Falling Out of Love

 Falling out of love. A part of life no one ever focuses on, because from the outside it's sad; but its not always all bad. There is a lot of self- discovery too.   

7 years ago I picked my wedding venue. I was so excited to be marrying my person. I don't regret my marriage. I'm sad it didn't work, but I don't regret the joy, support or adventures we had. 

When it was clear my marriage was struggling, At first I thought I could FIX IT but that was short lived once I realized I couldn't fix me because I'm not broken. Though it's taken me awhile to come to that conclusion, and I still have moments that I don't believe it. Sometimes marriage fails, sometimes people fall out of love. 

Even though I watched my own parents marriage fall apart, the idea that you could one day realize the person who you committed your life to wasn't someone who you could love any more wasn't something I could wrap my mind around. Even now I know it’s not instantaneous it’s a process that happens overtime little by little, pieces chip away at your ideas of someone else until there’s not any love left anymore. So I did what any previously traumatized person would do, I built walls, hid myself in a tower, pulled back from people, from my support system. I didn't talk to almost anyone. The only person I wanted comfort from was the person who couldn't give me what I wanted. 

Every time something was said, or eyes of pity crossed my path or an inaction was taken or not, it's like cannon balls hitting the facade of my tower, causing cracks and breakdowns, and tears. I have cried more in the last 2 months than I have cried in my entire 35 years of existence. I have felt deeper pain than I knew was possible, spending several days where it was all I could do to get out of bed. I truly wanted to disappear. 

He's respectful in a stand offish way. I'm sure he has his own walls up. It's sort of like passing ships in the night; doing our best not to crash. To not hurt each other more than has already been done. 

I wasn't a missing piece and he's not a big O. Neither of us are broken, we can be whole on our own, we just wont roll together anymore.  

C