Teaching

 I finished my 13th year as a teacher this year, and it was way harder than I expected at this point in my career.  When I finished grad school, I was left with a very depressing speech that told me in 5 years, over half of us would no longer be in the profession. I've certainly had points in the last 13 year that I thought that I didn't belong in this job, or that I wanted to do something different. I've been lit on fire, had broken bones and have trauma I haven't even begun to unpack in those 13 years in the classroom. I even tried 9 years ago to leave teaching. 

The universe had other plans and I've been with my current district for 9 years and for the most part I like what I do. There are parts of my job I'm really good at; seeing the strengths in kids, communicating and collaborating with families, and writing meticulous paperwork. But in other areas this year I felt like a fraud (self doubt voice coming through). As an Autistic person it felt out of sorts to be teaching social skills, like the person whose still learning to figure this all out was supposed to teach it.  Turns out that's probably exactly what the class needed, and what I needed. Permission to not know it all, to be learning a long with my students, to collaborate with colleagues and learn from others. 

This year was the first time in 9 years that I thought about leaving the school I work at. That I considered looking at other districts.  That I wanted something different.  And I was offered that, but in the end I made the choice to stay, not because the other options were bad, but because I realized that where I am is the right place for me, at least for right now. That I'm not done with the work that there is to be done here. 

My district is in the same spot that districts across the country are in. Debt and deficits. Public funding for education is not keeping up with inflation or the increasing needs of the student bodies. The US government is doing its damnedest to do away with public education, and to bring back institutionalization of the students I spend my life trying to integrate and include into society.  Instead of investing in our future, the US government spends TRILLIONS on pointless wars and managing the ego of our current president.  

So it is daunting to be in education right now, especially in special education right now. I have worries of the world my students will enter into when they leave my classroom. And it causes anxiety over things I have no control over, its not healthy, and while I logically know that I also cannot turn it off. 

So even though summer break has officially started it will take me at least a week to disconnect from the job. To stop the constant scroll of thoughts in my brain about my students and plans that need to happen for next fall. If you have teachers in your life, be kind, our brains even in summer are scrambling to know how we will do even more with even less and purse strings draw tighter for boots on the ground staff, while new director positions are added at the top. We worry about the progress and success of other people's children and that doesn't just turn off because school ended.  We have to come out of the chaos, come out of the fire (and what sometimes feels like a firing squad) and let our brains and bodies rest. 

I hope all teachers have the ability to disconnect in meaningful ways this summer, but for now I will work on the disconnecting. 

-Claire