Missing Distractions

When living with chronic illness distractions are required for survival.
I thrive on the distraction of my job.
I need the distraction of my colleagues and my students to survive.
Right now those things aren't what they use to be.
3/12/2020 Was my last day of work at school it was my last day with my kids.
3/13/2020 Was my last day at work with my colleagues.

It's been 2 weeks without my normal distractions. 2 weeks without my normal schedule. 2 weeks without going into work. But it has not been 2 weeks without chronic illness.

This has been 2 weeks filled with migraines, sinus headaches, chronic pain, fatigue and exhaustion.

When you work from home, you don't stay home sick. You keep working.  When you work from home the distractions that typically allow you to push through are gone and you have to do it on your own.

We are 2 weeks into this quarantine. I don't know how long it will last, but I do know that I miss my distractions. I miss my work friends. I miss my students. 

Another week done-Week 2 in quarantine

I left the house only a few times this week-Mostly to go on walks with my husband and to get the mail. Only once to the grocery store- that was awful.

Today was the end of week 2 of online learning, instruction and Teams meetings.  I have learned things this week. About myself, about how I work with other people and about boundaries.

Identifying and Sticking to Boundaries:
1) I am learning to set work time boundaries.  I will work a 40 hour work week. What that looks like is flexible right now, but it needs to be in a way that works for me.  This means I sleep in, take breaks throughout the day and work later.  For me this is successful and I'm taking care of myself.
2) Take a lunch every day.  That only happened by chance today because a kid stood me up for a meeting. But I have my schedule such next week that I have an hour for lunch that way when the inevitable meeting pops up I should still be okay.
3) Set boundaries with students and parents and colleagues when they miss meetings.  No I cannot meet with you right now simply because it is convenient for you. If you miss a meeting get on my schedule.
4) Don't reschedule meetings with students when the staff meeting is scheduled over your already booked time- it just leads to lots of upset people. I can always watch the staff meeting later.
5) Not wearing all the hats: This has actually been a beautiful break from things like department chair roles in the traditional sense for special education.  It has been a break from para scheduling because my VP is a rockstar and took that project on. It's been a break from the parts of my job that don't bring me as much joy.

Do work that brings me joy:
1) My 1:1 meetings with kids bring me joy.  I had 10 hours of meetings with kids this week. Those are individual meetings. They've been great. They are why I do this work. The days I get to talk to my kids are good days.
2) Make sure I talk with my kids every day.  Thursday this week was all meetings with Grown-ups.  Worst day of the week. Not that I don't enjoy those people or that those meetings weren't successful, but I really need to meet with my kids every day. So I have next week laid out that way.
3) Kindness Activity: I have really enjoyed my Character Strong Kindness journal activities both for personal but also professional use.
4) Union work:  It's still new, but I really like helping people even if it's just pointing them to the right page in the contract.  Sticking up for the underdog has always been something I feel drawn towards and this is one way to do that.

Letting go of the things I cannot control:
1) I have no control over schedules for students.
2) I have no control over the district policies on grading.
3) I have no control over the expectations a parent has at home.
4) I have knowledge of or control over kids potentially cheating on exams online.

Controlling the things I can: 
1) My classroom will continue to be a safe and relaxed space for students.
2) I am more concerned about how my students are doing as people than their grades.
3) Continuing to schedule 1:1 meetings with students.
4) Continuing to take time each day to check in with my co-department chair who I miss dearly.
5) Continuing to take time each day to focus on my husband and my home.
6) Continue to show up and give my best each day to my students.

I have learned a lot this week I still have a lot to learn as we transition into a more full time online setting.
Signing out for now
-C

My students made my day

Today was like the first day of school.  No one knew really what to expect.  We are all figuring out a new system. It's like school filled with first year teachers and we're all miles apart but highly invested in these kids.
Today the kids made my day.
I had a morning meeting with my targeted math class. For 15 minutes they were engaged, following along, asking questions.  That's a good day under normal circumstances for that class. It's normally like pulling teeth, today had an ease.  It was lovely.

Then I moved into my 1:1 meetings.  7 of them 10-30 minutes each, talking to my kids.  Connecting with my kids.  It was great to hear their voices, their sense of humor, the sarcasms.  They wanted to talk to me, me who they often try to get out of talking to. Probably because they were not academic questions. I'm not concerned about a missing assignment, or what their grade is right now. Hell we aren't even allowed to grade this week. I am concerned about them as people and that they leave all of this as better people.   We laughed and shared how we are both doing. They were genuinely concerned about me and my well-being.  They asked if they could connect with other teachers like this. I encouraged them strongly to yes please do. Your teachers need this just as much as you do.

My students showed their humanity today, their kindness and compassion.  This is causing them to grow up faster than they should have to. But they are wonderful kids who I am thankful to teach and we will get through this together.

Signing off for now
-C

Friday- day 5

We we got to Friday. We are officially 1 week into our new reality. 1 week into our new crazy world.

We are finally starting to really grieve.  We are grieving the loss of our classrooms. We are grieving not seeing our students. We are grieving the lack of social engagement with each other.  We are grieving impromptu genuine interactions with people we care about.

We are also finally starting to push back.  Push back against mandates without negotiation. Push back against requirements that should only be suggestions. Push back against things we don't feel comfortable doing both professionally and personally. Push back to support our students. Push back so we don't widen the achievement gap.

We may be 1 week in but we are still lacking direction.  We are lacking clarity. We are lacking consistency in guidance.  In 1 week teachers across the state have figured out complete new technology systems and how to create something where there was nothing while continuing to take care of themselves, their families and their students.

For next week: I have 10 hours of 1:1 meetings with students schedules.  Between my Academic skills classes and my case load, I am just going to focus on being a really good case manager. Because that is what I can control right now and the kids need social consistency and so do I.

Signing off for now

-C

Less than Productive- but Happier- Day 4

It was not the most traditionally productive day.
I had to undo and redo and redo differently many things today as I learn the new technology platform that is Microsoft teams.

I am in APEX madness- you'd think the thing that is already online would be easy right now...but no..it has it's own levels and layers of madness and drama. 

Still waiting on data- Really hard for me to do my job when I have to wait on others to do theirs...Patience may be a virtue...but it's not one I've got a lot of right now.

But I got to talk to my kids, even got to see one of them on video chat- not sure how but I'll take it.

I've been so jealous all week of people who have had time to talk to their students and classes.  I have had so many meetings and so much going on that I haven't been able to. It's a joy to hear their voices.

It was restorative to talk to my students. I miss their sense of humor, their sarcasms, and god help me even their teenage attitudes.

I feel better going into next week, even with all of the uncertainty because my kids are okay. They are feeling okay as people, they are coping, they are working, they are patient and they are kind.

Accountability: Balance. I am struggling to balance case manager and co-teacher and department chair and union rep and wife and friend.  I have to find balance to get through this, so some things will need to decrease.

Signing off for now
-C

A different kind of productive- day 3

WELL today was about being good to myself and being okay with non-closure.

 I feel stuck, playing the waiting game.

I feel like as educators we have been called to hurry up and wait.  We have been rushed into figuring out how to turn our classes into engaging online learning experiences, but we aren't being provided the information needed to do that. 

Waiting for schedules- when everything has to be bargained and negotiated, we wait.  We don't really have time to wait, but we wait all the same.

Waiting for data.

Waiting for the meeting to just be over so I can do that work I really need to do. 

We wait for normalcy-  This is going to be a long wait.  Maybe a very long wait.  I am grieving my classroom. Grieving not seeing my students. Grieving my old normal, my old routine.

I had meetings today:
The first one felt good. We are putting grades on hold.  This feels good as we use this week to adjust to our new routine.  I will not grade the first week. (outside of the 1 assignment that is a continuation from the start of the year, every two week- good to have something consistent).  My students have extra credit options that will show me what they've retained this year-so far so good.

2nd: Alg 2 part 1 meeting made me feel like I'm not alone.  To know that co-teachers don't have to be everything to all people all the time. Just keep being there for my kids.  Good to know I'm not in this alone. Good to know math isn't trying to tackle everything.

3rd Meeting: Got the tail end of the para team meeting- I am super impressed with how my school is handling this.  We a leaps and bounds ahead of many schools in how we are using them. I am so thankful to my admin support staff for taking some weight off of teachers in this.

4th meeting: We will meet again to figure out more because it's hard to make a plan without a schedule.


Accountability: I am setting reminders to take breaks, to get up and move, to take a break and actually enjoy my lunch rather than work through it.

Please enjoy the daily Kindness challenge care of @characterstrong

Signing off
-C

Day 3: 10 min. Challenge 3 friends to send you a picture of what they believe will most make you saw "AWWW"

 @Characterstrong

A different kind of productive - Day 2

Well I am sure glad I moved my IEP work to this morning, because I didn't have the energy or capacity for it this afternoon. I got done what I can without more feedback. So now I wait.  Probably 1/3 of the way done at this point, which is okay for a Tuesday.

Spent a long time today getting my OneNotes to a place I feel good about them and they feel slightly intuitive for parents who may be supporting students for the first time. I also had to figured out what Academic skills looks like online and I decided about the same as school.  Mostly independent work time with para support, some 1:1 check ins, calendar work and planning tasks and then an SEL lesson around kindness because if you can choose to be anything, be kind.

On to meetings for Alg 2 followed by Targeted math.  I need to figure out what my roles is in Alg 2 given the online setting.  What I thought I could do, I am realizing would be too much given how much case management work I am doing 😖 but I still want to support my students. Tomorrow's goal is to talk more with Alg 2 and see if they need someone to track down videos and resources as supplemental aids- because that I can do.

Connected with my kids (after 7 months in my classroom they are not my students, they are my kids). I sent emails home to my caseload and got responses from students.  It was wonderful.

Sent out first set of tentative plans, class structures and supports to parents for my Targeted Pre-Alg class.  Thankfully I get to keep the same format that they kids have been using all year so hopefully out of all of my classes this is the group that struggles the least as its in a presentation format and model that they are use to. Fingers crossed.

Today I also braved Target after work...it was INTERESTING. Didn't have to choice had to pick up meds.  Entire aisles had been removed- soap, cleaners, toilet paper. The shelves were totally removed.  I was able to get some frozen veggies though which is good because Safeway has been out.

I will do my best to not go out unless I am taking a walk and just enjoy the solidarity of home life with the hubby.  

Accountability for tomorrow: Figure out Alg 2. Talk to leadership about balance of case-management and co-teaching. And then when I look at my schedule I think I have meetings all day....joy...

signing out
-C

A different kind of productive- Day 1

I normally feel good about my job most days.  I feel productive. I feel like I make a difference for kids.  But without kids I was worried I wouldn't be productive. I wouldn't have the same positive feeling at the end of the day.  I was wrong. I am so happy I was wrong.

Today was different. Today I was incredibly productive.  Way more productive than I thought I would be. Maybe not in the ways I'd planned.  Certainly didn't follow my agenda for the day as meetings were added. Parents were nervous and schedules needed to be finalized.

I had 3 meetings today- for me that's even a lot. The first one, rather unproductive, but it got me set for the day.  The next 2 were both for the math department and left me feeling really good about the people I work with and what I do.  Everyone is coming to Online extended learning opportunities- or whatever we are calling them today, with a really open mind and positive outlook of how we can use this time to support the learning of students who have previously struggled. As a special education teacher this makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

 Completed an outline of one of my classes for administration. (Aka sending in lesson plans to prove I'm really working) 
Answered many flustered parent emails. I understand their frustration. I am frustrated too. I wish I had more information. I'm sorry.
Finished off para assignments for the next 5 weeks.  Those of you who work with me. It's a big change. We are still figuring out what it looks like. Please just give grace. I am very proud of the people I work with for taking on this challenge though.

I worked from 7:30-3:30 with a 45 minute break for lunch.  Even with all the distractions of home. (I don't have kids, you guys that do are super heroes) Just a husband who also works from home.

Goal for tomorrow:

My plan for the day was to get at least half of an IEP done.  They usually take me 5 hours to write and this is crappy timing. I got about 30 minutes done today.  I will try that again tomorrow. I have 2.5 hours set aside for it...we shall see if I get to keep it for that purpose.

Signing out
-C

@characterstrong for the kindness activities

Change

I am having to learn to deal with A LOT of change at a very rapid pace.
We are being told to accept change.
To BE FLEXIBLE.
While for many people this all may just an an annoyance. Something that they will work through.
For me, this change, this pace of this required, FORCED flexibility, is causing significant anxiety, and is incredibly draining. I am out of SPOONS! *

I don't do change well.
I never have.
It's really hard for me.
That's not an excuse, it's just a reality. 

I have a system, one that works for me, one that I follow.
The first few weeks of every school year are always hard for me, because it's a lot of NEW.
But we get there. We find our normal.
It's why I prep so much in the summer, to be ready for everything I can, to prepare myself as much as possible.

But nothing I have ever done. No class I have ever attended. No training I have ever engaged in prior to this week, could ever even begin to prepare me for this. To be shut down for 6 weeks.
To have my normal, my consistency, my regular ripped away from me.

So I am doing the one thing I know how to do.
I plan.
I organize.
I get my shit together.
Sometimes to the detriment of my social interactions with those I work with. - Sorry-
I'm doing the best I can.
This is really hard for me.
In a way that I cannot explain to you.
Other than to say I am out of spoons.*

So in the coming weeks.
Know that I am trying.
Be kinds.
Check-in.



*If you are unfamiliar with Spoon theory please watch this video

Hard stop

Today Gov. Jay Inslee shut down all public and private K-12 schools in King, Pierce and Snohomish counties through April 24, 2020.
That's 6 weeks from now.
That's 6 weeks without my students.
6 weeks without banter, without laughter, without smiles, without in person social interactions.
6 weeks without the structure that my students need.
6 weeks without the structure that I need.
6 weeks of IEP meetings being held via conference calls and video conference.
6 weeks of social distancing when one of our key jobs is teaching social skills. 
6 weeks of adapted learning- we're still not 100% sure what we mean by that.
6 weeks less of a high school experience.
6 weeks of isolation for some students whose only social interactions are at school.

And when we go back what does that look like. Any teacher can tell you how difficult it is to come back from breaks, this like coming back from summer vacation mid-year.

To the students who keep up with all of the work while we are out great we can move forward, for the students who don't, what will we do? How do we move forward? Or do we simply accept that next years students will come to us with a little less of the prerequisite skills?

Today I am sad. I stay in education because I love what I do.  I am lucky I go into work every day and enjoy the work I do.  There are some days that are hard, but I honestly enjoy my work. I enjoy watching students make progress and I will fight like hell for the next 6 weeks to help my students continue to make progress and keep up in their classes. It's going to be difficult. Online learning is a struggle for many types of learners. I am sad because I will miss seeing my students every day. I am sad because of the opportunities in high school that they are missing out on this year. But I work with some really amazing people and we will get through this. There will be data collected and teachers years from now will do better because of the lessons learned from this experience.

If I can be a little selfish- I hope in my teaching career we don't have to see another experience like this again though.

Standing still

Life changes so fast...our world is changing a mile a minute...faster even.
I wasn't lying when I said that Saturday we were still living in Seattle, just differently.
Yet today, we stand still. In the middle of this pandemic.
We have frozen.

To say to you I'm not scared would be a lie.
I have co-workers who live in the epicenter of the virus here in America. I am scared.
Every day the restrictions in Washington are becoming greater and greater. I am scared.
More and more schools are closing, now including mine. I am scared.
We don't know what comes next, and that's frightening.

We put ourselves on lock down, shut out society, put ourselves in isolation, but we don't know what's on the other side. What comes next? When is next? 2 weeks? 21 days? 60 days? We don't really know. We look to other parts of the world to make educated guesses, but we are learning as we go.

We went from living differently to frozen, restriction and isolation. 
What happens when we thaw out?

Living different

We haven't turned into a "ghost town" as has been reported by some.
Businesses are still open, we still have tourist attractions to visit, the market is in full swing, and the ferries are running. Concerts are happening, our sports teams are playing, we are still living.

That being said, we are certainly living differently.

My commute that use to be nearly an hour now takes less than 30 minutes- with a stop at Starbucks.
At Noon I could see from one end of Pike Place Market to the other- It was empty maybe a few dozen people visiting in total. 
Seattle Center was empty.
Chihuly had less than 75 people at 1pm on a weekend...

People who can work from home do.
In a city of tech firms and start ups, that's most people.
Schools are starting to close.
We are having serious conversations and trainings around distance/ remote learning models

We are not a ghost town
We are just living different

I know better

I know better than to panic about Corvid-19.
I know how to prevent the spread of germs.
I know how to wash my hands well.
I know how to keep hydrated.
I know how to take care of myself when I get sick.

But that doesn't stop the worry.
That doesn't stop the stress.
That doesn't stop the anxiety.
That doesn't stop the panic attacks. 
That doesn't make it not scary.

We have had 6 confirmed deaths in Washington.
Several schools are closed today- 1 in the down I live in, 2 in the town I spent most of Friday and Saturday in.
Tomorrow an entire district near ours is closed.
There is a suspected outbreak with dozens of people showing symptoms at a nurse home north of us.

I had was sick Sunday, I woke up sick this morning. The symptoms are not the same, but that doesn't mean I don't worry about myself, worry about the people I may come into contact with. Worry about things I have no control over.

 I know better, but some days, knowing isn't enough.