Happy Birthday

And maybe another year wiser?

I certainly put up with less shit now than I did a year ago, certainly than I did in my 20s, but I also have work to do.

Every year I get older I am learning to love myself more. Women are a fickle bunch that way.

Little girls are so confident.  They are scary actually.  They know exactly what they want, they don't care what others have told them about what they can and cannot do, they have goals and they are going to achieve them.

Then something happens, sometime between the age of 9 and 12 girls start to care what all those other voices are saying and for the next decade our lives revolve around other people's feelings of us. My teens were hard enough for me, but I am so thankful that I grew up before facebook was everywhere, before smartphones. There is a significant drop in girls who feel they are good at math and science at around this age.  The start of mental health problems, anxiety, depression and eating disorders creep in.  Instead of building each other up, girls are tearing each other apart.

College, where vices fill the voids left by the pain of broken hearts and lack of confidence.

First "real" job, trying so hard to keep it I loose myself.  Working 80 hours a week, only getting paid for 40. Not complaining when my safety is at risk. Putting up with more than any sane person would. Keeping quiet to keep my job.

Over the years I've become more confident to ask for what I need. To ask for help. To take care of myself. To keep myself safe. To put myself first.

I've given up too many years to what other people think of me.  To the version of me other people thought I should be.  To trying to fit into someone else's ideal box.

This year I want to re-claim the confidence of myself as a child. To have the confidence that I can do anything I set my mind to. To not be afraid of what others are saying about my goals. But just go for it.

So Happy Birthday to me. To another year round the sun. To more highs and lows. To more of living and enjoy life.