The mask I wear

The mask I wear show the world that I am okay, that I am fine, that I have it together, that I am  surviving, that I am BRAVE.  

But it's just a mask. 

Fake, faux, a phony, a lie. 

The reality is I'm not fine.  I am not OKAY. I am barely surviving each day. I do not have it together. Most days I cry at least once, usually I have no idea why I just have no emotional capital left not to. 

Sometimes the pressure feels like a balloon about to pop, where I'm the balloon. Compliments of "we just couldn't trust anyone else with this, or you're the best at this" only fill the balloon more to live up to standards of myself that other people cast over me. Standards that with more and more pressure I don't know how I can meet.

In a normal world, on a normal day, those standards for me aren't much different than the ones I have of myself. But the world isn't normal.  The added anxieties in my life, the fear, the chaos of the world, means that my only goal is to make it to tomorrow.

The mask I wear hides behind toxic positivity; a facade aimed at distracting people from how much I feel like I'm failing. 

Most people accept "I'm fine" as an answer because they were only asking to be polite. If I'm honest I don't know if I could handle if everyone dug in, if everyone pushed for more or asked a more specific question. When I say I'm fine I'm not, but if I let those emotions see the light of day, if I let them have voice if I give them power I will crumble. 

This weekend is proof of that.  It's been almost 24 hours since all out panic of what would become a false alarm. And my body still hasn't settled down, I'm still crying for no reason, hyperventilating without cause, and just trying to function as an adult. Letting myself feel all of my emotions all the time isn't sustainable.

So I put back on the mask. A way of putting my emotions in boxes because I don't have the capital to deal with them right now. I pray that the world will start to right itself, that we will move towards a place closer to where we were a year ago, so that all of the extra stresses can go away and I can just do with my emotions but until then it's too hard so I put back on the mask.

-C