Running on E

 I feel like I've been running on E since October. When it first started to feel like something was wrong. Like he was pulling away.  When it was like pulling teeth to go out on Halloween- the anniversary of our first date- something we have done every year felt strange. 

November when a birthday weekend away wasn't what he wanted or good enough or maybe it was me that wasn't good enough. 

November 29th the day my world fell apart; and the following weeks thinking I could some how fix a broken marriage on me own- when it takes 2 to fall apart and 2 to put it back together. 

Christmas and my delusion that I could handle being with his family for the holidays when he clearly didn't want me there - wish he had just said he didn't want me there instead of making me feel like a burden or bother the whole trip. 

Finding a new place to live and moving out in a matter of weeks. Celebrating my 35th birthday with friends in my new home, but certainly not how I anticipated this year of my life starting off. Trying to pick up pieces as they continue to shatter

February watching him go off on a trip that was supposed to be our adventure - spending time at home with people whose love is not conditional, who propped me up. But returning to Seattle and feeling weaker than when I left. 

March a long month- just pushing through-not taking enough breaks- not being good to myself- because sitting with my own thoughts is just scary.

April- House officially sold. This was it's own headache- glad that's over. Don't know if I ever need to own a home again-not that it's even remotely feasible in the market I live in- at least not alone.  So Much stress in this process my mental health took a serious toll. I went to NY to see family and just like the trip back to MN while I felt bolstered up when I was there, it all came crashing down when I got home. Just doing my best to keep my head above water. If I told you I was fine in April I was lying. 

May- Took the last set of steps before signing papers to separate our lives. I got hit with a ton of bricks in terms of medical, dental and car related bills and my beyond grateful I have the family I do because they stepped in to help and I am so grateful to not feel like an elephant is on my chest every day.  I'm struggling at work, struggling with relationships that have sustained me and being good to myself at the same time. 

For the last 8 months I have felt like I'm always running out of gas but knowing I have to just keep going, because I'm all I've got. On the bad days I just come home to me- A glass of wine my couch and the record player. 

I am so hopeful that my vacation this summer is long enough to really recharge my battery to help me find myself and to get off the waitlist for a therapist I can see next fall.  

It took 2 of us to break our marriage but I'm only responsible for myself now and I need to take care of me. I'm still figuring out how I do that.