Regenerating

 I will never have eye cells that did not see you

I will never have brain cells that did not know you

But the skin that you last touched is long gone

The cells in my liver have long forgotten our last drink together

Eventually the muscles that held on to the stress and pain that you caused will have no memory of that. 

Eventually the bones in my legs that helped me walk away will be entire made of cells from after I left.

I will never be able to forget our relationship or our marriage, but in time the knowing and feelings will fade and I will regenerate. I will make new memories. I will let go of the old and surround myself with the new. 

Today goodwill got the bedding we slept under for years and the pillows and duvet. They got the dress I wore for our wedding rehearsal. 

Every photo, every memory that comes up brings up emotions and pain that are difficult to process and painful every time they are revisited. 

I am not the same person that married him. I am not the same person that divorced him. I am regrowing myself. And I'm not entirely sure who I'll be when I'm done.  Finding new me has been painful and stressful and anxiety producing. But it's also been freeing and healing and life giving. 

My eyes will never forget 

My brain will always have memories

but I get to move forward

I get to renew