My Journey with Anxiety

I may post more on this topic I may not, but today I felt the overwhelming urge to share a bit of my story and take back some of my power of my anxiety. 

**Some people may struggle with the topics of this blog post**

I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember.

I have also been told I am "tightly wound"

As a child this manifested as headaches and tummy aches with no definite cause and no solution.

    Looking back I can identify causes: being put on the spot, being ask to read a loud, being singled out by other students, any teasing, struggles with homework, needing to ask for help but not knowing how.

My body was responding to the stress that I felt and was seeking a solution in the only way it knew how.  Isolate, remove myself from the negative or stressing stimuli because I was "sick".

As a teenager my anxiety manifested as an eating disorder. 

     When you feel like there is so little in your life that you can control many teens including myself reached to food as something I could have complete control over.  I was manipulative and lied to the people in my life for years about my eating habits. 

Food is still something I struggle with most days, though for different reasons now. I'll get to that later.

In my early twenties my anxiety manifested as a need to be loved by anyone and everyone. I had a series of unhealthy relationships out of a desire to have attention, regardless of what kind it was. Emotional abuse and neglect will have an impact on friendships and relationships for the rest of my life.
Learning you are worthy of love is one of the most important lessons you'll learn in life. The earlier you learn it the better off you will be. 

In my mid-twenties the cause of most of my anxiety and how it manifested in me were all tied to my work. As a special education teacher in difficult settings my body went through the ringer and the more challenging my job the more I devoted myself to it.  There was no work life balance it was all just work. I would be the first care in the parking lot in the morning and the last out at night. I felt if I could just give a little more of myself the situation would get better.
It never did. But I lost myself in the process.

A little over 5 years ago I lost my first job and started to struggle with thoughts of suicide. That winter those thoughts and feelings came to a peak.

While anxiety has also been a controlling factor and voice in my life I never want to feel that broken, lost or desperate ever again. I had completely given up on myself, I'm just thankful that my family never gave up on me. That they acted quickly and appropriately.*

For the last 4 years anxiety has continued to be a battle, but it is one that I am finally accepting help for and working through. I have found things that are calming for me that help me re-center myself. I have an entire play list on my computer of music that just centers me. I am medicated and regularly talk to my doctor about my dosages and staying a a comfortable place where I still feel my feelings but they don't control my life.

Quarantine has magnified feelings of isolation I was already feeling. We moved to the PWN 3 years ago after our wedding and I left my entire support system in the MN.  It has been hard to try to create friendships and bonds here.  Making friends as an adult is hard. Now we are forced into isolation and rates of depression and anxiety are spiking all over the world as a result.

I struggle with my body's reaction to stress and anxiety still being very overwhelming most days.

My stomach over produces acid which has lead to an inability to eat or keep food down most days. I am trying to medicate this but it's a daily battle.

My bodily rejection of food has led many of my past issues with food to resurface and I daily have to remind myself to eat, even if it isn't pleasant because I actively want to love my body every day and don't want to give the eating disorder a voice back.

Given we are so isolated, I put myself in a place in my work where I have my hands in a lot of pots, at least it's some form of interaction with people outside of my home.  However there is a burden when you take these things on. People come to you to complain, to share their concerns and are seeking answers. I don't have answers right now.

As we think about what this school year will look like I have conflicting voices in my head.

Part of me thinks if it's unsafe for some staff it should be unsafe for all of us, part of me thinks that being back with my students may pull me out of the anxiety rut I feel so stuck in most days, while another part of me thinks I will be considered a "bad teacher" if I say I don't want to put my life at risk to teach kids in person.

As a special education teacher this is a burden and thought process that my district has magnified by stating that it will provide services in person for students with addition need.  While many teachers can confidently say they will be remote in the fall, I still do not have have luxury and continue to stress about things that directly impact me, but that I have no control over.

Every day I struggle with the tug of war with anxiety and how much power it has in my life.  Medication helps, staying busy helps, having things I can control helps, but they aren't cures and I have to make choices every day. 

Mental health conversations have too long been considered taboo.  We have to talk about it. When we talk about anxiety and depression we reduce their power over us. We limit their control in our lives. Talking is healing.

Signing off for now
-C

*If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out to the national suicide prevention lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255