Lonely

 I've spent a lot of time lonely. 

Lonely in relationships and lonely single. 

I spent years as a kid and young adult lonely not understanding how to make or keep friends. Honestly a lot of days recently I've felt like fraud. I literally teach a class on social skills, and it continues to be something I struggle with on a very deep level. 

I spent much of my marriage lonely. In a home with someone but lonely. Which means honestly I'm sure he was too. We couldn't figure out how to connect in a way that worked for the other person. Honestly probably never should have gotten married, we didn't really know each other, didn't know what we would be like together all the time, didn't know how we would handle really hard times, and as a result I was lonely a lot. 

I left my marriage over 2 years ago. I spent the first 8 months "dating myself" trying desperately to not be alone, because I couldn't handle being in quiet spaces by myself, so I was out in places with people to try to stop the sadness. 

When I started dating, it was nice to not be alone in spaces any more. I met a great person, who I still call a friend, who introduced me to his incredible group of friends, all of whom I am so grateful to have in my life in one shape or form. Even if I'm continuing to struggle on maintaining friendships. I wasn't lonely with him and still in our time together as friends fall comfortably into banter, meaningful conversation and an ease that I find I have with very few people.  

But I'm single again and for the first time in 2 years really sitting with that loneliness. Really feeling the sense of fraud in that I someone who is lonely a lot of the time, who struggles with maintaining and building friendships could somehow teach children those skills that I struggle with daily. 

There are times that being alone is good, and there are times that it's an emotional drain. Tonight is one of those nights that I am sitting with the sadness of not being where I want to be in life. Not having the connections I had hoped for and not being sure how to remedy that in a way that is sustainable for me.