March Goals

1) Continue with make-up and skincare NO BUY
     
2) Institute a One in - One out rule
   If I bring a new item of clothing, or shoes into the house, 1 item of clothing or pair of shoes in the same category must leave the house.
   The goal of this is to not become overwhelmed with the amount of clothing I have and to continue to curate my wardrobe.

3) Finally call the Allergist, find a new Neurologist, pick up glasses, find a new Dentist

4) Survive the only month of school without breaks

5) Work on my social life: Go out with friends or J at least 1x a week to do something that doesn't relate to work.

February Update

Well I feel like a failed on may fronts this month.

1) My health has managed to get worse not better.
    a)  A lot of migraines this month.
    b) trying to get my meds in balance and stabilize my anxiety.

2) Still haven't seen an allergist- Life caught up to me - [see balance failure]

3) Balance has been lost.
   a) My husband has been gone most of the month and the impacts of that have been more than I expected.
   b) The new roles and responsibilities I have taken on have in most cases been too much.  Speech and Debate was a mistake.  I only have a few dates left and am ready to be done with it. {so so so ready, it's a bad relationship I need to get out of}.  It's enough to be another full time job and I barely have the energy for the full time job I actually like.
   c) Union work has just started, not much yet but I want to have energy for it- I enjoy helping people. I enjoy knowing my contact and utilizing it to support our students and meet our needs as teachers. I enjoy problem solving.
   d) Trying to work with curriculum developers with the district to support modified students more holistically is leaving me at odds with many people I work with.  I don't know why it has to be Gen Ed vs. Special Ed and it can't just be about teaching kids.


4) I've brought some new clothing and shoes into the house hold, but I got rid of another bag of clothing this month.  Trying to keep what I really wear and get rid of things that I don't use, or don't fit. Because there is no reason to have clothing I cannot wear. 

5) No-buy for make up and skin care has been successful.
  a) I used up a facial milk
  b) I've hit pan on a highlighter
  c) I purged all of my old mascaras (I cannot remember how old some were so time to go, now I only have 1 open)
  d) I'm continuing to do #Teamprojectpan2020
    i) I use 1 blush, 1 highlighter, 1 foundation, 1 bronzer, 1 eye pencil, 1 mascara.
   ii) I am focusing on 2 eye shadow pallets
  iii) I love lipstick, I've got way too many probably, and I don't want to focus on just 1 or two, so I'm not.

6) Food issues
   a) Soy is a problem- No tofu, soy burgers, soy sauce, or soy beans. I've become less zealous about the "may include soy". I haven't had many issues there.
   b)  Gluten and Dairy are okay in small doses and not together.  Aka- if I eat pizza be prepared to pay for it later.
      i) a small beer or milk in my tea has been okay.
     ii) Pizza has not been okay-which makes me sad

7) I took time for me, if you didn't check out the blog posts on Disney, Universal and Huntington Gardens, you should before you leave here.

Signing off for now
-C
   

Monsters

****WARNING*** descriptive and potentially triggering language used to describe pain.


Everyone has monsters. In reality, I've got a few. But the one that's been with me most of my is the MIGRAINE MONSTER.

Now this monster has taken on many different forms in is 29 years it has been with me, a few years ago I figured out that I, have spent more days with a migraine than without during my life.   When I was a kid I was told I may outgrow them when I but puberty, then it was maybe when you finish puberty, now it's maybe when you reach menopause.  Honestly I don't think they know I don't have much hope that they will stop. This is the life I was delt.



As a young child I had classic symptoms:vice grips pain- like someone wrapped a belt around my head and pulled really tight,  as well as light and sound sensitive and nausea.

Looking back that was manageable compared to the monster I deal with now.

On the days I have this type of migraine now, I still go to work.  I turn off the lights in my classroom. I let my students know I have a migraine, they are amazing. I work in an autism program so no one does a double take if I have head phones on or the lights off.

Unfortunately for me, my monster went through puberty and hormones f*cked sh*t up!

In my late teens I started to get migraines with auras....colored spots in my field of vision that aren't really there.  I also tried a new medication at this stage...Imatrex and I ARE NOT friends.  The pain changed in my teens too. Ice picks going through my eyes were added to the vice around my head.

Aura's changed how migraines impacted my life. If it's just pain I push through. Sometimes more than I should, but when my vision's impacted, I don't feel comfortable driving, and that has an adverse impact on my life. Be it having to get an Uber to get to work or to get home from work, having to rely on other people. Or having to stop completely and take it off.

Unlike some people who have an aura prior to their pain starting, and then it goes away, my aura's persist for the duration of my migraine.

In grad school with the increased stress and maybe the fact that I was officially done with puberty and my hormones were leveling out, my monster upped it's game once again.  I developed something called a hemiparalegic migraine, where part of your body is paralyze.  While I don't have the same level of  head pain associated with this type of migraine, it is for obvious reasons the most debilitating.  In 8 years I've had 4. I am thankful for it's rarity but horrified because there are no warning signs.

What life is like today:

I take profilactic medication now, and I've got medication that works if I catch the migraine within the first 30 minutes about 75%of the time. I still average about 7 migraine days a month, but this is down from 19 a month as recently as 2 years ago.

I always get a migraine the entire week of my period regardless of what medication I take. I have an IUD, to try to limit the number of times I have to deal with that a year.

I am in the process of trying some alternative medicine and therapies, and will speak more to those when I have a better grasp on if they're working or not.


I have no memory of life without this monster. I would like to reach a point in my life where this isn't my monster, but until then, here's what works for me

• Weighted blanket 25 pounds 
• Ginger tea
• Caffeine on hand at all times
• Noise cancelling headphones
• Blackout sleep mask 
• Icepack head wrap 
• A really understanding team at work
• The most empathetic students 

Huntington Gardens

Huntington Library and Gardens Pasadena CA

Pros

1.  I would say 80% of the gardens and library's are accessible to individuals with mobility issues. They have paved paths and ramps to allow access to the majority of the garden and all of the libraries and art galleries. 
2. It's a pick your pace activity.  You can move quickly, just do the gardens and finish in an hour (it's about 3 miles). Or you can take your time, explore the libraries and art exhibits or meditate on the garden grounds and make a day of it.  
3. Very quiet place over all. As someone who struggles with sensory overload this is one of the most calming places for me.

Cons:

1. The signs are not set up for the visually impaired. While I understand there are literally thousands of plants on the property the signs are small and difficult to read. 
2. About 20% isn't accessible having only access by dirt trails and/or stairs. The grassy lawns surrounded by statues and roses are completely inaccessible to anyone using a wheelchair. 

Overall thoughts

Huntington libraries and gardens are probably my favorite place in southern California.  They are peaceful and I can spend hours sleeping under a tree and exploring natural settings that I would have to go to all ends of the Earth to experience. 

Having been several times I no longer feel the need to do the library or art galleries.  The gardens took me 2 hours and I walked about 3.5 miles. By far my most relaxing day pace wise. 

Universal Studios Hollywood

This was only okay.
Park opening
I think that they're breeding mob and stampede mentality and how they open the gates in the morning and then stop people 20 m in 40 m in and then make them walk behind them all the way to the bigger attractions. I was actually worried for myself and for the small children in front of me that the very aggressive adults behind us would run over us. I saw many parents who had gotten their kids to the front having to step to the side to let greedy grown ups run past.just have people stand in line at your turnstiles till 10:00 a.m. like every other theme park does it's okay and it's safer.

Now on to the rides everything felt a little jerky. And not intentionally so. Also the graphics in their videos and movies shown within rides are less than what I can get on my phone screen. And that is unfortunate because the technology is out there and if I can get it on my phone I should be able to get it at an amusement park especially one is expensive as universal. The primary ride that I came for was closed. (Jurassic world)  had closed two days earlier. If I had been notified when I was purchasing my ticket the Jurassic ride was going to be closed I could have changed my date. I had fluidity and when I flew down and could have come down earlier to have experience that ride. So that's frustrating and lacks customer service.

Characters; this is the one place I think you might beat out Disney, the free walking characters throughout the park is wonderful the fact that they don't have lines I'm just experienced people is really fun. I think you should experiment with it with more characters.

Now for why I think people should actually come to universal. Because it's certainly not the rides. Universal does tours and theatrics really well. Their studio tour is amazing. It's an hour that you don't have to be on your feet, but still feel immersed in the action. Again some of the video and some of the technology being used is old school, but you can forgive it because the rest of what you're seeing is so cool.  Special effects was another really cool show that I'm glad I got to see. if you only go to see someone light themselves on fire then it's totally worth it but the history of special effects is really interesting. And finally waterworld. I would say that the start of this show and how the hosts get everybody amped up is actually better than the show itself, but on a really hot day if you really want to get wet it's a cool way to do that. I personally really get bothered by the smell of smoke and I had to step out.

Overall it was okay but not full price okay. I got a discounted price through my teachers union.

Overall if I'd come in just expecting good shows we'd be good. But I wanted more and I didn't get it.  If you're a big Potter fan go to Orlando it's better.

Sheraton Pasadena review

My upgraded room was unique to say the least...they called it a loft, but the bathroom andbndoor were lofted, while the bedroom space was down a level. It's "terrace" is a shared space accessible by anyone on my level and to the street....so my upgrade decreased my experience because my room is accessible to anyone.   Yes there are locks on the door. But they are glass sliders...so I cannot open my curtains because the world can look in...not my idea of relaxing.

The shower is roomy and lovely. The bathroom is a good size for a hotel and there was ample closet and drawer space. A coffee maker and fridge completed the space. 

The lounge "happy hour" was laughable Tuesday night.  The grey stuff did not look delicious and the minimal salad fixing left a lot to be desired .

The lounge itself is a good space, eating and lounging seat options.  Open all day for Water 6am for breakfast and 530 for a disappointing happy hour.

The breakfast options in the lounge were far more complete if I didn't have so many food issues i would have had a full meal there every day.


On Thursday the hotel became home to dozens of animals...you see there was the groomers convention going on at the convention center next door and the dogs abounded....and they were loud. And yes I could hear them down the hall across the hall through the door and through the wall. it's not my responsibility to know everything that's happening in Pasadena when I'm visiting. But I do believe that it is the courtesy of the hotel to tell me if there's going to be dozens of animals around. Especially for those of us that are allergy prone.

Now should the other downside of the convention parking became a disaster. The signs in the parking structure are not helpful. They simply point to the directions that the buildings are but not who should park where. So at one point my car was blocked in by two cars and had to have valet's move them. At other points there were no parking spots for me and I had to park in a spot that said reserved on those who did not have the right to park there would be towed. At this point I complained to the front desk and they said no where the cones are is for you. this was on my last day of the visit at no point had I been told that I could move a cone to park. I should say that after complaining that my parking was compensated for my stay. But I'm sure that there's other people that didn't complain that were just out of luck.

The room was well appointed and clean. The bed was comfortable, medium firm. There were 2 types of pillows on the bed 2 soft and 2 firm. This is much appreciated. There was a pool though I did not partake.  No hot tub.
if I were going to something at the convention center I would stay there otherwise I'd find another hotel in Pasadena.

Rest and Relaxation

This is mid-winter break.
This lovely week off 6 weeks after we return from the holidays we all get a break from each other.

This is important.

It's important because those 6 weeks include finals, 1st semester grades, progress reports for around 30-40 students (special education thing), TPEP (evaluation thing), and start of 2nd semester. It's a lot and we teachers need a break.

in case you didn't think that was enough of a reason to need a break, THIS is what my life is like everyday...

Mid-winter break has been an important aspect of most of by teaching career. While not common in the mid-west, it is part of both NY and WA school calendars.

Sunset: Guanacaste, Costa Rica

1st year teaching: Costa Rica with Mom - warm and wonderful



2nd year teaching: Washington D.C. in a snow storm- the whole city was empty it was so peaceful

Washington D.C. Feb 2015

3rd and 4th years no break


 5th year: Hawaiian Honeymoon--sunburn excluded it was perfect  

Photo Credit to my Husband @jonexplores

 6th year: Oregon wine and beer tour--when you're the only person on the pass and the snow is higher than your head, you've got a lot of time to think, also I was walking distance from the Deschutes taproom...which was heavenly.

Deschutes Brewery logo

7th year: LA for Disney and Universal fun- roller coasters relax me and sunny with a high of 75 is perfection.

It's important to step away from your "normal" give your brain a rest, disconnect from the stress and responsibilities.   While I've enjoyed some snow storms over the last few years, I think I'll stick to warm locations, especially now that I live somewhere with so much rain. 

Pain:LIVE

 Sometimes I think the only way someone can understand something, without of course living the experience themselves is to be completely in detail walked through it. So here it goes. The pain in my head is so bad I can’t open my eyes. So this is being dictated. So I apologize in advance, for any issues, in terms of spelling or grammar or punctuation. Because when I open my eyes feels like someone’s pulling at them. It feels like someone yanking at them. It feels like someone’s trying to rip them out of my head!

 The pain is so bad, I can feel my pulse in my fingertips. The pain is so bad that I can feel my pulse in my eyeballs. The pain is so bad that it’s making me sick.  The pain is so bad I can feel my arm shaking. The pain is so bad I can’t open my eyes.

 I feel like someone is trying to drill through my temples, I feel like someone has an ice pick and is trying to carve through my brain. I don’t know why anyone would want to do that I don’t know why they haven’t created my butter medication or a cure for this because living like this is insanity.  I don’t know how I keep living like this. That’s a serious question there of been so many days that I don’t know how I deal with this!

 Well the sides of my head feel like they’re being drilled through the front and back feel like it’s in a vice grip like someone’s pressuring down with all of the pressure of the world like I’m responsible for everything and they’re never going to let go. My anxiety because it’s ugly head, my worst case scenario meter goes off and my body wants to cry. But it hurts to cry. But it’s so badly wants to cry but if it does it’ll just make it worse I don’t know what to do.

 This is a level of pain that I deal with far too frequently it’s a level of pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. This is not something anyone should have to deal with. That’s something I wish I didn’t deal with.

Wife of a traveling tech guy

My husband is on the road for work 60% of the year.  This is down significantly from when we were dating.  Our relationship was built on weekends and holidays together as he use to travel close to 80% of the year.

But sometimes he has to go away from weeks at a time. Currently he's gone for at least 4 weeks. No confirmed return date.

We've done this type of trip apart before, but it was different then:
1) I wasn't working, it was in August over the summer
2) I got to visit him because my work schedule didn't interfere with his.
    But the 1 week I could visit this time he's 1) working nights and 2) is on call the rest of the time because it's the first week of "roll out" so that's a no go.

I don't think it hit me how hard this time around would be.
I don't think I realized how much I rely on him just being here to help reduce my stress.
I don't think I realized how much going home to an empty house every night for weeks would impact my work.  I didn't realize how much he helps me keep my demons at bay. 

When he's normally home on weekends it "refills my cup" or "restocks my spoons" but with him gone I've struggled to find ways to get that reset met in the same way.  I feel like I've been running on empty.

I have to figure out how to restore myself as much as he restores me. Because for the most part, he enjoys the work that he does, and I would never want to take that away from him.

I need to learn how to set the re-set button.

I'm going away on holiday this week. I am hopeful that the time away from home will help me reset, relax and enjoy life. So I can come back with the energy to the work I really do love, but that is draining all at the same time.

I colleague suggested I tell my co-workers when my husband is gone for longer duration, because I can become a  bit more intense when I am stressed.   But every time I try in 1:1 settings I'm close to tears.  So I will share it here. It's hard.  It increases my stress to be a lone all of the time.  I may be an introvert, but there is a line between a lone and lonely.

I don't want pity, but prayer and patience would be nice.

Because sometimes I need to vent too

Is it possible to be too good at your job?  To have too many people feel they can count on you?  To be good enough to handle the weight of the world according to everyone else, even when you know you're a mere human?

You see we're only human.  But when everyone thinks they can count on you for everything all the time. It's easy to feel pulled under. It's easy to feel like you never get the chance to come up for air.  It's easy to feel overwhelmed and under supported when you're the person everyone else goes to for support.

This isn't meant to be a bragging post. It's meant to remind you to thank the person who you rely on for support.  To remember that the person you count on for everything is only human, and sometimes they need a break.  Sometimes they want to be able to count on you. So be there for them, hold them up when they are slipping under.

They probably wont tell you any thing is wrong, that's not their role.  They will probably say they are fine.  Because they think they have to be, for you, for the team, for all the people that count on them. But I promise they aren't.  They feel that weight every day.  They feel your complaints, they feel the struggles of the team, they internalize all of the issues.

The burn out rate in my profession is extremely high. The speech at my graduation was that most people wouldn't be doing this in 5 years time.  Here I am 7 years in and it is draining.  But the drain has changed. I have gone from a drain of lack of financial support or access to materials in the classroom and lack of parent involvement. A drain of lack of safety in the classroom and community that I work in.  I have moved to a drain of too many responsibilities that I didn't ask for.  A drain of job descriptions being different for my department than for any other department in the school. A drain of adults not doing their job. A drain of herding cats.  A drain of people who engage in micro aggression daily.

Plan for February

1) Makeup and Beauty No-Buy: I did buy something at the end of January that wont get here til next week, but I will not make any makeup or beauty purchases in the Month of February.

2) Team Project Pan 2020- Along with #1, I will be using up the make up that I have. I have a set of makeup that I started on in January- I'm making pretty good progress on using what I have before I invest in anything new.

3) Continue with the de-clutter. I have a bag that's in my closet as I discover items that don't fit or need to be given away because really do I NEED 25 tank tops and 25 t-shirts...probably not.

4) Re-introduce foods to see what really is bothering me.
 I can say with a fair amount of certainty that soy and I don't get along in large quantities.  No more tofu, no more soy burgers, no more soy milk.  But I will work to see if I can handle it as an additive in products again.