January Check in

 This month was full of changes. While incredibly painful, I am surviving.  I left my home and am starting over.  But there are plenty of blog posts focused on my separation for this one I want to quickly list of the things I'm really proud of this month. 

1. Over 30 days of learning Norwegian on Duo Lingo 
2. I started going to dance classes again 
3. I am working out more- If you need a trainer please consider my friend and coach Natalie @ Training Joyfully
4. I have had friends over to my apartment 
5. Celebrated my birthday in style
6. I have over 30 pieces of art hung in my home. 
7. I have done 10 things from my 100 buck list activities list 
8. I made a meal that didn't come out of a box. 
9. Got a hair cut that I really like
10. Got the record player set up and have enjoyed music after work.

Edit

11. I am on my own cellphone plan for the first time in my life. It was a bit of a headache to figure out, but I did it. 

C

Foreign Currency

I haven't finished moving all my stuff out of the house or unpacking all of the boxes in the apartment. Some boxes are simple like shoes (shoe rack in transit) or kitchen gadgets.  Other boxes have memories deeply tied to them, our wedding photos, sentimental wedding presents, pieces of our adventures.  Last night as I was going through a mostly mundane bag of things, I stumbled onto something that brought up positive memories of travel and adventure.  You know the song in Aladdin - "A Whole New World"?  The Line I can show you the world, shining shimmering, splendid- that's what my husband did. He showed me so many places I would never have thought to go on my own, he opened up the idea of big travel to me. We were really good at taking on adventures together. It was nice to be reminded of that.  

When I've traveled internationally, I never manage to use all the currency I had exchanged, usually small coins are left over and saved if I ever go back.  So it make sense that I would have 61cents Canadian, 4.40 Rand, 5.64 Euro, 97 Pence and 1200 Costa Rican Colones, all told an equivalent of $10.37 USD. But what I cannot figure out is how I ended up with 6 Lempiras from Honduras or 10 Bulgarian Lev. I've never been to either of those places and cannot remember how I ended up with this currency. But they will be saved a long with my other random coins should I go or go back. 

As someone who has spent all but 6 months of my life living in a northern boarder state, the Canadian is a normal part of existing. 

The Colones are from the trip I took with my mom when she and my dad were getting divorced. - Mom maybe we should go again. Travel issues aside that trip was amazing. Waking up to the beach every day, fresh fruit, tacos, zip lining and attempting to learn to surf. I have so many good memories from that trip. 

The Rand is from the first BIG trip he and I took together.  He had brought me out to meet his parents just a few months after we met and we took a weekend get a way to the mountains, but this was international. I joked with people I was shocked he wanted to keep dating me after I got pulled over for speeding in South Africa and cried my way out of being bribed by crocked cops. The trip was interesting we learned a lot about each other and I learned a lot about planning international travel. I'd only ever planned the Costa Rican trip with my mom before this was all new. I'd like to believe I've made a lot of progress since that first trip. I would absolutely go back to South Africa again. 

The Euros could be from a few different trips, either when we got engaged in Germany or when we were in Brussels and Paris. By guess would be Germany as I spent the most with coins in the Christmas Markets. I could go to Christmas Markets in Europe every Christmas and be completely content. I know I want to go back to Germany at Christmas eventually. Redefine my memories and narrative with that experience. Brussels I would pick up everything and move to if someone offered it, maybe thats because on that trip I can only compare it to Paris and I really didn't like Paris. That is one place I have no desire to go back to. 

Pence- the trip to London. I got to see Hamilton in London and that was a treat that I will never forget. I really enjoyed the War Museums. As someone who is fascinated by WW2 history there was a lot to see an do in London.  I'd like to explore and visit other parts of England and would certainly go back. 

As for the Lev and the Lempiras, I've never been to either country, but maybe this is a seed to plant for future adventures. 

1 more box unpacked. 1 small step towards creating my new adventure.

C

Faith

I married a good christian man, so I could have someone to go to church with and build community with because I saw that missing in my parents marriage. It's something I thought I wanted. But organized religion can be so divisive. There is a reason there are so many denominations under the umbrella of Christianity. 

We spent our dating years and first 3 years of a marriage attending church together. Then in 2020 an election year it became clear to me that my beliefs and opinions weren't welcome at the church we went to together. I really struggled and didn't attend church at all for about a year. Looking back it would have been really nice if we could have found a church we both liked when I felt like I needed to leave, but at the time I didn't want to take him away from his community, even if it wasn't mine.  In fall of 21 I started to attend a new church and quickly became involved. This was community to me, this fit my idea of faith and religion. But it was never going to fit his. So while he supported me and we spent Christmas there with his family, it was never going to be our church home. Then we moved out to the sticks, and the drives into our respective churches became too far. So I worked really hard and did a lot of research to find a church I thought would fit us both, so I could re-ignite my hopes. But we connect in different ways. His in is small groups, but unplanned stranger interactions without a common goal are intimidating for me. So I like to connect through volunteering. We went to the same church, but while I was building community, we were not.  I really liked the people I volunteered with, I liked the pastor and the multi-generational congregation. I will really miss them. But it's also important for me to geographically be in a similar community as my church not just in community relationally. 

So now as it's just me, I am going back to the church I have felt most at home with since being in Washington. Yesterday was my first day back and my pastor greeted me by saying "welcome home" which is so much what I needed. For what I felt in my heart to be true for an aspect of myself. 

I have a lot of healing to do; a lot of self-care and reflection. I need to heal from the hurt of a marriage ending and work to identify my own failures- I am human and there are many. 

I married a good christian man- a title that still very much fits him. It just didn't prevent issues the way I had hoped it would. 

Edit- that title is a lie. I married a man. A man with flaws. A man who struggled to show emotions. A man who gave up. But I took down this blog because he said things were personal. But I don't give a shit about his feelings any more

C

Yellow Roses

Today on the way home from church I drove past a woman selling roses at the side of the highway and I bought a yellow one. I love yellow roses; as they signify friendship and joy. I have been so thankful the past few months for my friends. While romantic red rose love can fade, the types of friendships I have with people are enduring. These are the type of people I can reach out to at midnight in the midst of a panic attack or at 6:30 in the morning when I'm struggling to get out of bed. The people who keep a steady stream of memes and videos in my social media so I don't think about my reality too much.  To the people who are unapologetically on my side.  They are helping to fill a dark season with light, laughter and joy. 

They are all my yellow roses and I am so grateful for all of them. 

C

 

When you have no spoons

Spoon Theory is a way neurodivergent people can explain the energy drain of tasks. At the end of every day you need at least 1 spoon to be able to sleep because yes being able to fall asleep takes a spoon. 

As an Autistic person I have less spoons each day than a neurotypical person. In separating and moving out and the emotional roller coaster that my life has been not only do I have fewer spoons than normal, but it takes more to do basic tasks.  

For me the thing that most quickly falls by the wayside when I am low on spoons is self care. I'm not talking pampering myself or putting on make up. I mean the daily tasks that are so innate to most people, like showering, brushing your hair, remembering to eat food, and drinking water. Basic tasks that become so overwhelmingly hard they often don't happen. 

I often don't talk about this part of my Autistic experience because frankly it's embarrassing for me. I'm 35 and I can forgot for days to eat. I am 35 and I know that brushing my hair is normally a beast so after not doing it, it keeps getting put off, until I end up using half a bottle of leave in conditioner to detangle a dreadlock that formed because I couldn't take care of myself. I'm 35 and I have reminders on my phone so I brush my teeth twice a day, because otherwise when I'm in a dark place like I am now, it wont happen.  

I am adding things to my routine that make some of the self-caring easier. I'm getting my nails done every 2 weeks. I am a horrible nail biter and getting them painted stops that habit and letting someone else do my nails seems to provide a spoon or 2 in positive energy afterwards. I am getting my hair cut to a length I know will be more manageable for me. I love my long hair, he loved my long hair, but I'm not in a place where I can take care of it, so I need to meet myself where I am. 

For keeping up with my home I am running the dishwasher every 2 days, even if it's only half full, so that I build the habit and don't stop. I am making sure I have food that can be consumed without a bowl or a dish or the oven so that I always can eat when I have no spoons to even make a choice. And I have LMNT powder so that if I'm getting less water or liquid intake I'm getting the most out of it. 

I struggled to manage my spoons and some of the consequences of an unbalanced life before my separation. I am definitely struggling now, but I think it's important to share this because I know I'm not the only person that has lived this and frankly because keeping it all inside takes more spoons then I have left.  To my friends and family asking if I need anything. Texts checking in, hugs in person, simply saying hello and reminding me I have a community of support is what I need from others.

C

Falling Out of Love

 Falling out of love. A part of life no one ever focuses on, because from the outside it's sad; but its not always all bad. There is a lot of self- discovery too.   

7 years ago I picked my wedding venue. I was so excited to be marrying my person. I don't regret my marriage. I'm sad it didn't work, but I don't regret the joy, support or adventures we had. 

When it was clear my marriage was struggling, At first I thought I could FIX IT but that was short lived once I realized I couldn't fix me because I'm not broken. Though it's taken me awhile to come to that conclusion, and I still have moments that I don't believe it. Sometimes marriage fails, sometimes people fall out of love. 

Even though I watched my own parents marriage fall apart, the idea that you could one day realize the person who you committed your life to wasn't someone who you could love any more wasn't something I could wrap my mind around. Even now I know it’s not instantaneous it’s a process that happens overtime little by little, pieces chip away at your ideas of someone else until there’s not any love left anymore. So I did what any previously traumatized person would do, I built walls, hid myself in a tower, pulled back from people, from my support system. I didn't talk to almost anyone. The only person I wanted comfort from was the person who couldn't give me what I wanted. 

Every time something was said, or eyes of pity crossed my path or an inaction was taken or not, it's like cannon balls hitting the facade of my tower, causing cracks and breakdowns, and tears. I have cried more in the last 2 months than I have cried in my entire 35 years of existence. I have felt deeper pain than I knew was possible, spending several days where it was all I could do to get out of bed. I truly wanted to disappear. 

He's respectful in a stand offish way. I'm sure he has his own walls up. It's sort of like passing ships in the night; doing our best not to crash. To not hurt each other more than has already been done. 

I wasn't a missing piece and he's not a big O. Neither of us are broken, we can be whole on our own, we just wont roll together anymore.  

C

The ongoing struggle

 I am Autistic. 

One of my greatest struggles is this:

I CRAVE human connection, but struggle to be in spaces with people. 

The reality is that even though I want to be in community I am often very lonely. 

The living rooM

 

The television lives in the living room.

If you don’t watch sports, you don’t belong there.

I was easily relegated elsewhere.

I’m reclaiming my space.

I have my throne.

This is my home.

Quick Sand

 2 months ago something really felt off. If you've been where I am maybe you know the feeling, if not, the best I can describe is knowing you are in quick sand, but not knowing how long you've been sinking, and having no idea how to fight your way out. 

1 month ago I made a choice to try to find a way back to solid ground. 

2 weeks ago I took the first steps towards doing that

11 days ago I moved into my new home. 

I don't feel like I'm out of the quick sand yet. But I don't feel like I'm sinking any more. 

Happy Birthday to me

 I had a whole different post made for today about what it's been like to be me for the last 2 months, but that post is holding on to a lot of pain. The pain is valid and the hurt is real and they didn't magically go away, but I am choosing to not make them the center of my birthday. 

I did not think I'd be starting over at 35. But here I am. I have a new apartment and I am getting my space to feel like mine. Gone are the days of minimalism I am in my maximalist era. 

I am surrounding myself with people and things that bring me joy. I am setting goals for myself and asking that people hold me accountable even when it's hard. I am learning to sit alone with myself in a quiet and have that be good enough. 

This is not the year for perfection. This is the year for finding myself again. Happy Birthday to me!

When quiet is too quiet

 I was by far the more talkative partner in my marriage. But even when the answers are short there is still someone to ask them of. 

I've been in my new place for nearly a week and it's very quiet. I have friends I text with, music I listen to  and shows to watch, but it's a different level of quiet. I spend a lot of times alone with my thoughts which isn't always a good things in this season of life. 

I am an introvert. I like my down time. But I've had someone else there all the time for the last 3 years (he traveled for work before that) and this is a very sharp change for someone who doesn't do change well. 

Thats it for the thoughts of today- its just too quiet

New Years Resolutions

Everyone tells me I'm so strong and I'll make it through everything for the better. But I don't want to have to be strong. I want to be comforted and cared for and taken care of. I got married to have a partner in life and somewhere that went wrong and now I have to go back to being strong independent me when all I want to do is not be. 

So my goals for this year are pretty simple. 

1. Engage in my duo lingo app every day. I'm currently working on Norwegian. I'd love to go to Norway and see where my family comes from someday. 

2. Listen to 20 books this year. By this time last year I'd listened to 2-3 books. I haven't listened to a book at all since early December. I haven't had the brain power for it, so rather than the 75 I did last year, I set a goal of 20. 

3. Work out 2 days a week. I'm sure my trainer and best friend would like to see that number be higher, but I'm aiming for attainable and consistency. 

4. Enjoy my summer road trip.

5. Learn to be okay with being alone. 

There are also things I'd like to do, but if I don't thats okay too.

1. I got J a 100 date ideas for couples a few years ago. It got tucked behind a couch and then put in my office so never used-(Hello Red flag) but I have 100 ideas for fun activities that I want to do as an individual. 

2. Find a side hustle a way to earn some fun money to aid in the road trip this summer. 

3. Have people over for games at least 2x a month.

So there you go, a plan to survive 2024. If you'd asked me in Sept I would have said I was exited for 2024 to be a year to thrive. That's not my goal any more. My goal is to process and grieve and start over and survive. 

Signing off for now

C

Stages of grief

Denial

Anger

Bargaining 

Depression

Acceptance

The 5 stages of grief. They are not linear. In fact I believe you can in different ways experience all of them simultaneously. One day you can feel numb and in other moments the feelings are insurmountable.