Dragon Flies and Pumpkin Pies

 My Grandma Edith was the most kind human I've ever known. She passed away just after thanksgiving in 2008. We were close. Some of my best childhood memories were spending a long weekend in the summer with her and my grandfather for Hayfield Haydays, going to the beauty pageant and meeting each years Miss Minnesota. We would make Lefse, Krumkaka, pies and apple sauce cake. She taught me how to chord on the piano and as I got older I would play with her and the fiddlers at the nursing home. She would say she lived through me as I traveled and moved across the country and we stayed connected through letters.  I miss her often.

Just after she passed away I returned to school in WA and started to see dragon flies, in December.  While not completely unheard of, it's not common. Every time I have moved since then I see dragon flies in within the first few days, I think of it as my reminder that she never stopped being there for me or supporting me. When we first moved to WA as newlyweds, there were dozens of them for weeks.  I also have found that if I'm having an especially hard time or a difficult season that I notice them around more.  

You can tell me I just notice them more, but I don't care.  It's a connection and a reminder and I'm okay with my take on it. 

Yesterday I saw 2 while at the elections office and today I saw 2 more at my home. Quarantine has been tough on all of us.  I have been home since Mid March, remote teaching is a special experience, especially in special education, but at least it keeps me and my students safe.  My husband has been looking for work since April 1st.   As I look to head back to school (online I hope for now), as our country is facing daily threats to democracy from the leader of what was once the greatest nation in the free world, as racial tensions around the country continue to reach their breaking points, my life has a lot of questions and not a lot of answers. 

Seeing the dragon flies felt good and would have been enough on its own, but then I found another reminder of her love.  Today while cleaning out our kitchen cabinets I found her pumpkin pie recipe in her handwriting on a note card.  I don't eat pumpkin pie, so I had no idea how I ended up with this recipe, but it was another wonderful reminder of our memories together and her love for me. As a school teacher my grandma has beautiful Palmer Method handwriting. I have so few samples of her writing at this stage in my life I cherish all of them. 

I decided to become of a teacher after the passed, I hope she'd be proud of me.

My ADA rant

 ** These are MY opinions.  You are welcome to disagree with me. Please refrain from using slanderous or hate filled language** Accessible Text comment- Anything that says Click Here beyond this point is a link that will take you to more information about a specific topic.

Quarantine has been an interesting time for ADA- American's with Disabilities Act. 

So first of all what is the ADA.  The ADA or American's with Disabilities Act is a group of laws that protect individuals with mental and psychological disorders from discrimination in all public and private places that allow access to the general public. This is broken into 5 categories or Titles:

Title 1: Employment- This does not mean that an employer is required to hire me or retain me because I have a disability. It does mean that I have access to the line and they have to provide reasonable accommodations to allow me to do my job. In my case that means text to speech software, and accessible format documents.  For others it may be a standing desk, wearing headphones at work, a service animal, having a job coach sit with them in the interview or support the on-boarding process.

Title 2: State and Local Governments: This is the section that covers public transportation even if they don't receive federal funding, as well as he administrative processes to be followed, including requirements for self-evaluation and planning; requirements for making reasonable modifications to policies, practices, and procedures where necessary to avoid discrimination; architectural barriers to be identified; and the need for effective communication with people with hearing, vision and speech disabilities.

Title 3: Public Accommodations: Provides public and private entities that are new or renovated with a minimum set of accessible guidelines; including but not limited to, ramps, elevators, auditory and visual fire alarms, printed and tactile signage). For old buildings, attractions and locations, the law indicates that locations should make reasonable modifications if it easy to do without difficulty or expense. This is the area I find we are failing in tremendously. Think of how many places you go regularly that are inaccessible (a step, a narrow hall way, a tiny bathroom, no elevator, no braille signs, no railings). If you want to learn more about about ACCESSIBLE DESIGN Click Here 

 
Title 4: Telecommunications: This title requires telephone and Internet companies to provide a nationwide system of interstate and intrastate telecommunications relay services that allows individuals with hearing and speech disabilities to communicate over the telephone. This title also requires closed captioning of federally funded public service announcements. If you want to learn more about Title 4, please CLICK HERE, to watch a short video- CC provided.

Title 5: Misc:  A variety of provisions relating to the ADA as a whole, including its relationship to other laws, state immunity, its impact on insurance providers and benefits, prohibition against retaliation and coercion, illegal use of drugs, and attorney’s fees.  This title also provides a list of certain conditions that are not to be considered as disabilities

 

Okay before I get into my vent mode, know that I do benefit from ADA. I receive reasonable accommodations from my employer to engage in my work as a special education teacher.  The longer I do this work, the more of the supports I benefit from are becoming standard in technology: dictation, text-to-speech, prediction software, captions, accessible documents. These were all additional software needs a decade ago, now the majority of them came loaded on my work laptop. Though I was additionally provided a PDF reader this summer which is GREAT.  The ADA is a critical piece of legislation. 

 

Right now during a pandemic, people aren't referencing it or utilizing it appropriately, and I have a problem with that in 2 key areas.

1) If you are trying to get out of wearing a mask, by faking a disability, you should be ashamed of yourself. 

Private and public businesses don't have to let you in within out a mask on. According to the US Department of Justice "the ADA does not provide a blanket exemption for people with disabilities from complying with legitimate safety requirements necessary for safe operations"

Businesses/organizations are only required to provide an accessible option. That may not mean in the building. That may mean delivery, curbside pick up, take out. Those would be accommodations. 

Schools if it is unsafe for your child to attend for a full day, may provided limited services based on CDC guidelines (Currently 15 minutes within 6 feet for access), Staff may have to wear additional PPE, and online school may be provided as an option. - Some of those impact the provider, some of those impact the disabled person, but they are all reasonable accommodations.

2) Airplanes.  1st the ADA doesn't regulate discrimination of air travel.  So please don't use the ADA to back up your argument, it's not valid here. Airlines are regulated by the Air Carrier Access Act, you can read about it Click HERE. 2nd The Air Carrier Access Act (ACAA) allows airlines to prohibit passengers from traveling if they pose an adverse safety risk. - Considering carriers of Covid-19 may be asymptomatic, anyone refusing to comply with the airline policy poses and undue safety risk.  3rd Airlines are free to set their own policies about what they feel a safety risk is and guidance around mask wearing.  While most airlines in the US are requiring all parties over the age of 2 mask, some provide exceptions for medical reasons if the person wear a face shield, while others will not accept face shields as PPE on an airplane if not also accompanied by a mask. But this is not discrimination on the basis of disability, this is an effort to keep the general population safe. 

 

Hope you learned a little about ADA today 

Glad I have a space to vent

-C

FODMAPS

*Trigger warning- this post focuses on a dietary plan, food and eating habits. 

As someone that is spent the majority of my life is dealing with stomach problems It blows my mind that it took reading a friend's blog to learn about fodmaps, and the impacts that they could be having on my digestive system. 

What is a FODMAP you ask... Fermentable Oligosaccharides, Disaccharides, Monosaccharides and Polyols, which are short-chain carbohydrates (sugars) that the small intestine absorbs poorly.

 While the majority of the food that I enjoy and eat already, falls into the Low Fodmap category- almond milk, chicken, turkey, potatoes, carrots, rice and quinoa, blueberries and most melons (except watermelon). Many foods I eat regularly fall into the high fodmap category- wheat, apples, beans, watermelon and cauliflower.  

I'm at a point in dealing with my digestive issues that I will honestly try anything. If this can help, I'm all for it. 

For the last few days I have been starting to avoid high fodmap foods. 

I've gone through the wringer with gluten and breads. I have found 1 type of bread by 1 producer that I can eat without issue, so Seattle Sourdough stays, but other than this I tend to focus on rices and ancient grains instead anyway.

I am limiting my dairy intake to cheeses low in fodmaps- it's not an all or nothing with dairy, which I thought was interesting. So no cream cheese, ricotta (glad I don't live in NY any more), yogurt or milks, but I can eat Swiss, Havarti, mozzarella, and BRIE thank goodness for that one. 

I cut out milk unless it was baked into a product years ago. My "ice cream" is coconut based and I drink Almond milk and have been since I cut out soy in February.  (Turns out most soy milks are high fodmap) But I tend to struggle with soy in general- it's in everything, so I do my best. 

Today after a latte that was was to rich for me-- shocker... I ate foods that did not make me sick. I enjoyed the food I ate and I am going to bed feeling good. I don't think you understand how rare this is.  That I could eat 2 FULL MEALS in a day, and feel good. It's been months.

My meals included a Turkey patty melt (Swiss on sourdough). Roasted potatoes and cantaloupe, dinner was more roasted potatoes and shredded chicken with mayo and the 1 alcoholic beverage I am allowed a day. I've started drinking a hard Seltzer by Maha and it's really refreshing and doesn't give me the same issues that beer does has started to- though I still enjoy one from time to time.  

I always thought eating in a way my body would accept would be really hard and I would need to actually learn how to cook and meal prep (those that know me well, know how much better I eat when J is in town)  which BTW he isn't right now so I'm actually cooking for myself. This is also a very big deal. 

I know I'm only 1 day in, but it feels good to feel good. I'm up for the adventure.

Thank you to Kate for making me aware that this is a thing I could be thinking about. 

Signing off for now

-C

That kind of pain...

 The kind of pain that tugs at nerves pinpointing too many spots at once to count but each one is known.

The kind of pain that rattles around in your head and saps down your spine.

Kind of pain that naws at your jaw. And shocks your teeth.

The kind of pain that makes it hurt to have your eyes open or to have your eyes closed. 

What kind of pain that makes you furrow your brows while simultaneously being in pain anytime you make a face. 

The kind of pain that you feel behind your eyes. 

what kind of pain that makes you want to shut down and fully retreat from the world.

The kind of pain that medication doesn't even touch.

The kind of pain that increases your heart rate.

The kind of pain that you want to sleep off but it's preventing you from falling asleep.

The kind of pain that hurts in your bones.

This is tonight's headache. 

Relationship with food

 *Trigger Warning- This post will talk about disordered eating and my personal relationship with food as well as weight and body image, and medical issues.

I am making a choice to share my story and history online. I do this because the process of being open this spring has lifted years of burden and weight off my shoulders. It has shown me that I am not alone in much of what I have experienced, and created stronger bonds to people in my community. I am also aware that people may have negative reactions to what I put online. I ask that you keep those to yourself. 

I have been tall and thin for my whole life. I was over 5'4" on my 10th birthday. If you look at the women on my dad's side we are all basically built the same at different heights. If you want a strong indication of what I will look like in my 80s look no further than my grandmother.  However that lead to strong comparisons between myself and my more athletic family members (I am a total klutz for those who don't know me well). As well as a desire to main the model like build that I was often referenced as. 

The words we use towards and around kids matter.  Looking back I am sure my grandmother meant no harm when she would give me clothing saying she bought them for herself but they were too big for her. And I am sure people meant it as a compliment when they would repeatedly say I could be a model.  But those sentiments had lasting impacts. Sure when I was a kid and over 5 feet tall and hadn't gone through puberty yet, I did have a certain body type, but there was an internal pressure to maintain that as puberty struck, and thus started a nearly 2 decades long battle with food.

When you start to restrict food and no one knows about it, but you continue to receive verbal praise for your looks, it positively re-enforces that behavior. No matter how unhealthy, and the voice of the eating disorder becomes louder than any rational voice telling you to stop. My teen years were filled with lying to everyone about having eaten.  If I wasn't eating at school I'd had a big breakfast or a snack during study hall. If I wasn't eating at home, I'd grabbed food during play practice or on the way home.  But because I had always been thin, and was genetically built to be leaner, and wasn't restricting to nothing, and still ate something every day, no one noticed.

In high school we had surveys every fall to identify need for counseling support and I was honest for the first time with anyone about my issues with food. I was in a support group throughout high school for people mostly girls with eating disorders. It also got me out of PE or English every week, which was fine with me.  I have mixed feelings about support groups for people actively living with eating disorders.  I think they can create a hierarchy and internal comparison and besting mentality.  I could always tell myself I wasn't really sick, because I didn't need to be hospitalized, or because people couldn't tell, or because I had self-control. I wasn't like I threw up. - Yes these were the actual thoughts of teen-age me. 

As I neared the end of HS and started to think about my future, I realized that in college, there weren't going to be people who knew me earlier in life, I could re-create myself. The first 3 college years were fad diets or trendy things. I tried gluten free, dairy free, vegan, vegetarian, pesca-tarian (fish), there was a solid month or so that I basically lived on baked potatoes. And inevitably I gained weight.  Then came the Disney season of life. 

When you work in a place surrounded by overweight people all the time, eating insane caloric meals and treats all day long, your brain can start to play tricks on you. From the start of Disney to the end (6 months) I'd gone down 2 sizes.  Which for some people who are trying to loose weight safely 2 sizes in 6 months is probably fine- just look at a Jenny Craig add from the 90s. But when you don't have that weight to loose it's not okay.  

After Disney I moved back to the mid-west and got back to college.  This time dating someone who was very athletic.  There was a pressure in my head- that in order to maintain that relationship I needed to be a good "fit" or match.  Looking back- he wasn't a good fit, and it wasn't a relationship I should have been fighting to hold on to. But we all make mistakes in our 20s. This was the first time in my life that working out obsessively started to kick my eating issues into overdrive.  Again positive reinforcement from those I was surrounding myself with at that time kept my behavior heading down a negative path. Additionally, after years of restrictive eating, I found that this stage in my life that I rarely got hungry. When I did I could often think back days since I had eaten. It took a very unique professor and a class my last year of college to finally start to get my head on straight about food.  I took women's health and we had an entire month long unit on eating disorders, of which my professor was an expert on. There was no hiding myself or lying to this women. She could see through all of it. The books we worked through in her class made me finally face the long term consequences of what I was doing to my body. She was louder than the voice in my head. 

After college I immediately started grad school on the east coast. When I am extremely stressed I find I forget to eat. Not trying to restrict, just actually forget to eat. Needless to say that was most of grad school.  I remember going shopping with my mom for clothes for student teaching, and I was a size 4.  I had graduated college as a size 6.  

My first 2 years teaching after grad school were some of the most demanding years in teaching (including quarantine). I was often in risk of physical harm in my classroom. I rarely got a break for lunch or a planning period. I maintained myself as a human, survival was my only goal those years. My mental health in many facets took a back seat. I was in a relationship the last 2 years in NY where my size was rarely mentioned. I felt more comfortable to eat when we were together and I got back to where I was in at the end of college.  During my last 2 years in NY I also attended monthly support group meetings with adults.  The Other AA as we called it- anorexic's anonymous. Grownups will call other grown ups out on their shit. We were all also at a stage in our recovery where we wanted to be in recovery, we wanted to he healthy, it was more helpful than the group in high school.

6 months after I left the east coast I had a mental health break, I was hospitalized and was put on medication to help with anxiety and depression.  But like all medication, there is side effects. In my case-weight gain.  Which was horrifying. Within 4 months of being released from the hospital, I took myself off the medication for 6 months, then I started to feel "crazy" again for lack of a better term, and went back on them, at a lower dose. If I realized in that time, that If I had to live at a higher weight to be able to live, that was something I was going to have to learn to deal with. Because I want to live. 

A few months after that I got engaged. Bought a wedding dress- the pressure to say the exact same size is REAL when you spend over a thousand dollars on a dress you will wear for 1 day. I got married at a size 8. We then packed up everything and moved cross country. Learning to live with someone new has it's own unique set of challenges.  The stress of finding a job has it's unique set of challenges and through all of these challenges I gained weight. By my first doctors appointment where we live now I was up to 155lbs which is the highest my weight had every been and I was horrified that I'd "let myself" get there, also that was pretty close to what my husband who is 6 inches taller than me weighed at the time, which creates it's own issues.  

Over the last 3 years since moving, my weight has stayed the same. Through quarantine my weight has stayed the same.  I am learning to accept and love this version of myself knowing that this is a weight that my body is happy at, even in the months that my body is not happy. 

Starting in late February I started to struggle with food in a whole new way.  I started to throw up after eating. Even just a bite.  Without warning, my body rejects what is has been given. Sometimes the sickness passes quickly, other times it takes away my entire day. I am actually thankful to quarantine in a way.  There was no pressure to go out and eat, so this was my hidden reality, that no one else needed to know about or be burdened by. But I am ANGRY. I finally reached a stage in my life where I am not restricting my diet, where I am finding joy in all foods in moderation (and sometime excess) and my body decides it doesn't want to play along. This has made me afraid to eat food, because there is no indication of what I will react to.  I can eat the same thing for 4 days and get sick on the 5th.   I am working with my doctor to find solutions. I had a myriad of testing done, everything came back normal. Which when you are sick all the time, is honestly really hard to hear. I am on medication to decrease stomach acids (I feel like that ages me), and take proactive anti nausea pills if I am going to brave eating out. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.

Honestly the fear I now have around food is the biggest reason I am scared to go back to work at this point.  What happens if I eat during lunch and am then out of commission for an hour- and stuck at work? Do I just not eat at work? My fear of food issues at work is bigger than my fear of getting Covid at work.  That's the level of control food has on my life right now.  Which sucks. I want to be past having these kinds of life altering experiences with food. My struggles with food have been a roller coaster for the last 18 years. It would have graduated HS this spring. I still get triggered by people who reference their diets, or needing to stay a certain size to like themselves. In fact if I hadn't written it, I probably wouldn't read my own post because of the impact it could have on me.  

To summarize- 

• Think about the words you say to people about what they look like- especially our youth.  
• Realize that someone's weight at a given time does not dictate if they are dealing with an eating disorder- you don't have to look like a skeleton to have a problem. 
• People don't drastically "get better" one day. Issues with food are often long battles and daily challenges. 
• If you are going to talk about diets, weight, body image, or mental health related content, please include trigger warnings.
  

With that I will sign off.

-C

Listen to your body Part 2

This will be short.

It is totally OKAY to not keep a plan you made to work out, to be active, to cook a healthy meal, to have a cheat day to do WHATEVER. If your body is telling you, that you need to do something else.

I had planned a short hike today before work at noon. However, I woke up 5 times during my sleep last night and was exhusted. So when I woke up at 5:30 I turned off my alarm and my the choice to rest and take care of myself-I would have been miserable on a hike and probably would have done more harm than good.

I planned to take a 3 miles walk in the afternoon-did 2 miles instead because it was really hot this afternoon and I was not prepared for that. And that is OKAY.

When we are trying new work outs or trying to stay in shape there is often this pressure to not skip a day or to not take a break or to follow a plan to a T.  First of all we are in a pandemic- all the rules are out the window.  Second the only rule I am trying to follow at this point in my life is to do what makes my body happy. If that's a cocktail with dinner and cookie dough for dessert that that's what is is.  If it's waking up early for a hike that's good too.  But I will not punish myself for changing plans based on what my body is saying it needs, wants, can and cannot handle.

signing off for now

-C

Listen to your Body

I've started to hike again. I'm really proud of myself. The hike I did today I would have said no way in HELL to a few months ago. But quarantine makes you do crazy things.

So today I did a 2.6 mile out and back with 850ft elevation change and then 100 stairs at the top for the fire look out view.  My FIRST piece of advice is here: Read and RE-READ your trail map before going out 850ft in 1.3 miles is one thing, what I really got myself into was 550 ft in 0.5 miles and 300 feet in 0.8 That's a difference between an overall incline of 12.4% and 20% for the first 0.5 miles with 7% for the back end. That is a painful difference. 

Which brings me to my SECOND piece of advice LISTEN to your body.  I stopped over 10 times on the way up the trail. It took me just over an hour to do 1.3 miles. And guess what? That's fine.  I'm not in competition with anyone, I'm not running a race. I am getting active and outside for MYSELF. If I had rushed I probably would not have made it to the top. But I stopped and listened. 

So THIRD piece of advice: Set Smaller goals within a longer trial.  Every 0.1-0.2 miles I had a visible trail marking be it a large rock, fallen tree or in the case of this trail hanging cranes. I never set the goal of making it to the top. I set the goal of getting to the next marker, where I would check in with myself, get some water, maybe a bite of food, even sit for a bit and then keep going. Breaking the trail into smaller parts really helped me feel like I was accomplishing something.

My FORTH and final piece of advice for this entry is to set reasonable goals.  Today's hike I did in hopes of doing a 3.5 mile 1000ft elevation on Wednesday. But after some reflection about how today's hike made me feel not only in the moment, but after, I have decided to do a 2.5 mile hike with 600ft of elevation gain. The hike will pass by 2 lakes, so I can re-evaluate at the first lake if I want to go further or not. Not giving up on beauty or enjoyment, but listening to what my body needs and not overdoing it.

Signing off for now

-C

Back to school PUSH

What is your child's favorite part of the school day? Hanging out with friends at lunch and trading food? Playing tag at recess? Group work time? Manipulatives in math class? Secret handshakes with their teacher? Because NONE of these things will be happening in the fall.
Children will be 6 feet apart at minimum, learning tools will not be used if they have to be shared or cannot be disinfected. My students who I miss who I want to high-five I will have to remind consistently that we cannot be within a pool noodle length of each other. Then best parts of the school day are going to be gone. students will have to be in desks apart from each other while wearing a mask 7 hours a day.

What it can look like online (I know this because I did it this spring): Small groups working together in teams or channels, non-verbal students engaging fully in class through typing chat features, students holding social time with fiends online weekly since they now all have laptops and access to internet at home. (Yes I realize our district is ahead of others).
Students who needed support got more 1:1 time with teachers than they ever could have during a 7hr school day. I spent 15-20 hours a week in 30 min. increments with students in 1-on-1 and small group sessions to support learning goals. Flex time was crucial to their online success this spring. Every student with an IEP had a check and connect staff member, in addition to their case manager and the other staff supporting their learning (Specific to my building).
Remember that for every 1 hour of homework you assign a student, a student with a learning disability or for whom English is not their first language, could take 2-3 times longer. Without additional support time our students will suffer.

So before you push in person, remember what you are asking for. It will not be business as usual. Before you push 7-hour school synchronous days, remember that students at home will be in front of a screen for 7 hours. Remember that when you push synchronous learning it takes away the supports we are providing to our most vulnerable students.

As a point of note, my district is currently said it will be "FULL TIME REMOTE" for at least the first 6 weeks however they have also said that some students will be eligible for in-person services. I happen to be a special education teacher. I'm not a monster I know in person works better for some students, but I'd like to be around to be their teacher next year too.