A wise and wonderful person in my life said something recently and I've been trying to repeated it in hard moments. "Your ex doesn't owe you anything" Treat them like you woud a stranger on the street just another random person who exists in the world. Now this is obviously easier said than done. But instead of a fishing hook that I feel like has been imbedded deep inside my heart that get yanked on every time I think about what he did and didn't do. I am envisioning velcro and I imagine removing those hooks and letting myself be free.
It sucks that rather than do the 1 think I asked of him- please have the decency to tell me before you publicly share that you are with someone else, that he blocked me and erased my existence online. It was hurtful and cowardly. But rather than continuing to let that hurt me I'm repeating the mantra- "He's no longer the man you married"
It sucks that he decided his commitment to me and and God weren't worth waiting 8 months to process before he decided to engage in relations with another woman. It's extremely hurtful. I married a man so connected to God and the commitments he made. I married the kind of man who stood behind his promises. So I keep reminding myself "He's no longer the man you married"
As I process what were years of lies and refusal to really share what was going on. I have to come to terms with. This was the man I married. A man who struggled to share feelings even at the beginning of our relations. Who broke up with me just 2 months before we got engaged, because he 100% wanted to put himself before his relationship. I had plenty of warning signs of what I was walking into. But as I sit in therapy and worth through this, I had blinders, as we all do. My ex ticked so many of the boxes I was looking for, that I ignored either consciously or subconsciously the things that were 🚩 (red flags). This was the man I married hurting me in a way I never imagined he would.
It sucks that it feels like he got everything he wanted and I'm left in a million pieces. But as my wise friend says "he doesn't owe me anything" he's nothing better than a stranger any more. So even though I'm left with the feelings of "how could I be so stupid", "how could I not see what was happening in my own home" and "Should I have stayed longer and tried harder" I tell myself "He is no longer the man you married".
I'm not "Healed" I don't know if I ever fully will be. I think when someone hurts you to your core the way divorce does, the way lies of this magnitude do, I think there will always be a scare. Right now this wound is still open. It's still fresh. It's still has days that I feel like I can't get out of bed. Days that my heart wont stop racing and no amount of anxiety meds can calm. There are days that I can compartmentalize and be "okay" even if not great, but after those days the pain seems to come like a surge and knock me back.
If by some miracle this letter makes it to my ex. I hope he reads it. But he doesn't owe me anything.
J- You are no longer the person I fell in love with. You aren't the person I committed my life to before God and our families. You changed and not for the better. You spent years hiding behind the word "fine". Your inability to share your feelings was the counter balance to my inability to give you what you wanted. You held the power the whole time. And that kind of sucks. I shouldn't have given you that kind of power in my life. I wont make that mistake in the future. You still have hooks in me, but you can't fix it. I have to do that. I have to work through forgiving myself. I know people say that I should forgive you because not doing so only hurts me, But I'm not there. I don't forgive you right now. I'm still in so much pain most of which could have been lessened if you'd just had the courage to be honest. You aren't the man I married. So since being friends clearly went out the window because of your actions. I just have to treat you like a stranger on the street. Who owes me nothing.
