National Lipstick Day

Every summer I go through my lipsticks and determine what has expired and needs to be tossed.  I have decreased makeup spending a lot over the last few years and much of my collection pre-dates my marriage 3 years ago. That being said, I have too much and every time I realize what has gone off before I've had the chance to use it up I realize what a waste it all is.

Today I got rid of 20 lip products. These included lip glosses, lipsticks, oils, liquid lips and liners

These products average around $10, so you can do the math on that.  Many were well loved and used many time, but several were purchased for a single holiday, spirit day or occasion and had little to no use.

Clean outs are a good reminder for me of where my money goes focusing on multi-use products that will last for years rather than ones that I may not use more than once.

Signing off for now

-C

Bully

Kids tease each other over everything, if your tall, if your short, if your thin, smart, struggling, have the best clothes, wear second hand and hand-me-downs, what neighborhood you're from, what your parents do and anything else you could possibly think of.

This was not insight I had as a child and even kids are capable of being really mean in their taunts.

As a teacher I have learned to forgive the people who made my life hell in school.

It wasn't until I started teaching that I saw that the biggest bullies in schools were often the ones who had the most difficult home situations, or who were the most insecure in their own standing. It was easier to pick on other people that risk that other people pick on them. Better to be the bully than a victim.

I started to reflect on my own years in school and the situations in people's homes that as a child I was unaware of.

The two girls who were the "worst" in elementary and middle school had mothers who had moved past vicariously living through their daughters to trying to be just like their daughters by whatever means necessary.  Think Regina George's mom (Amy Poehler) in Mean Girls. Plastic surgery, wearing the same clothing as their daughters, trying to be friends, not parents. Kids need structure and rules, even when they push back. They both had siblings who took a significant amount of their parents attention for a variety of reasons, medical, drug use, learning disabilities. When your 8 years old you aren't aware of all of the parts moving behind the scenes you just know your feelings are hurt.

I didn't go to the public high school in my community and haven't spoken to these people in over a decade. But I have learned to forgive them and let go of that pain that I held on to for years. While my family was not perfect and we certainly had our own set of challenges, I can't imagine what their lives were like growing up and I can't be mad about the behaviors that they produced as a result.

We don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Someone's life can look perfect on the outside, but that doesn't mean it is. We should provide people with grace and meet them with understanding when they act out. That behavior is communicating a need.

As a teacher my job is to identify the need my students communicate with a variety of behaviors. I have learned grace and patience through my work. Hindsight is 20/20.  I cannot go back to elementary and middle school, but I can move past the behaviors of kids whose communication wasn't being listened to.

Signing off for now

-C

AWAKE

As I start to write this it's 5:22 am. I've been away since 3:58

I should start by saying I am not a morning person. I'm also not really a night owl any more, I just have a screwed up sleep schedule. This visual by AVR.method is one that really resonates with me.

As a teen and through my 20s I was a night owl, I did my best work between 10pm and 2am. Many of my colleagues and families can attest to this given when I respond to emails most frequently.

I however married an early bird. It took away but I adjusted my sleep schedule to match his.  When J was home and working remote pre-quarantine he not only was an early bird, but an early bird who worked East coast time...we live in the PWN. So he was up and making coffee at 5 am every day. Even when he would travel I would work to keep my sleep schedule the same, so I wouldn't have to re-adjust every weekend.  We go to be EARLY.  As someone who when single would rarely go to be before midnight. My bedtime in marriage is around 8:30pm.

However in quarantine, life has changed. My job started at 9am instead of 7:30 and my commute simply involved getting dressed and eating breakfast. J isn't working right now so the demand to go to bed early has also ceased. I still try to go to bed at reasonable hours (before 10), but struggle with racing thoughts of the pandemic, work, the state of our nation, the state of my relationships, and just generally things I have little to no control over.

Not only does this cause me to struggle to fall asleep, but I also struggle to stay asleep. Waking up frequently eventually giving up on falling back asleep, because at least when I'm fully awake I can work to change my thoughts.

Last night I had the addition of an allergy fit from hell that kept me up until nearly midnight, so the idea that I work only 4 hours later and am expected to function as a human today is unlikely.

Signing off for Now

-C

My Journey with Anxiety

I may post more on this topic I may not, but today I felt the overwhelming urge to share a bit of my story and take back some of my power of my anxiety. 

**Some people may struggle with the topics of this blog post**

I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember.

I have also been told I am "tightly wound"

As a child this manifested as headaches and tummy aches with no definite cause and no solution.

    Looking back I can identify causes: being put on the spot, being ask to read a loud, being singled out by other students, any teasing, struggles with homework, needing to ask for help but not knowing how.

My body was responding to the stress that I felt and was seeking a solution in the only way it knew how.  Isolate, remove myself from the negative or stressing stimuli because I was "sick".

As a teenager my anxiety manifested as an eating disorder. 

     When you feel like there is so little in your life that you can control many teens including myself reached to food as something I could have complete control over.  I was manipulative and lied to the people in my life for years about my eating habits. 

Food is still something I struggle with most days, though for different reasons now. I'll get to that later.

In my early twenties my anxiety manifested as a need to be loved by anyone and everyone. I had a series of unhealthy relationships out of a desire to have attention, regardless of what kind it was. Emotional abuse and neglect will have an impact on friendships and relationships for the rest of my life.
Learning you are worthy of love is one of the most important lessons you'll learn in life. The earlier you learn it the better off you will be. 

In my mid-twenties the cause of most of my anxiety and how it manifested in me were all tied to my work. As a special education teacher in difficult settings my body went through the ringer and the more challenging my job the more I devoted myself to it.  There was no work life balance it was all just work. I would be the first care in the parking lot in the morning and the last out at night. I felt if I could just give a little more of myself the situation would get better.
It never did. But I lost myself in the process.

A little over 5 years ago I lost my first job and started to struggle with thoughts of suicide. That winter those thoughts and feelings came to a peak.

While anxiety has also been a controlling factor and voice in my life I never want to feel that broken, lost or desperate ever again. I had completely given up on myself, I'm just thankful that my family never gave up on me. That they acted quickly and appropriately.*

For the last 4 years anxiety has continued to be a battle, but it is one that I am finally accepting help for and working through. I have found things that are calming for me that help me re-center myself. I have an entire play list on my computer of music that just centers me. I am medicated and regularly talk to my doctor about my dosages and staying a a comfortable place where I still feel my feelings but they don't control my life.

Quarantine has magnified feelings of isolation I was already feeling. We moved to the PWN 3 years ago after our wedding and I left my entire support system in the MN.  It has been hard to try to create friendships and bonds here.  Making friends as an adult is hard. Now we are forced into isolation and rates of depression and anxiety are spiking all over the world as a result.

I struggle with my body's reaction to stress and anxiety still being very overwhelming most days.

My stomach over produces acid which has lead to an inability to eat or keep food down most days. I am trying to medicate this but it's a daily battle.

My bodily rejection of food has led many of my past issues with food to resurface and I daily have to remind myself to eat, even if it isn't pleasant because I actively want to love my body every day and don't want to give the eating disorder a voice back.

Given we are so isolated, I put myself in a place in my work where I have my hands in a lot of pots, at least it's some form of interaction with people outside of my home.  However there is a burden when you take these things on. People come to you to complain, to share their concerns and are seeking answers. I don't have answers right now.

As we think about what this school year will look like I have conflicting voices in my head.

Part of me thinks if it's unsafe for some staff it should be unsafe for all of us, part of me thinks that being back with my students may pull me out of the anxiety rut I feel so stuck in most days, while another part of me thinks I will be considered a "bad teacher" if I say I don't want to put my life at risk to teach kids in person.

As a special education teacher this is a burden and thought process that my district has magnified by stating that it will provide services in person for students with addition need.  While many teachers can confidently say they will be remote in the fall, I still do not have have luxury and continue to stress about things that directly impact me, but that I have no control over.

Every day I struggle with the tug of war with anxiety and how much power it has in my life.  Medication helps, staying busy helps, having things I can control helps, but they aren't cures and I have to make choices every day. 

Mental health conversations have too long been considered taboo.  We have to talk about it. When we talk about anxiety and depression we reduce their power over us. We limit their control in our lives. Talking is healing.

Signing off for now
-C

*If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out to the national suicide prevention lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255

Pandemic Adventures day 3 and 4

Saturday

Morning: Lemonade and walk with mom. Sometimes its good to just take a moment outside the house. We put on our masks and went to Panera to get lemonades and then took a walk around the neighborhoods by my brother's work in St. Paul. It was nice to be outside, we stayed in the neighborhoods because they are shaded and have a nice breeze.

Afternoon/evening: Beer and dinner with Ben and Emily. I am not Ben's friend or Emily's friend, I am their friend. We've been friends, 3 musketeers since sept 2007 (almost 13 years). I love them like family and it was a honor that these two essential workers would make time to see me. Looking forward to a time in the future when I can hug them and their adorable daughter again.

We started at Headflyer Brewing Minneapolis

A group fave.  I got Holla Honey which is a wheat beer with a nice mellow finish and MilkMilkLemon which was the Beyond the Door offering, which is their small batch non-marketed runs. This is an IPA that is creamy and tart that I thoroughly enjoyed.

Headflyer did a good job of spacing their tables. You reserve in advance a 2 hour time slot. We had reservations at another bar, but no one told us we had to leave when our time was up. They have a single order point, the lines have some spacing dots but not enough to manage their demand. Additionally they took my credit card, when they could easy turn the ipad around and have me swipe.  They are doing plastic cups, single use, they have hand sanitizer at all of the points of intersection with the staff.  The bathrooms have plenty of soap and easy to access towels to dry.

Our second stop was Utepils Brewing

For some good German-stylebeer. I had the Plaid Bikini. Which is a summer wheat beer.

They have an AMAZING patio over looking water and a grove of trees. The beer hall inside was empty basically, but we were able to snag a table outside. You put your post-it with your time on it on your table to show it needs to be cleaned. The tables had umbrellas to ward off the sun.

Utepils uses a reservation system as well.  You purchase your first beer in your reservation so their is an associated cost, again we knew when our time was up because their was a child needing to be picked up, but no one was asking us to leave.

They sell basic bar snacks and have rotating food trucks outside.

The bathroom was clean, however only 1 sink was working, there was a dot on the floor for 6 foot distancing, soap and paper towels. They also have a foot kick on the bathroom door which I wish more places had.

Dinner: Pizza at their place, sampling the beers I brought home with me this trip. Enjoying their little one who now has words and can say my name 💗

We made an ATTEMPT to watch Hamilton while eating cookies/dough, but decided to abandon that for bed.

SUNDAY:

Mom picked me up early (9:30) and we went to Como Zoo and gardens.  The zoo isn't open right now but the gardens are for a very structured walk though that rules about 30 minutes. It was a nice ways to get a little bit more time with my brother this trip and with my mom.

We dropped off my brother at home and mom and I went to the George Floyd memorial.

We walked the list of names and read each one aloud. - The photo here is not the complete list as it stands today, but it is the best aerial shot I could find.

While the art work is beautiful and there is a greatness and an awe about the space, there is a reverence you must have in being there. As a white person this was not a place for me to be in photos, this is a place for me to lift up black and brown artists, black and brown voices and the experience of those I will forever be seeking to understand, because I never will fully understand. One piece of art stood out to me above the rest as a call to action.

                    In times of crisis, The wise build BRIDGES, while the foolish build BARRIERS. 

We are living in a divided nation, with a President whose aim is to build more barriers and divide us further.  So I ask you to reflect today on your individual role in building bridges.  Individuals working together create change. Who do you need to reach out to?  Whose voice is missing from your work? What bridge do you need to build in your own life?

Dinner tonight is a tradition I had with my dad when I used to live here. Every Sunday dinner was our time. It is something I truly miss now that I live so far away, so tonight we have steak, potatoes and veggies before I head back to PWN.

Signing off for now

-C

pandemic adventures day 2

Today was a full day.

Morning:

NOT coffee at Starbucks with Kate. 

It was HOT so I got a BLENDED version of my favorite drink-- Bonus points if you know what it is-comment below.

I was in Wayzata again and was AGAIN not surprised that no one except me, Kate and the baristas had a mask on. No one else. It was so disappointed to see the elitist culture of the place I grew up. But as I said having spent the better part of my life there- not surprised.

Early Afternoon-

Photos at the Stone Arch Bridge with Natalie.  Normally at this time of summer on this nice of a day there would be hundreds of people on the bridge and it's surrounding parks. I was eerie how few people we saw, how much the place was ours. Which made it perfect for our purposes- trying out a new camera.  Natalie said she needed a willing subject and I am more than happily obliged. 3.5 miles 1.5 hours lots of laughter and dozens of photos later we parted ways for the day.

Dinner:

Surly Brewing

Finally a place that is taking masking and distancing seriously.

All the tables are a good 10-12 feet apart. I felt very comfortable being here. We had MORE than enough room at our picnic table and everyone was comfortable.  I had a Mango Supreme.  I love sour beers but they have been difficult with my stomach issues lately and this was perfect. I enjoyed it with a Darkness Brat which was yummy and more than I could eat. No one forced us out but we were respectful of the 2 hour reservation time slots I know most places are providing these days.  *Surly has removed all of the lawn games in order to make room for more seating, you can still bring your animals for outside eating.

End of day:

I am out of spoons. If you have no idea what I mean by spoons please watch THIS!

My feet hurt from the 3.5 miles Natalie and I did at stone arch in bad shoes, my thighs are twitching and I am full an happy and sleepy.  I made myself a cup of tea talk to J and now that this is done am now off to bed.

Will check in again tomorrow

signing off for now

-C

Traveling During Covid-19

Yesterday i got on an airplane for the first time since February.  I don't travel for work like my husband does, but I am certainly a frequent flier by most people's standards.  This trip was like no other I've ever experienced.

I got to the airport earlier than needed because J needed coffee...

Security was pretty standard for me (TSA pre-check) but the other lines looked a lot shorter than normal and that's with the extra spacing for distancing.  I made it through security in 5 minutes. Got my own Starbucks drink (Chai latte almond milk for those wondering, No I do not drink coffee), and then I found a quiet secluded corned of the earth to sit at Gate A1 next to a window and an outlet.  *Seatac requires that you wear a mask at all times- yes I took it off to drink my latte and yes I got stared at for it.

I arrived just as the doors were closing for the flight before mine. I proceeded to sit for another 100 minutes before my plane started to board. In that time no one tried to sit in the seat next to me, the boarding zone hadn't become a loud cacophony of impatient travelers, instead everyone had relinquished themselves to their own corner of the universe of A1 with an outlet. Everyone was sitting silently in their anxiety.   

Boarding was different....typical boarding  1st class, diamond, gold, silver, comfort, everyone else. Boarding during a pandemic...1st class and diamond, Zone 4, zone 3, zone 2, comfort +.  Needless to say my golden comfort + self was the very last person on the plane...and I'm okay with that.  We maybe had 30 people on the flight total...maybe.  I had a whole row to myself, put my bags in front of the other seats and let me legs stretch out, a nice perk of a eerie ride. 

The flight was different...1st you have to wear your mask the whole flight. While there is no one coming around and demanding you put it back on, those are the rules. 2nd You are given a "Snack pack" of a 8oz of water, a kind bar a pack of almonds, napkin and a single use of Purell. Of course you cannot eat or drink with a mask on, so do with that conundrum what you will.  In first class and comfort+ they will also serve beer and wine, but still no mixed drinks.   3rd In the case of my flight it was turbulent the entire ride, not a great way to easy back into flying.

MSP--OMG is it hot.  94 degrees at 5pm.  This is why I left it's the extremes. Cold in the winter and hot in the summer I miss the people not the weather.

Tried to watch Hamilton with the family. Turns out it is not my mom or brother's cup of tea. That's okay. I tried.  Dad got sleepy so we finished the last 3 songs Thursday afternoon. Dad is a history geek, specifically revolutionary history so he is fun to talk with about period of the piece.

Neither I nor my family were impacted by the tornado that hit north of the cities Wednesday night...Minnesota is a really big state.

Thursday:

Well I tried to do breakfast at my favorite spot in my home town today. Maggie's in Wayzata has had my business for over 18 years. I haven't had to look at a menu to know what I want in over a decade. But My stomach issues decided I didn't get what I wanted today. Thankfully my wonderful friend who I was out with didn't bat an eye and we decided to attempt to walk lake street instead. Couldn't do that either.  My once quiet hometown is now being turned upside down by development and construction to meet the needs of that development. I am so thankful I grew up when I did.

As we walked around town NO ONE was in a mask. People were staring at me for wearing one. It was unsettling to see so many people not masking.

I let my stomach rest the rest of the day I recovered from traveling did some work enjoyed dinner and conversation with my dad, a Google Call with my husband and in-laws and a Spotted Cow on the deck with my dad to close the day.  Which is probably the best way to close any day.  I know they wont see this, but if Tavour could work on getting spotted cow in WA I would love them forever. (For those NOT in the know, Spotted Cow is a beer you can only Legally buy in Wisconsin).

Signing off for now.

-C

June- Beauty Update

Well....there wasn't so much a reduction this month. I did finish several sample sized items but no full size items and tossed a few brushes that are falling apart.

I repurchased a Toner that I finished my last sample size of a few months ago.  I have been noticing my skin changing for the worse since I stopped using it so I buckled down and bought it. I bought 2 foundations I've been eyeing for a long time and they were 50% when I purchased them and are total opposites one is full coverage where as the other is a "no-makeup" makeup day option. And I bought an eye shadow palette.  I also got 2 new brushes.

REN: Ready Steady Glow Daily AHA Toner

It has a press style pump at the top. 1 pump on a cotton round morning and night and I saw a difference in the texture and brightness of my skin in just a few days. I also use the REN Evercalm Gentle Cleansing Milk every day, almost used up that probably another week or so. It is the first cleanser I have found I can use every day.

Foundations.  I have wanted both of these for over a  year, but I could never justify the price point.  When I found them both 50% off, it became reasonable to try them. They also fill very different needs or reasons to wear foundation.

Re(marc)able Full Coverage Foundation

I wear the shade Ivory 10

I'm not a huge fan of the applicator as it's a stick with a ball on the end. I much prefer a pump, but it is very full coverage, which has it's place and as my skin gets more dry I have found my older full coverage foundation no longer works for me.

Perricone MD No Makeup Makeup

I wear Porecelain.

This was ORDERED in June, but wont arrive til July. I will do a small review next month.

Viseart Paris Edit Palette

Very small palette, about the size of my hand, it is going to be great for travel, I have worn it every day since I got it, I love doing 1 color all over and this is proving to be wonderful for that during the day. If I am going out I can add some shimmer to the lid.

Rephr Concept Store

These brushes are amazing.  They are so well made, by hand in Japan. These are NOT vegan brushes, they are natural fiber brushes (goat). They apply product beautifully, so easy to use, easy to clean.  But I hate paying full price for anything ever, so their concept store is great. You get 50% off from the start with the understanding that 2 weeks after receiving the product you will provide feedback for them.  Some of the brushes in the store are their main line, while others are produced in a limited run with the aim of getting the make up community to provide feedback.

I went 5 months without buying any make up-, I feel okay about doing a little splurge this month as a celebration for getting through the hardest year in my teaching career.

Signing off for Now

-C