Purpose

Today I saw students in person. I provided some structure on a day there wasn't any. I provided accommodations on Algebra 2 tests. I helped students see the value of a note card for their next assessment and where to look for tools and supports. They gave me a sliver of my mental health back. They gave me the energy to keep going. They gave me purpose.

I've been searching for purpose over the year in a lot of different places. Namely in a multitude of leadership roles, because it's what I thought I should be doing at this point in my career and because in a pandemic what else was a going to do?  I have been department chair, on implementation teams, building leadership team, and involved with the union at a few levels. And for a while, the adrenaline of a new role and excitement of what comes next carried me from day to day. The knowing what's coming, feeling like you have an inside scoop a secret; that sustains for awhile too, but quickly faded when I realized the stress in knowing a lot, in the conflict it could and did bring.  Then there's the power, which for some people is the thing they are after, it is enough to carry them onwards. But power for me means nothing and matters naught without a purpose, or a why. 

My students are my purpose, my why. Being the teacher I wish I'd had is my purpose.  Being another model of what disability can look like that isn't glamorized or stereotyped, but is just me, their teacher; that matters. Being an advocate for their legally guaranteed accommodations and/ or modifications is my purpose.  Helping students develop self-advocacy skills for their life AFTER ME is my purpose. Helping them hate math just a little bit less.  

I am an in person teacher. I volunteered for that role, mostly because I knew it was coming and wanted some say in my future. We've had a lot of people making choices for us this year. But I made this choice. I choose my students every day. I choose to be the structure in the chaos. I choose to be an advocate, a mentor, a listening ear and the smiling face. I made this choice and will continue to make it for my own mental health. This week I found my purpose again, I found my joy. I got to teach in my classroom for the first time since March. It's a mess, but it's my mess. It's a work in progress, but I'll figure it out.  

I have no idea what the next few weeks hold for my district and my union; but I am an in-person teacher. So I know where I will be, continuing to live my purpose every day with my students. I feel really lucky to do that. 

Signing off for now

-C