April Update

 I came into this month seeking a better balance. In January I moved out of my home I shared with my husband, entering a new chapter of starting my own life and entering a phase of separation. In February I went home and spent time with family, and booked activities to try to not spend so much time in my own end. In March I booked too many activities and while they all could have been fun individually, when I had too many of them back to back, I burnt myself out and actually ended up fainting, hitting my head and being forced to take time to do nothing. I am struggling with organization in my house- too many things not enough space sort of issues, but I'm working on them. I have a bag ready for charity and am filling another. 

I spent April break in Rochester NY with family. It was good but also when you have different meals with different people each night, I had to re-share things several times and that's it's own level of draining. Definitely had 2 full days of rest before returning to work. 

When I first told people I was ending my marriage, they wanted to be around to support, but that was short lived for most. Now I have a smaller number of people who check in weekly and a much smaller group who make up my daily support team. People that are up for weekly activities and listening when I need to vent. I am learning I need to increase the number of people I call on to be social with, as my social needs are changing.

Here are some of the things I did in April:

1. Went to the Moisture Festival - Link will take you to a movie that was about the festival. It's a variety show that's been going on in Seattle for 20 years and it was certainly weird, which makes sense because it was started in the center of the universe (Fremont). 

2. Visited Family in New York for spring break and did a lot: 

•     Watched the Solar Eclipse- It mostly was just light to really dark and eerie and back again.  
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  Visited record shops- Both Record Archive and my fave House of Guitars and picked up 2 new to me records. 
•     Visited a Botanical Garden - Because they had almost no winter they are experiencing an early spring so the whole of Highland Park smelled like Magnolias and it was beautiful. Also minivan the tortoise is worth the visit to the conservatory. 
•    Got wonderful Kombucha at Katboocha 
• Highly recommend the Jasmine Pearl & the Root beer 
•    Got the required white hot and beer at Genesee Brew House

•    Visited The Chai Guy for a tasty cup of Masala Chai. 

3. We sold our home. The home I thought I would never move out of. A place I had made dreams of how I would make it my own is no longer mine. I love where I live now, it is very much me, but it is also very lonely. 

4. I enjoyed Seattle Restaurant Week both by myself and with others.    

• From Mioposto I enjoyed a glass of wine, burrata, beet salad, zucca balsamica pizza (with caramelized onions and butternut squash), and tiramisu for dessert. Edit- Over a week later and I cannot stop thinking about this burrata.

•    From Republic of Cider went out with a friend and colleague after a 13 hour day the day before- we always run into teachers when we go drinking. Good flight and pairing with cheese and chocolate. I enjoyed their more experimental stuff and would definitely go back for a flight in the future. But for today I got 6 tasters, a cheese board and a 4 pack of tallboys to go for $35. In Seattle that's not a bad price. 

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•    From Haymaker is a West Seattle restaurant focused on local ingredients high quality seafood and fresh pasta. Today I focused on really wonderful pasta. The restaurant week menu started with 4 apps, if I was sharing with others I'm sure a set for the table would be great, but for just me it was honestly too much food to start out with.  The "salad" aka a quarter of a small bunch of lettuce with onions on it was a waste of space, the arancini was wonderful and if it were happy hour I would have been content with a few of these and a beer. The burrata was also a treat, but not as good as the one from Mioposto- though the bread served here was outstanding. Finally the asparagus was nice, but too much for one person.  My pasta was wonderful and I will by trying the pasta shop where they make all the pastas for their other restaurants. I got the cavatelli which was melt your mouth delicious and fragrant with homemade ricotta and lemon in addition to peas for a pop. And finally my favorite course an apple tart with my most luscious caramel sauce.  I also left with enough pasta for another meal. 
  
  

5. I took a cooking class from Whisk in Bellevue WA.

  

 It wasn't cheap, but you get what you pay for. I got a wonderful dinner and the fear taken out of the kitchen for a set of dishes I never would have thought I was capable of cooking. I made a Cheese Soufflé, Saffron Risotto and a butter basted Halibut and used a blow torch to burn some sugar on a creme brûlée. I want to have people over for a brunch to have an excuse to make the Soufflé again. I think the Halibut will become a normal part of my weekly routine and the risotto something I can pull out for special occasions. But I tried something that was very scary to me that has intimidated me for years and I didn't fail.  I've already sign up for another class in May. 

And I've already cooked the Risotto again at home and it turned out lovely. 

6. Record Release Party- When your pastor puts out an album you have to show up and celebrate

It was great to be with church friends supporting other church friends. I felt grounded and connected and like I'm working on building more friendships rather than just acquaintances. 

7. Paint afternoon at one of my favorite cider makers Locust Cider

I did create a pot of succulents, but beyond that I did not follow directions and I had a great time doing it. 

8. I'm putting attention back on my health and taking care of my teeth. I have dentophobia and extreme anxiety about the dentist- so it's been a while and we've got some work to do, but I'm doing. 

9. I put in to be a registered member at my church.  This place has been so important to me over the last few months. I am connecting with people and feel seen for who I am and what I have to give to a community in the best ways possible. 

10. Started to clean out my photos and google drive, but it's painful to look at what I thought was good within the timeline of what he says wasn't love anymore. 

I have completed 40 things on my bucket list since the start of the year. 

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

 I didn’t have the language, rejection sensitive dysphoria when I was younger, but it is absolutely something I have struggled with my entire life.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is an intense emotional response to true or perceived failure isolation or rejection. 

Throughout my life, I have had seasons where the dysphoria has hindered my ability to function and seasons that I have been in better places Right now I’m really struggling. And the trigger was the failure of my marriage. While my husband felt like our marriage had been falling apart for years, for me, my marriage fell apart over a course of three weeks this past winter and I haven’t been able to get out of the loop of severe rejection sensitivity since. 

I am very much aware that much of my dysphoria is a result of my perceptions rather than reality, but as a result of being Autistic I often cannot differentiate between the two, leaving me feeling crazy trying to determine reality often not ending up any better off than I was before. 

It impacts my job- it's why I leave my classroom door open, because I don't want people to feel like they are unwelcome in my space. When I walk past a room with a closed door but hear my name I feel like I'm being discussed negatively. When I say hello in the morning but hello isn't said back to go to spaces of feeling like I must have done something wrong, leading me to dark spaces. I find myself masking at work at lot more these days, crafting my personality to meet the needs of others rather than myself, leading to burn out which just makes the dysphoria worse. 

I am left lonely many days, coming home to an empty house, exhausted but craving connection. Budgeting my energy so I can enjoy the people who do want to be in my life while feeling drained by people who don't. 

When you look at a person you don't know what's going on behind the scenes. Show grace to people and be kind. 

C

Girl Scout Cookie Ranking

Girl Scout Cookies are an annual event. But which cookies (or bakers) are supreme?  Depending on where you live (or where your girl scout lives) means you have access to different cookies and bakeries. And they are not equal in their offerings. 

ABC Bakers offer the following cookies:

Adventurefuls, Lemonades, Trefoils, Peanut Butter Sandwhich, Caramel Delites, Peanut Butter Patties, Thin Mints, Caramel Chocolate Chip Gluten Free Cookies, and Toast Yay!

Little Brownie Baker offers the following cookies: 

Adventurefuls, Lemon-Ups, Trefoils, Do-Si-Dos, Samoas, Tagalongs, Thin Mints, Toffee Tastic, and Girl Scout S'Mores. 

The Matchups: Many of the cookies from each bakery are match ups- that is they are almost the same cookie, but there is a better offering from each match up

• Adventurefuls- 
• Both pretty bad in my opinion It is suppose to be caramel in a chocolate cookie shell but it should really be a soft cookie and the crunchyness just doesn't meet my need. 
• Lemon Cookies:
• The Lemonade is superior to the Lemon-Up.  The lemon-up is a thicker cookie and has lemon flavor in the cookie. Where as the Lemonade is a shortbread with lemon icing. I prefer lemonade to lemon-up. 
• The Trefoil- 
• If you told me these were all made by the same people I would believe you. It's a standard shortbread cookie, nothing fancy- doesn't need to be. 
• Peanut Butter Cookie- 
• I grew up with the Do-Si-Dos and think they are better- they are also a little sweeter. 
• Coconut Caramel Cookie- 
• These 2 are very different. Samoa is much more coconut where as the Caramel Delite is more caramel forward. I love them both but for different reasons. 
• Chocolate Covered Peanut butter
• From the outside these cookies look nearly identical, but the Tagalong has more peanut butter and in my opinion a better ratio over all making it better than a Peanut Butter Patty. 
• Thin Mint
• Similar to the Trefoil, given that this is a stand out cookie for them I have never been able to taste a difference from the bakers. And I've tried. 

The Stand Alones. 

ABC: My 2 favorite cookies from 2024 come from ABC and are their stand-alone cookies. These were so good I put in a 2nd order at the end of the season from my Minnesota Girl Scout. 

• Chocolate Caramel Gluten Free Cookies: These things are wonderful. Normally gluten free cookies lack richness or flavor, but these are great. They also come in a re-sealable bag which helps to keep them fresh- not that they are lasting long on my shelf. These cookies have a complexity to them that can be enjoyed by kids and adults a like. 
• Toasty-Yay! Cookies are french toast inspired cookies. They are a Cinnamon French toast cookie dipped in icing. They are a little fragile and often crack but you'll go back from the crumbs. 

Little Brownie Baker:  I did not order any of these this year, I have had them in the past and did not like them. 

• Toffee Tastic: This is LBBs Gluten Free option, but it doesn't hold a candle to the ABC offering. This cookie is much drier and the omission of chocolate from the flavor profile may have adults pleased, but it's not in my opinion as much of a kid friendly gluten free option. 
• S'More is the attempt at a sandwhich cookie that failed. Which is disappointing as they make the superior Peanut Butter Sandwich cookie.  The Marshmallow is fine, but the chocolate filling is chalky and lacking the creamy gooeyness of S'mores. I think they need to take this one back to the drawing board. 

My Complete Ranking of Girls Scout Cookies with no explanation:  Best to don't bother

1. Toasty Yay!
2. Thin Mint
3. Chocolate Caramel Gluten Free Cookies
4. Caramel Delites
5. Samoas
6. Tagalongs
7. Lemonades
8. Do-Si-Dos
9. Peanut Butter Patties
10. Trefoils
11. Toffee Tastic
12. Adventurefuls
13. Peanut Butter Sandwich 
14. Lemon-Ups
15. S'Mores

Go Eat.a cookie

C

Stuck on the bathroom floor

 It’s no surprise that chronic illnesses don’t play by the rules and often interfere with the joy of peoples lives. Today is no exception. Today I was supposed to go see Beetlejuice at the Paramount; something I’ve been looking forward to for months today. I had one of the Worst acid reflux attacks that I’ve had in several months. 

This means vomiting stomachs acid for over an hour. Inability to hold down even a sip of water- no ability to take any medication. Struggles to breathe. It causes dizziness and issues with balance.  So I’m stuck on the floor in my bathroom-chronic illness taking away yet another piece of joy; yet another thing that I was looking forward to.

For people with chronic illnesses, including myself, it can be hard to plan ahead. To book things and spend nonrefundable money on activities that may be destroyed by one of our demons. In the last couple weeks, I have had a hair appointment go ride, not be able to go ice-skating and now this. But I can’t live in a bubble I can’t rule out joy because of pain.  So today I sat on the floor in my bathroom and wrestled with one of my demons.