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Monday, January 29, 2024

Faith

I married a good christian man, so I could have someone to go to church with and build community with because I saw that missing in my parents marriage. It's something I thought I wanted. But organized religion can be so divisive. There is a reason there are so many denominations under the umbrella of Christianity. 

We spent our dating years and first 3 years of a marriage attending church together. Then in 2020 an election year it became clear to me that my beliefs and opinions weren't welcome at the church we went to together. I really struggled and didn't attend church at all for about a year. Looking back it would have been really nice if we could have found a church we both liked when I felt like I needed to leave, but at the time I didn't want to take him away from his community, even if it wasn't mine.  In fall of 21 I started to attend a new church and quickly became involved. This was community to me, this fit my idea of faith and religion. But it was never going to fit his. So while he supported me and we spent Christmas there with his family, it was never going to be our church home. Then we moved out to the sticks, and the drives into our respective churches became too far. So I worked really hard and did a lot of research to find a church I thought would fit us both, so I could re-ignite my hopes. But we connect in different ways. His in is small groups, but unplanned stranger interactions without a common goal are intimidating for me. So I like to connect through volunteering. We went to the same church, but while I was building community, we were not.  I really liked the people I volunteered with, I liked the pastor and the multi-generational congregation. I will really miss them. But it's also important for me to geographically be in a similar community as my church not just in community relationally. 

So now as it's just me, I am going back to the church I have felt most at home with since being in Washington. Yesterday was my first day back and my pastor greeted me by saying "welcome home" which is so much what I needed. For what I felt in my heart to be true for an aspect of myself. 

I have a lot of healing to do; a lot of self-care and reflection. I need to heal from the hurt of a marriage ending and work to identify my own failures- I am human and there are many. 

I married a good christian man- a title that still very much fits him. It just didn't prevent issues the way I had hoped it would. 

Edit- that title is a lie. I married a man. A man with flaws. A man who struggled to show emotions. A man who gave up. But I took down this blog because he said things were personal. But I don't give a shit about his feelings any more


C

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