A year

 I've been divorced a year today.

The word divorce is still so painful. It is not the life I wanted for myself, but neither was the last year of my marriage. I keep telling myself I know its the right thing for me to not be married to my ex any more. I know I get to be happier without him. I know that I get to feel freer without him. I know I get to learn in new ways without him. But I also know that getting divorced has changed the way I approach relationships. It has made me much more cautious. It has made me unsure of myself of my ability to tell if things are good or if I'm just so afraid of being back in a place of hurt that I let them go. I don't fully trust myself or my judgement, so I'm always in a position of second guessing my choices, both to not get hurt (which yes I know is a part of life) but also to no be so caught up in worry that I limit myself on joy. 

I don't want to limit myself in my new relationship because of the pain my marriage caused me, but I also don't want to end up like many of the statistics as a multiple divorcee. So I tread this very strange line of caution and openness. Of putting myself out there and protecting myself. 

Today my heart hurts because I lost something that maybe only lived in my mind. I hurt because explanation for how I ended up here, isn't something I'm ever going to have. Because there is no closure for this. I hurt for the baggage I carry with me now that I didn't have before. 

I use to think I had to be fully healed to move on and prove I was OK. 

Not sure who I'm supposed to be proving that to. I've learned its okay to not be OK, even though its still hard to feel it. I've learned healing isn't linear, that there are days I don't think about the divorce, or what I've lost or anything about that chapter, and then, there are days like today, that getting out of bed feels nearly impossible. 

I've been divorced 1 year. I hope by another year I have more good days than hard ones, that I let go and work through more of the baggage I've picked up and that I judge myself less on the days like today that are hard. 

Signing off for now

C