When you have no spoons

Spoon Theory is a way neurodivergent people can explain the energy drain of tasks. At the end of every day you need at least 1 spoon to be able to sleep because yes being able to fall asleep takes a spoon. 

As an Autistic person I have less spoons each day than a neurotypical person. In separating and moving out and the emotional roller coaster that my life has been not only do I have fewer spoons than normal, but it takes more to do basic tasks.  

For me the thing that most quickly falls by the wayside when I am low on spoons is self care. I'm not talking pampering myself or putting on make up. I mean the daily tasks that are so innate to most people, like showering, brushing your hair, remembering to eat food, and drinking water. Basic tasks that become so overwhelmingly hard they often don't happen. 

I often don't talk about this part of my Autistic experience because frankly it's embarrassing for me. I'm 35 and I can forgot for days to eat. I am 35 and I know that brushing my hair is normally a beast so after not doing it, it keeps getting put off, until I end up using half a bottle of leave in conditioner to detangle a dreadlock that formed because I couldn't take care of myself. I'm 35 and I have reminders on my phone so I brush my teeth twice a day, because otherwise when I'm in a dark place like I am now, it wont happen.  

I am adding things to my routine that make some of the self-caring easier. I'm getting my nails done every 2 weeks. I am a horrible nail biter and getting them painted stops that habit and letting someone else do my nails seems to provide a spoon or 2 in positive energy afterwards. I am getting my hair cut to a length I know will be more manageable for me. I love my long hair, he loved my long hair, but I'm not in a place where I can take care of it, so I need to meet myself where I am. 

For keeping up with my home I am running the dishwasher every 2 days, even if it's only half full, so that I build the habit and don't stop. I am making sure I have food that can be consumed without a bowl or a dish or the oven so that I always can eat when I have no spoons to even make a choice. And I have LMNT powder so that if I'm getting less water or liquid intake I'm getting the most out of it. 

I struggled to manage my spoons and some of the consequences of an unbalanced life before my separation. I am definitely struggling now, but I think it's important to share this because I know I'm not the only person that has lived this and frankly because keeping it all inside takes more spoons then I have left.  To my friends and family asking if I need anything. Texts checking in, hugs in person, simply saying hello and reminding me I have a community of support is what I need from others.

C