Panic attack

12:35 am panic set in.  True earth shaking panic. Full kick of adrenaline, fight, flight or freeze panic.  I awoke to our building fire alarm going off(though it took me awhile to actually realize that's what it was). An ear drum shattering high pitched siren. At first I froze, still half asleep frozen unable to make a move. After what felt like an eternity, but was in reality a minute or two flight took over my body.  I was shaking trying to grab something to put on, grabbing important items, wedding ring, eeyore, phone to call 911, but where was Jon? Was he still awake, was he already outside? No! Instead I find him fast asleep in the guest room. I shake him screaming asking what that noise is, as he doesn't answer right away I think it's now in my head and my screams grow louder.  He then responds "fire alarm" it clicks we need to get out of here. Jon wake up we have to evacuate, jon WAKE UP.   

My adrenaline controlling my body seeing that my husband is at least out of bed, I bolt.  Running down the stairs while calling for help, leaving Jon in the apartment behind me. 

In my head I sound calm and collected, but I can tell the 911 operator doesn't see it that way.  I am struggling to breathe and my legs are shaking beneath me.  

It's 12:40am and I am sobbing in the rain. 

Jon comes slinking down stairs calm as a cucumber. We go sit in the car to wait for an answer. He in a millisecond can drift asleep in the driver's seat, while I'm doing my best not to hyperventilate next to him. 

1:05 am the alarm stops. We wait for permission to return to our home.  My brain and body are fighting about my decision to get up and make my way back.  How do we KNOW it's safe? 

1:10am I re-enter my home.  I am shaking and crying.  Being told we are "safe" does nothing to quell my anxieties.  That monster is out and will not go away peacefully. 

I envelope myself under weighted blankets to calm the monster.  It pushes back. Heart still racing. 

1:40 am deep breaths and writing down of feelings seems to have helped.  Still on edge.  Still struggling, but hopefully able to sleep. 

-c