Hell week

 That's the best defining term I have for this week. 

I have had more break downs this school year than I've had in the 4 years I've been with this district. 

I had however only once prior to this week considered quitting teaching. This week it's been a daily, or more over hourly occurrence. 

It's not the kids. The kids are great. I've got great kids who for the most part are engaging and are trying and are communicating in some capacity. 

It's not my building admin. I have the luxury or curse as it were in my union role that I get to hear what every building is like. I know I'm lucky. 

It's all the things that pile on top of each other. It was no 1 thing. It is all the things.  It's having to repeatedly push that engagement and attendance aren't the same thing. It's having to repeatedly explain that accommodations and modification are part of the IEP a legally binding document, and therefore are NOT optional. It's being demonized and scolded for advocating for my own access and accommodation needs. It's have a school board that really doesn't get it. It's feeling like my prioritization of students mental health needs over every else is at odds with the community I am in, which breaks my heart. It's the workload that is significant and a lack of guidance on how to fix it. I've had more IEP meetings this fall than I typically have in a school year.  It's feeling like decisions are being made for me not with me. It's the expectation that I use all of my free time to flip a curriculum that was never designed to be online and create a curriculum for a math class of 9 students with 8 distinct learning levels. It's the expectation I be a martyr and work for free, damaging any personal relationships I have left. 

This week I've either been teaching or crying. 

Tuesday night mid-board meeting after being vilified for asking for what I thought was a reasonable accommodation - [incase anyone watching was wondering, the comments about the board not being seen on video to the public were directed very clearly at me both through the board meeting and in responses to my email request.] I lost it, full blown anxiety attack. Racing heart, short of breath, shaking, crying, everything. Why do I do this? Why do I put myself in situations and at stress levels to get to this point? 

I am forever thankful to my husband for having a bit of Christmas come early. He decided we needed to do presents and one of the gifts truly was perfect for all the feelings I was experiencing in overload. 

But I need to change things so that I don't keep ending up like this.  I go back in person 2 days a week in January, the day after my 32nd birthday. I will be working 7 periods a day in person, through my preps, because that's the expectation--don't worry we've already figured out how we get paid for loss of prep- I'm done working for free.  

To that end my New Years Resolution is to Work my Contract.  The education system in America is built on the backs of the Free overtime of educators and it's causing us to burn out at an alarming rate. So I'm done.  I've been told my several co-workers that it's selfish of me to do this, that it's always been the expectation that teachers work outside of school hours.  My response to that is - That's crap and just because it's always been that way isn't a reason to continue to perpetuate that narrative. So I will work 7:30-3:30 M-F. Anything that doesn't get done in that time, doesn't get done. If I discover that a lot doesn't get done, then I guess I will need to talk to my supervisors about workload concerns, because if I don't make a drastic change, I can't stay in this profession. 

This week has been the hell week of a hellish year.  The clock striking mid-night on January 1, 2021 isn't going to magically make everything better, but I have to start making choices that make the year better for me. 

Signing off for now

-C

Why?

 I am having one of those days where I wonder why I still do this work.  An hour after a meeting that started to unravel the few strings that are holding me together at this point. 

Where I wonder why I bother, when the work load, the emotional sacrifice and the commitment of time aren't acknowledged or appreciated. 

Where countless meetings are added every week with no appreciation for what that does to the students I work with or to me. 

Where I wonder why I wrack my brain for all the different ways I can support a kid, when the parent is going to find something to be frustrated about no matter what. 

Where I wonder why I consider putting my whole curriculum on head for 1 kid, just because their parents are litigious. This benefits no one. 

I wonder what's stopping me from saying no? What's stopping me from setting limits? What am I afraid of?

I wonder why I am so willing to try to fix everyone else's problems and issues, but I never try to help myself? 

I know I love teaching, but that's not what this is.  What I did today is not teaching.  Today I checked boxes. Today I monitored class policy.  Today I let the words of someone who has no idea what I have to do to cope every day get under my skin, and make me feel like less than a person. Today I didn't stand up for the sanctity of my classroom, of my teaching methods and of what makes me successful. So why bother? Why do I keep putting myself through this? 

-C