblings of the month of August.  I checked in once a week and just added on. This is where I ended up. 

The first week in August had so many highs and lows. 

I had an emergency dental appointment to fix the crown the broke in Moab- thankfully it just needed to be re-attached.  The same day I met with my ex at the courthouse for what could have been an email- except I needed a fan and he thought he needed a tent. 

On the 4th I spent the day at the beach for a birthday and seafair and paid for it dearly with a horrible sunburn that still hurt a week later. - Struggle of being single is 1) not having someone to help with sunscreen and 2) not having someone else to help with Aloe when you forget to reapply sunscreen.  

On the 5th I had to take the car in for repairs for the part that broke in Boise- this was as expensive as I thought it would be and any savings from the trip have now been spent. 

On the 6th I got the email that my divorced had been processed. I had hoped I'd feel better- thought I'd feel better- I didn't I spent the day crying at home. 

On the 7th I spent over 5 hours at Social Security to get my name changed. That evening I tripped in Capitol Hill taking off most of my upper shin in the process on my way INTO dinner. Can't even blame a drink. Seriously at this point I amazed myself. I spent 35 days on the road- hiked over 100 miles on complex trails- no falls - 1st time out in Seattle and I crash land. 

On the 8th I had another planned but expensive dentist appointment- as I am out of Dental Insurance. Did you know the maximum dental coverage has increased around $500 since the 1960's? 

On the 9th I had a date cancel. Would have been my first, first date in almost 9 years. Kind of feeling like I just want to rip off that bandaid. I honored my vows I actively turned down dates for 8 months, no apps until after the divorce was finalized. Not for him but for me, to work on myself to honor the commitment I made. But I need to socialize and figure out what forward looks like, because I feel like I'm standing still. Stuck. 

I made it back to church first time since June and while the sermon was difficult to hear I needed it. Isn’t that the way church should work? Lots of crying today but it was cathartic. Take away: Imperfect, In Progress and Messy. 

 I got on the dating apps. It’s weird people either look young enough to to have sat in my classroom in the past 5 years, or old enough to be my father. The Seattle Tech bro conundrum is a real issue because they all started working from home four years ago and never went back and they don’t understand how to socialize. And this is from the autistic person. I know my worth I know I’m worth showing up on time for. I’m worth a two-way conversation and offering to buy me a drink. And yet I fully understand why all of the smart, beautiful, kind, empathetic women that I know are mostly single.  Because whatever we’re being offered, isn’t worth the trouble. 

I have gone on a few dates this month and it’s all weird. It’s good to get to know someone it’s good to put myself out there. It’s good to be treated with respect.It’s weird to be in this situation. It’s weird to be dating again. It’s weird because Somedays I am 100% over my ex and some days I’m not; Not that I would go back, but when I’m sitting in the hospital- he’s who I wanted to have be there. I wanted him to protect me- keep me safe. I am never going back, but it’s OK to know that moving forward is the right thing and still be hurting. It’s OK to hurt. It means it’s OK for him to move on too. To feel strange about the idea of him dating and wonder if he gives a shit about me dating at all. I don’t get know those things anymore. Not that my ex ever did a good job about sharing his feelings with me; kind of how we ended up here.  But it’s so much to process every day and some days I just don’t want to. 

I finally made it back to the Ocean. After spending most of the summer in the desert, life slowed down at the water. And also, is it really summer? If I don’t get mini donuts? I don’t think so! 

This month was the Democratic national convention thank goodness, a lovely distraction from my reality. An escape from what’s going on inside my head and an opportunity to cry cried a lot this month. They haven’t all been happy tears, but they haven’t been sad tears either. I am so excited to help elect the first black Asian woman president—And I’m pretty damn excited to get a teacher and a Minnesotan in office too.

I distracted myself with 2 baseball games, a trip to the ice rink, a musical and a concert this month.

Ice Skating - first time in over a year

                                   Saw Peter Pan 

I got ready to go back to work. I spent six years this department chair, and four years as a union rep of some kind. This year, I’m not in charge of anything. Yet another change in my life, one that I was planning to make long before my divorce, I was making an attempt to save my marriage but now I don’t have marriage to save. I’m a little nervous about what I’m going to the extra time. Sitting alone with my thoughts isn’t healthy in the quantity I’m currently getting. 

And just when I thought summer was quieting down…

Ended up in the hospital again- similar reason to the trip in Wyoming this time there was blood involved. Horrible pain and a lot of blood. ER was next to useless. Just because my pain looks different because I live in pain so my pain is quiet doesn’t mean it’s not there. Crying exasperates the pain so I don’t. Talking exasperates the pain so I don’t. 

I have a tear in my esophagus the best they could do was tell me no pain meds, here is a better antacid- that you’ll have to pick up tomorrow and schedule your own G.I. Appointment. But you cannot get anyone to talk to you until Monday. If you can help it don't get sick on the weekends.   G.I. clinic told me it would be a 3 month wait for an in person appointment or I could be seen virtually the same day-1 guess at what I chose. Got more medications and am finally able to take a pain med again. On meal replacements and liquid diet for the foreseeable future. No alcohol (not great for back to school week) but I will survive. 

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Our students are suppose to out live us. Loosing kids never gets any easier. It's never any less painful. As we go into the first day of school next week one place will be missing a smile. Missing laughter. Missing someone who should be there.

It has been extremely difficult to be at work and feel like I can be productive. To get what I need to get done done. I just want to sit and be sad, but I don't get to be because 100 other kids are relying on me to be excited for them to be there and ready to make this year the year they don't hate math. 

But if you know me personally or have gotten to this point in this blog you know I have a lot going on emotionally and physically right now, so if you are the type of person that prays. I would really appreciate some prayer. 

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But yeah- there has been a lot to take in and process this month. I can say will full sincerity I'm ready to leave August 2024 behind.