I want

 I want to not be sad.

But most mornings I wake up sad. Many nights I go to be sad.  I try to keep my days distracted. But it doesn't mean the sadness goes away. It's simply muted for awhile. 

I had an idealistic thought that 6 months on it wouldn't still feel like such a fresh sting. I know how painful divorce is. I watched my parents go through it. But I hoped I would be different. But it's not.  The "Small" things feel like pin pricks that never heal. The "big" things feel like an elephant on my chest. 

I changed my status to separated this week. Because looking at "married to" was too triggering, but publicly sharing that I'm not is it's own pain. It's it's own realization. It's its own dragon to slay. 

I want to not cry so often. Literally anything can trigger tears. Everything can remind me of him, or of our years together. Doesn't seems to matter if it's good or not so good memories, it all leads to crying. 

I want to not be sad. I want to not be held hostage by my emotions. I want to not be sad.