Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary. My marriage ended in December of 2023 when my ex told me he didn't know the last time he'd loved me; if he'd ever loved me. When he said he was giving me time to fix our marriage. When I realized I was alone in my marriage. Our divorce was finalized in August of 2024, so this is my 2nd wedding anniversary that isn't. Last year was miserable. This year I did better, being really sick certainly didn't help any, but I made it through work with minimal issue. A few colleagues talking about weddings, conversations I excused myself from and invitations to wedding related events today for others, that I turned down, not because I don't love that person, but because I would have been a downer on a day that is supposed to be filled with joy for them. I got home, I didi things to distract myself, took a very long very hot shower to try to get the sick out and then alone with myself and my thoughts I cried.
I can be excited for my future and still devastated that this is where I am right now. I can have good days and bad days. I know healing isn't linear, but I hate feeling pulled back to the emotions of a year ago. Of feeling like I failed while knowing I was not alone in that failure. It's hard to know I will never get the closure I want, because I honestly don't believe my ex can give it to me. I don't believe that he understands what happened or can own up to his part in how we got where we were. So I have to be okay for my whole life with not fully understanding what happened. So I get to be sad today. I shouldn't be ashamed of being sad today.
I have a life I am really enjoying. I have someone in my life that makes me happy and feeling safe in ways I didn't know I could. So yes, I am in a better place divorced than I was married. But today is still sad.
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