I didn’t have the language, rejection sensitive dysphoria when I was younger, but it is absolutely something I have struggled with my entire life.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is an intense emotional response to true or perceived failure isolation or rejection.
Throughout my life, I have had seasons where the dysphoria has hindered my ability to function and seasons that I have been in better places Right now I’m really struggling. And the trigger was the failure of my marriage. While my husband felt like our marriage had been falling apart for years, for me, my marriage fell apart over a course of three weeks this past winter and I haven’t been able to get out of the loop of severe rejection sensitivity since.
I am very much aware that much of my dysphoria is a result of my perceptions rather than reality, but as a result of being Autistic I often cannot differentiate between the two, leaving me feeling crazy trying to determine reality often not ending up any better off than I was before.
It impacts my job- it's why I leave my classroom door open, because I don't want people to feel like they are unwelcome in my space. When I walk past a room with a closed door but hear my name I feel like I'm being discussed negatively. When I say hello in the morning but hello isn't said back to go to spaces of feeling like I must have done something wrong, leading me to dark spaces. I find myself masking at work at lot more these days, crafting my personality to meet the needs of others rather than myself, leading to burn out which just makes the dysphoria worse.
I am left lonely many days, coming home to an empty house, exhausted but craving connection. Budgeting my energy so I can enjoy the people who do want to be in my life while feeling drained by people who don't.
When you look at a person you don't know what's going on behind the scenes. Show grace to people and be kind.
C
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