The last 4 months have been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings, but recently I've been stuck in a place where I am feeling super emotionally fragile and vulnerable, but I cannot name my feelings. I cannot identify what I'm stuck in. I can feel it in my body. My muscles are tight even after stretching and my bones crack and creak. I am easy to tire and it's been incredibly difficult just to get out of bed and do anything in a day.
There is a weight I cannot shake, though the pressure to be someone I'm not has left, the person I left behind in the process left a hole I am unsure of how to fill.
Some days I am so proud of how I am doing and others I feel like a burden to those helping me through.
I am an introvert who really doesn't like to be fully alone. I like to be in spaces with people, I value human connection even if no words are being said. Even if we are doing different things. Learning to be fully alone with myself has been a struggle.
All the things my ex did that made my existence easier. Things I had so taken for granted than I now have to unpack how I do it on my own. Silly things like never having to be the one to drive in the city. I now have to think about the number of spoons driving plus and activity will take so I don't run myself ragged.
I'm having to find a new balance where I am the only one to take care of me. This week has been hard.
C
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