March Update

 March. The month I signed and filed my divorce papers. This is the month the house I thought would be my forever home with my husband got put on the market. This was a month filled with pain and masking. Daily telling my students and the world that I was okay, while struggling to do the most basic things some days, like getting out of bed, eating food or showering. 

But in that masking, in that faking it til I make it I did some fun things. I did some things I'm proud of. 

1. I went to 3 jazz concerts by myself. 

2. I went to a new museum 

3. I tried new foods

4. I went on a walking tour and practiced talking to strangers 

5. Made 2 mosaics

6. Did 2 paintings 

7. Explored more Seattle Neighborhoods- and reminded myself why I like living in the suburbs

8. I got a much needed massage

9. Managed an emergency matter on my own. 

10. I attended a live radio show taping and laughed so hard my soul healed a little. 

I can acknowledge that I over did things this month. I was trying so hard to stay busy so I didnt have time to be a lone with my own negative thoughts, that I burnt myself out pretty badly. There was a lot of fun this month, but it came at a cost. So part of my goal moving forward is to budget the fun so that I can really enjoy it and give myself rest so I can do my job well, be a good friend and enjoy the regular days too.  

All that said I have scratched 35 boxes off my 100 "Date" ideas bucket list since starting in January. 

Signing off for now

C

Connection

 I cannot imagine my life without my ex. Not in an intimate way, but as my friend. Frankly we're probably better that way. Probably always were, but we were in our late 20's and ready to settle down, ready to check the boxes for what should come next. I obviously wont speak for him, but for me, he's the person I want to share my good day with. Maybe that will fade with time, distance, life changes, but right now I cannot imagine my life without him as a part of it. What part that takes moving forward; I'm sure will change dozens of times. Right now we are trying to figure ourselves out as individuals again, when my introduction use to start with Wife and it doesn't any more. 

Eggs and Baskets

 My mother taught me to not put all of my eggs into 1 basket. Except that's exactly what you do, when you get married. All of your eggs go into a basket called "Love and Marriage" and you are left trying to figure out what that means for you and your spouse.  

But what if it's not forever.  What if it's lust and like each other instead of love and marriage? 

I am there. This is where I am, Lust and like each other well enough. But it's not enough because it's never enough and here we end up lonely and alone.

So consider try number 2. What do I do? Try again with this whole love and marriage attempt? Do I attempt trials without commitments? Do I puts some eggs in 1 basket leaving room for others? or do I risk it? Do I try again with everything in my heart knowing how badly it will hurt again, because the joy was worth the pain, because having beautiful love is worth the cost?  Putting the proverbial "Ball" in someone else's court, knowing they have the control or power to decide if it's a win or a flop is endlessly scary and overwhelming. Giving up control to another individual not knowing which way it's going to go. So again I ask, do I put all of my eggs in one basket? 

Tonight my slightly intoxicated self, sits alone asking a simple question about eggs and baskets, not knowing what the correct answer is. I'm simply doing my best, with what I have today.

Signing off for now

C

Checking in

 The last 4 months have been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings, but recently I've been stuck in a place where I am feeling super emotionally fragile and vulnerable, but I cannot name my feelings. I cannot identify what I'm stuck in. I can feel it in my body. My muscles are tight even after stretching and my bones crack and creak. I am easy to tire and it's been incredibly difficult just to get out of bed and do anything in a day. 

There is a weight I cannot shake, though the pressure to be someone I'm not has left, the person I left behind in the process left a hole I am unsure of how to fill. 

Some days I am so proud of how I am doing and others I feel like a burden to those helping me through. 

I am an introvert who really doesn't like to be fully alone. I like to be in spaces with people, I value human connection even if no words are being said. Even if we are doing different things. Learning to be fully alone with myself has been a struggle. 

All the things my ex did that made my existence easier. Things I had so taken for granted than I now have to unpack how I do it on my own. Silly things like never having to be the one to drive in the city. I now have to think about the number of spoons driving plus and activity will take so I don't run myself ragged. 

I'm having to find a new balance where I am the only one to take care of me. This week has been hard. 

C

Setting myself up for success

 When I am alone in my own home, I'm alone with my thoughts, that are non-stop and not always nice to me. So in getting divorced. I am doing my best to balance a social calendar- that means doing some activities alone but in spaces with people; (Concerts, taking myself to a movie, painting class) and scheduling things intentionally with people; (Art Events, trying new restaurants, game nights), while still making time for quiet downtime with just myself, because I do need that too- just not too much of it. 

This month I'm scheduled for the follow things (Knowing that I will never do everything even if it's scheduled, but it's nice to have a plan)

1x Museum Visit

1x Paint Night

1x Brunch 

1x Walking tour

1x Massage

1x Haircut

3x Concerts

9 Scheduled commitments this month. I'm sure there will be a few happy hours in there too. To some this probably seems like nothing, to others it may feel like too much. I'm trying to figure out what my balance looks like and feels like. 

C

He Made Me Laugh

 I saw my ex today. We had some things to talk about. And I'd been so worried for so many days, causing extreme and debilitating anxiety but it wasn't bad at all. We laughed, I smiled. I remembered why I fell in love with this man. Why I married this man. But he also looked lighter and happy. I haven't seen him look like that, like he didn't have the weight of the world on his shoulders in long time. So while right now I'm hurting, I also know that we are doing the right thing to end our marriage. 

Our marriage ending does not mean our entire relationship was a failure. It just means it wasn't meant for forever. And if he gets to be the light and happy version of himself and be the version that makes me laugh, the one I fell in love with then we are making the right choice. 

C