Burden

I think I've always had a few of being a burden.  It's why I spent my 20s so outspoken and so difficult to connect with for most people.  If I didn't have that deep relationship with someone I cannot become a burden to them when I am sick. Which is most of the time.

Right now I would call myself actually sick.  For me actually sick is sick beyond what I live with daily, beyond the chronic. This is sick that stopped me in my tracks, built a wall and has been a pain the ass for the last several days. You see I lost my voice- I talk for a living so it's sort of a problem. I couldn't even squeak for several days. Some breathing problems and lack of ability to fall/stay asleep has made for a rough week for myself and my husband.

But even when I am normal sick, just the sick of my nearly everyday lived experience be it "just pain". [Don't really know why I say "just" it hurts like hell most days.  I am stiff and sore and unable to move the way I want or do the things I want because of repeated injuries to my body.] Or I could have a migraine or stomach problems. I always feel like I am ruining someone else's experience, life or chance at fun.

This feeling that I have negatively impacts me and my relationships.  I struggle to ask for help when I need it. I struggle to take time for me when I need it [ until of course I walk into a wall that says take a break now]. I feel that I am letting people down when I am not at work, or doing my typical role around the house. When I am unable to communicate or stuck in bed for a prolonged duration.

So every time this year that I find myself feeling like a burden I want to check myself. If someone is willing to help me when I am sick it's because they care for me. I should trust my relationships both personal and professional enough to know that when they need help they will ask for it too.  I need to work on being willing to ask for and receive help without feeling bad about myself.

Because I am not a burden.